It’s been three months since my last post. In that time I got put on xanax, and then Wellbutrin, then titrated up. I can’t tell if it is helping tbh. But I guess you cannot meditate or medicate away an existential crisis or nervous breakdown. It has been suggested I can get referred out to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, but tbh I have enough to deal with.
I am about six weeks into psychotherapy, AGAIN, with a new therapist. I remain unconvinced it will help, but I try to keep myself open to the possibility of being surprised. Six weeks into this and I haven’t gotten any new tools or strategies.
It has been 11 months (almost) since that first shot of Pfizer fucked me up. Eleven months later and my liver enzymes are finally back to normal. I stopped taking the alpha lipoic acid my former endocrinologist recommended. Finally that pesky issue where my gct, hgb, and rbc were elevated has resolved; however my GFR has dropped substantially. I have an appt with my nephrologist two weeks from now, so I am deferring my worry until then.
But I do question what caused it to drop? The vax? Dropping ALA? Or, when I got so sick in April of last year, was it COVID? My PCR came back negative, but we didn’t think to get me tested for antigen or antibodies. I’ll never know.
Two weeks ago I finally saw my gyno, and it looks like my body went into sudden menopause right after the first shot of Pfizer. Doc won’t say I am in menopause until it has been a full year without menses—so far it is 11 months. So this is just one more shitty thing for me to process & manage on top of everything else. And just like I said about an existential crisis or nervous breakdown, I cannot medicate or meditate myself out of this emotional tornado that menopause is adding to everything else.
It would be interesting to test my cortisol levels—I am sure they are through the roof, with this unrelenting stress and outrage I have experienced for the last two solid years.
I wanted to get a PRP shot in my right shoulder, but can’t do that until we get an MRI, and insurance won’t cover the MRI unless I go for PT. So I am in a PT holding pattern for 6 weeks until we can get the MRI and finally the PRP.
This is from a now-seven year old injury, and my last physiatrist was more interested in keeping me in a cycle of trigger point injections followed by massages which the insurance did not cover, rather than healing my shoulder. And all the PT I did in 2016 for this did nothing, and now I am starting the process all over again with my current physiatrist.
Tomorrow I have a consult with an orthopedic surgeon, as my physiatrist is referring me out for a hip replacement. The last two years. I had been avoiding grabbing onto railings as I was doing contact avoidance, and in doing so, I ground down the last bit of my cartilage and now it is bone on bone in my hip socket.
The idea of having my hip joint removed it pretty serious imho, but the idea that it will help with my pain and mobility I can’t wait. I hope it is life changing.
On my vision board I have my surgery pegged for July or August, after I am boostered in June.
31 more days until the shitty two year mark, two years exactly to the day, when mom was notified the virus was in the nursing home. And from that date (April 9th), it’ll be another 32 days until the two year anniversary of mom’s death.
As of today it has been 673 days since she died, terrified and alone. Again, I cannot medicate or meditate away the profound loneliness, and depression and homesickness I feel. It is surreal. This grief and sadness is affecting my health and I cannot seem to fight my way out of it, regardless of my best efforts.
