Making Good Use of My Time Away From The Salt Mine

I love hearing my own material come back to me. Most of the time it is philosophical shit & advice. And today I was reminded about this book I recommended & I’ll be using my recovery time planning my ultimate exit strategy. 

For 20 years it has been like mustering up the appetite to eat rotten meat. Each year bringing more & more changes & challenges. Most days I’d sit on my cubicle silently sobbing. Nearly 29 months of COVID have compounded all that with the prevailing awareness I am not safe. And for a person like me, who never felt truly safe from early childhood right on through the day I met Maharajah (32 years), vulnerability & insecurity are big issues for me. 

In the last 7 months I tried therapy (again!), and anti-anxiety & anti-depressants (again!), and zero return on that investment of time & money. I can neither meditate nor medicate my way out of a shitty job & an existential crisis.

Prior to my surgery 16 days ago, without exaggeration, each day would start with my first disappointing thoughts being “oh fuck, I didn’t die in my sleep,” before my feet even hit the floor.

After day 5 post-op, there has been a shift in my outlook. (And no it isn’t the vicodin—which I am happy to report, I am no longer taking!) NOW, my first thoughts each day are now, “I can’t wait to see how much more I improved & how much better I feel after sleeping last night.”

15 Years ago I had a “5 year plan, where I’d go out in maternity leave, then redirect myself & find a new job. Well, that never happened. My salary is a trap, no one wants to hire me at a lesser salary presuming I’d be a flight risk & leave first chance I could for higher pay.

There is also the issue of self-sabotage during interviews too, and not really knowing how to market myself, as well as the possibility of an as yet undiagnosed personality or social disorder that might be impeding my ability to find alternate work.

All I know is after 20 yrs I believe I deserve better than anxiety attacks, sobbing at my desk & a raging case of imposter syndrome. I hope by Sept. 2023–or sooner to be out of there. Bottom line: I don’t feel safe & I’m tired of feeling as if *I* am a problem.

Day 16 Microscopic Improvements Each Day

Before the surgery, I would wake up and my first thought before my feet hit the floor would be, “oh fuck i didn’t die in my sleep.” 

I have noticed a shift in my mindset, and now my first thought is, “let’s see how much I improved during my sleep.”

Yesterday was my 2 week post-op appointment with the surgeon. 

Appt was late. Everything good. He did exactly as I thought he would: put a steri-strip butterfly at the top of the incision and a silver bandage. 

I have to return next week for him to inspect the incision, just as I suspected the top of the incision pulled open. 

Got an order for outpatient PT. tbh I am not looking forward to that. 

I got cleared to resume chiropractic & acupuncture. I will be on Xarelto (the blood thinner) another 3 weeks. 

Regarding how I am feeling right this moment: exhausted. 

By the time I was done with the x-ray and in waiting room to see surgeon, I had already banged out 1,100 footsteps. So I was fairly wiped out at that point. 

We ordered & picked up our lunch and just sat in the parking lot eating it as we both were famished. We wolfed it down happily. 

Then we headed to Wegmans for a curbside pick up of groceries, then back home, and surprisingly I did not start napping immediately. 

This weekend’s project will be installing a grab bar in the shower. We also managed to go to our his and hers acupuncture which was on the books for weeks. Glad to do something familiar and routine and so glad to see our acupuncturist. 

Monday is hopefully the final appointment with the visiting nurse. And no doubt there will be another visit by either/or/both, the PT & OT.

I need to schedule some appointments for outpatient PT (ugh!). And in all likelihood the follow up appointment with the surgeon will be Friday so he can inspect the incision. 

I dare to hope that by the end of next week I will be able to be stable enough & get the green light to finally take a hot shower. 

Day 14

PT was here super early, messing up my personal schedule. I had to adapt, to make sure I saw the PT again before tomorrow’s follow up appointment. 

I went down my stairs and managed 300 footsteps out to the parking lot, and back. Then some stretching & range of motion stuff (ouch!) leaving me exhausted. 

Tonight I will shampoo and do a thorough washing up. Tomorrow the OT (occupational therapist) shows up before I leave for my appointment with the surgeon. Let’s see what he says about my incision—I suspect a couple butterflies will be added. 

Next concern: This will be the first outing since I returned home the day after surgery—where will we pick up lunch?

2022 Summer of Self Care

So I am out on medical leave until end of August & will be telecommuting until mid-October. 

In addition to getting my hip replaced this month: 

In August I have a trifecta of appointments: See a neuro for an EMG for my shoulder; psych eval to finally get a proper diagnosis of which  anxiety or depression disorder I have & get screened for autism. I hope the latter will be illuminating; and my annual physical with my GP.  

September the only thing I have scheduled is my regular appointment with my nephrologist—and depending on how immobile I am and how I feel,  I might try to schedule an appointment with my cardiologist too. 

October I might arrange both, my annual appointment with my ENT & see the otolaryngologist to get my thyroid nodule drained again. 

Before I know it, I’ll be back in the office; however, I would be lying if I said I have not been wishing and hoping and employing a lot of fantasy thinking regarding just cashing it all in and retiring. 

I need to figure out a way to finally gnaw my arm off to get out of this bear trap I have been in for the last 20 years. 

Day 13: My Old Nemesis—STAIRS!

Just like Po in Kung Fu Panda, “Ah, my old nemesis! STAIRS!” Today was the first time since my surgery (13 days ago) where I descended & ascended the 15 stairs to my home. It was bound to happen, as my two week follow up appointment is two days from now, and my visiting PT suggested we try it right before they left. 

13 down and 13 up, and now I am exhausted. 

