It's All In The Subtext

Redux
Side effects: "Spontaneous lung collapse or death."
Subtext: It's better to be dead than alive and fat.

Xenical/Meridia
Side effects: "Greasy stools, anal leakage."
Subtext: It's better to wear a diaper or shit yourself at work than be fat.

Gastric Bypass*
Side effects: "Dumping, and 10% risk of dying during surgery."
Subtext: It's better to shit yourself or risk dying an early death on a surgical table, than be fat, alive, and die a natural death.
*Believe it or not, I'm not fat enough. One has to be over 300 lbs to be considered a candidate.

Topamax
Side effects: "Dulls the personality, hair loss, et al."
Subtext: It's better to be a medically induced balding moron than be fat.


I went.
I saw.
I've got a starter pack of topamax (against my gut instinct).

I've got migraines.
I need a mood enhancer.
I'm fat.
Hell, by actuarial schedules, I'm obese.
Perhaps "morbidly."
Just for edification and extrapolation, TWENTY POUNDS overweight is the threshold for obesity.
At this point, I don't know what my BMI is.
At this point, I don't care, as it's some abstract thing in my head related to futile, unattainable goal.

Monday is going to be my mental Funday, as I'll be starting my titration schedule.

This may very well be the last cohesive thought I will have for a while.

Today's Email To The Specialist

I have an appointment with a neuro tomorrow to follow up regarding my migraines. Although I doubt if the neuro will do anything other than take an assessment tomorrow, I still require something for my mood. I am managing well with my Lexapro.

Although I do not take it every day, I'm averaging every other day at this point. I believe I don't require a full dose at the low dose. I experienced this a few years ago when I was on Celexa, as well.

My question to you is, how seriously do you think topamax will help me? I have been using the last month or so to give a lot of consideration to this. The bottom line is, I don't want my brain to suffer on topamax the way my colon and my pride did when I was on Xenical.

As it stands, I feel I'm on entirely too much medication, and it's getting tricky for me to space things out to avoid interactions etc. Just as a reminder, I believe I am passing some of my metformin pills out, undigested.

I do not know what to say other than I'm not looking for a miracle pill to make me dump off scads of weight--because I know there is nothing out there to help me. Arrogant? Perhaps. Is it my depression speaking? Perhaps. I can't help but view the whole weight loss thing as an exercise in futility and failure.

Metformin was supposed to help with my weight and it hasn't.
Xenical was supposed to help with my weight and it hasn't.

I just don't know what to say or think at this point. My depression (and joint and back pain) is keeping me from being more active, and my fat is keeping me depressed (among other things).

Received in the In-Box, Re: Xenical/Meridia/Alli

"Miracle": Weight loss drug Alli delivers more than you bargained for (diapers optional)

by: Mike Adams

When people ask, "What can I do to lose weight?" what they're really asking is, "What can I do to lose weight that doesn't require exercise or giving up all the junk foods I eat?" When it comes to weight loss, consumers are looking for a magic bullet -- a miracle pill that eliminates the responsibility of having to actually make adult decisions about their own health. GlaxoSmithKline has delivered the pot-of-weight-loss-gold at the end of the rainbow in the form of an over-the-counter drug called, "Alli."

Alli is bound to be a huge market success. Consumers are rushing to buy the latest fad drug in a desperate attempt to lose weight without having to give up their Krispy Kreme donuts or -- God forbid -- engage in physical exercise that might actually cause them to sweat (there is a great fear of exertion in America today). But while Alli will no doubt be a huge commercial success, it will prove to be an utter weight loss failure. Even in clinical trials, the drug only produced a few pounds of weight loss per year. You could lose more by walking five minutes a day, or drinking half a can of soda less than what you do now. As a serious weight loss aid, Alli falls short. Very short.

Speaking of shorts, Alli has some very entertaining side effects. The drug can cause explosive oily stools to involuntarily eject from your bowels. While that may sound like fun if you're at a frat party, it's certainly not an enjoyable experience when commuting, driving, or hanging out at the office. Dirtying your britches is bound to make the gossip rounds in mere minutes, earning you new nicknames and a repulsive, date-spoiling reputation that will be difficult to overcome. The manufacturer of Alli actually recommends that consumers "carry an extra pair of pants" with them at all times, just in case the side effects kick in. Why not just wear diapers?

