.

I can't stop sleeping

My bio-rhythms are all messed up. I no sooner get up and do things, and want to curl back up in a ball and escape to sleep.

Stress and depression I am sure are motivating it. I'm a bit non-compliant with my lexapro... though even if I am taking it as prescribed, I have problems, intense problems getting out of bed.

Futility with my own weight, my health, and dealing with my grief over dad's passing. I'm still in shock and sad over it and missing him intensely. On top of this, I now have the reputation within my family of being a flake, as when I promise to visit (which involves a 2.5 hour drive, one-way, to get there) only for me to bail out at the last moment... it's all just so toxic. My visits are fraught with frustration. I live a quiet life in comparison to the loud chaos of my visits. Don't want to rehash everything all over again, but I'm just tired of it all.

I don't even have the energy to delve into it today. Today, Memorial Day, is gorgeous. And all I want to do is sleep.

At least I got showered.

That's my accomplishment today.

Kanten?

Kanten = Agar Agar, and apparently it has therapeutic effects for folks with poor metabolism or insulin resistance problems.

Going to plop this down here for my future reference at home.

I don't know if I am on to something or what; however, apparently it contains no carbohydrates.

Already I am envisioning using this as a tomato aspic w/some spicy jalapeno, green onion, crunchy cucumber and celery and some V8. Or an aspic of lapsang souchong, and some hardboiled "marbled" eggs (boiled, cracked, and simmered with some soy sauce in lapsang souchong tea, and left to soak, then cool). I don't know. Crazy talk, perhaps. But if this shit can help stave off my near constant hunger, I'll try just about anything.

Just got off phone w/local market that carries Kanten; $8.99 per 1 oz container of flakes.

Note to self:

2 gm->1Cup water
28 gm = 1 oz

Struggles w/Atkins

Last Monday was the first full day of genuinely being "ON" Atkins. I believe my daily carb count for the entire day was in the neighborhood of 15?

Monday night, I woke up with a ferocious charlie horse in each calf muscle.

Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling out of sorts, and every muscle in my body aching. I can only deduce it's from a build-up of lactic acid from the protein laden food intake on Monday.

So sick, stayed home Tuesday. Drank plenty of water, and went back to bed at 8:30 a.m., after calling in sick. Stayed in bed until 4:30. Just miserable.

Now? My heart isn't "in it," and I'm rethinking the whole idea. Even though I had lofty ideas of incorporating my "Fiber 35" shakes (each w/a net carb of 8, and not too horrible tasting, yet very very filling), as well as catabolic veggies, this time around on Atkins.

My life is too on-the-go for a regimen which requires me to sit with a knife and fork. Atkins isn't very portable. Yet, after the induction period, I know I'll feel better. But the induction period is enough to make me lose my mind.

Seriously.

Feeling a bit morally dejected, and flawed, and furious at something I cannot see (my pancreas, DNA, what have you).

My word (even to myself) has no meaning. My word and promise to myself that this time would be different, that I'd conquer this demon... it's all empty, hollow, meaningless.

I've failed yet again.

Atkins, Redux

Attempting to get back on Atkins.

This time I'm going to attempt to include more Atkins-friendly catabolic vegetables. Atkins isn't all that portable, nor convenient for that matter, so A LOT of planning is necessary.

GAH.