Additionally, I’m pretty disappointed with the visiting LPN’s ability to dress my incision and stitches. The first dressing she put on was on these 3 strange stitches no where near my incision on the glute medius. Within 4 hours that fell off. The second dressing was at the top of my incision, and I went through my “morning ablutions,” only to see that despite her telling me otherwise, the gauze stuck to the top of my incision, which no doubt will be getting a butterfly or two when i see the surgeon on Friday. 

I was stuck standing for about an hour, between washing up in anticipation for the PT to arrive, and when Maharajah returned home after a nice outing for himself. I couldn’t remove the gauze as it dangled from the top of the incision and the location was so awkward I couldn’t reach it myself to cut off what I could. 

When Maharajah arrived, he cut off what he could, and I slathered a non-stick telfa with neosporin and taped the shebang over the top of the incision. 

IDK, basic wound care should be pretty standard for a visiting LPN—shouldn't it? 36 years ago when I was in basic training, we did an entire training module on first aid and battlefield wound dressing. Not to sound haughty, but imho I do a better job, and would have, if I had eyes in the back of my head. 

TBH, if I were able to have dressed my own wounds, i think I’d be better off by now. Meanwhile the top of my incision still seeps a bit. I will just keep everything clean and dry until i see the surgeon on Friday. 

Day 9: Shark Bite

Nothing new or earth shattering to report; however, I have decided to call my gnarly incision my “shark bite.” 

Day 8, New Hip Double Dose of Cake

So far so good, I guess. 

The nurse has been here 2x—and is expected today as well. She changed out my surgical dressing. My incision is 17 cm long and appears to be healing up fine—no oozing or draining, and the only swelling I have has been isolated to the hip itself. 

Physical therapist has been here 2x and I am uncertain if she is to arrive today. I hope she doesn’t come today, I have been up and about. I even made myself some breakfast. 

Yesterday was Maharajah’s birthday, and though I had to break up the task into mini-tasks to accomplish it, I made cup cakes to celebrate his day (and for him to share with his mall walkers group today. 

Day 6, New Hip

The visiting nurse just left. She changed the dressing on the incision—the incision is 17 cm long and so far—so good. 

Now I sit for the physical therapist. I am not sure what benefit I am getting out of these visits. She gave me this photocopy which looks like an antique. It looks like it originally was a mimeograph which has been photocopied repeatedly. 

I start & end each day with a vicodin, so my ability to focus on reading or fine details is pretty much shot-to-shit. And looking at this piss-poor quality photocopy makes me wonder how difficult it is for visually impaired folks to read & process it. 

Hell. I will be 54 next month, and I am in awe of 70-80 year olds who undergo this procedure. Make no mistake! Just because they get you up and walking right away and discharge you pretty damned quickly, this is a major undertaking. I can totally understand how some folks just give up after having a hip replacement. 

Also—I feel that the expectation that patients are able to maneuver in and out of bed immediately after surgery is greatly over estimated. For myself, I found it took me by day 5 post-op to do it without additional assistance. It is super unpleasant and hard work, and couple that with pain, discomfort, and my body still processing the trauma from surgery & the prosthetic implant—it is not for the weak. 

We have created our own schedule for meds. I start & end each day with a vicodin, then 500 mg extra strength acetaminophen every 4 hours. Maharajah gives me my morning vicodin when he gets up, which is 3 hours before I decide to get out of bed. So far this schedule seems to work. 

Anyway—behold the butt pic showing off the incision—as well as the poor quality photocopy I mentioned. Now, I sit sipping coffee waiting for the PT, and then a well deserved nap when they leave. 

Day Four, New Hip

Thursday was the surgery—you would think that was the worst day. Nope. Yesterday was. They released me Friday, so yesterday/Saturday was the worst—although today I am experiencing a moderate amount of pain—bordering on agony. 

Last night I put a trash bag under my bum when i got on bed, hoping it would help me scoot myself off my bed. It helped. 

Additionally, when Maharajah got up before me, he gave me a tylenol to prime me for when I wanted to get out of bed. I am still trying to figure out when is the optimal time to take the vicodin vs tylenol. I’m not ashamed to say some of the pain has been intense enough to bring me to tears. 

I managed to get out of bed with a minimum of discomfort & difficulty, and I thought today was going to be different than yesterday regarding pain, but it is pretty intense. 

500 mg Tylenol around 6 am, and by 8 am I popped a vicodin & have an ice pack on my thigh/hip area. So I guess it is just a waiting game at this point. 

So I had a hip replacemrnt

So far, I am two days out from a total hip replacement. This is the second surgery I have had in my attempts to not become my mom, and have a different path in my life—the first surgery was my gastric bypass 11 years ago. 

So far it has been a really amazing process to go through. 

Two days ago, zi woke at 4:30, to leave by 5:30, to arrive for check in at 6:30, for - 9 am surgery. By 10 am they had in the OR prepped for surgery. By 1 pm I was in recovery. 2 pm I was in my room? and by 6 pm they had ne up on my feet (I walked 100 feet at that time). Just—wow!

Interesting tidbit about my surgery: the surgeon said the spot in my socket that was impacted was different than for other people. My issue was on the side, not up too, and apparently the bone looked like it was starting to get necrotic. 

Yesterday I met & exceeded all benchmarks & was discharged close to 12 noon and I was home by 1 pm. All was fine yesterday. 

Today is day #2, and I awoke with a lot of breakthrough pain, and i struggled to get out of bed, and popped my first vicodin by 9 am. 

Visiting nurse arrived today and there isn’t much to say about that. Two days from now, the occupational therapist shows up, and I guess the work begins. 

In the meantime, I just want to rest.