Alli takers who brown their britches are the lucky ones, by the way. Imagine what happens when these side effects kick in while you're in the hot tub! Better yet, see the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7JMzDjIkVc (it's called "Hot Tub Mishap").

One mishap like that and you'll literally have to move to a new city and try to make new friends who hopefully haven't seen your video on YouTube. Yep: All it takes is one Alli accident + some creep at the office with a web cam mobile phone, and your ass is all over the internet in a very humiliating way.

If you don't believe me, check out "Karate Guy Craps In His Pants" at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZLq90YeNNg

Just think, this could be YOU!

I find it interesting that this weight loss drug makes adults need to wear diapers. It's quite appropriate, actually, since people who take these weight loss drugs are acting like babies about their own health. Americans just need to grow up and start acting like adults for a change. Put down the ice cream, turn off the TV and go bicycling for goodness sake. No, your mommie isn't around to MAKE you do it, you have to do it all by yourself. (And take those training wheels off the bike while you're at it.) Tie your shoes! Clean up your room! Don't eat the entire box of ice cream! Jeez...

Nutritional deficiencies

The dirty-your-britches side effect isn't the only thing about Alli that makes me wonder what kind of desperate weight loss newbies are going to pop these pills: I'm also concerned about the fact that the drug interferes with the absorption of essential fatty acids. Given that most overweight people are already extremely deficient in omega-3 fatty acids, DHA and other healthy oils, this Alli drug is likely to put them in an even worse state of deficiency.

The drug works by interfering with the digestion of dietary fats, you see. That may sound great if you're eating a diet of fried foods, hydrogenated oils and processed meat products, but even if you block the absorption of those obesity-promoting fats, you're still left in a state of deficiency concerning the healthy oils like omega-3 fatty acids. And if you eat more flaxseed or take fish oil capsules, guess what? Alli will interfere with those, too, causing you to miss out on at least some of their benefits.

What an incredibly genius idea for a drug! Transform adults into diaper-wearing little children, then leave them in a state of nutritional deficiency. Only a drug company could have thought of this one! (And only a desperate, gullible public could actually believe the hype on a drug like this...)

If you're considering taking Alli, you can save yourself the money by following these three simple steps: 1) Sit on the toilet. 2) Do NOT pull your pants down. Leave them on. 3) Go to the bathroom anyway.

Like magic, you will experience the same side effects of Alli, which will gross you out so much that you won't even feel like eating for several hours, which means fewer calories! Repeat this each day and in a year, you'll lose weight! Be sure to stock up on extra undies before attempting this miracle weight loss recipe, because you'll need lots of spare laundry.

Alli is the only weight loss drug I know of that causes you to lose more self respect than body fat. Maybe it should be marketed as a "self image loss" drug instead of a weight loss drug.

Apropos of Something

Haven't and won't weigh myself for a few weeks.
Why ruin the afterglow of a fairly enjoyable vacation?
I mean, even Aunt Flo made it a point to not
darken my doorstep until two days after I returned from sea.

Day 7 of a 9 Day Cruise

I ran low on metformin, thanks to the EFFing insurance company who wouldn't allow me to refill it a few days earlier. So I'm left to titrate down, just so I don't go completely cold turkey without it. Titrate down = from 2500 mg daily (the norm) to 1K mg daily (if that!). The moment we dock in Brooklyn, two days from now, I'll have to call the pharmacy from the boat and see if they'll refill it for me THAT DAY.

Today was the first day I felt like I was slightly spiralling down, mood wise, despite the sunshine and L*xapro. Don't know if it's exhaustion or something emotional/hormonal, but since I have run low of metformin, it's not too much of a stretch to think the mood shift is hormonal.

And thanks to having to titrate down, it'll take a week or two for me to recover from this mishap.

OY!~