The story behind my quick & radical decision isn’t all that quick!
I have known since my first interaction with my bureau chief that she was an awful human and an equally awful manager, as each interaction left me with the prevailing worry that I’d lose my job—and one time I even worried I’d be arrested.
Every little molehill was escalated to mountain status. Bit by bit she chipped away at my confidence and my self perception, never acknowledging my contributions, but shredding me any time I dared to move out from this box she rammed me into.
The gaslighting & indignities came on much more regularly after my friend left the bureau to go elsewhere. He & I collaborated well, and he was a human shield of sorts.
I haven’t done anything differently since he left, and yet the perception that that quality in my work diminished markedly was claimed by all three: my bureau chief, deputy bureau chief and my office manager—all three boldly said to my face how they all thought I was being intentionally difficult to work with.
Essentially they were calling me an asshole. This was enough to rouse me out of my dissociative state for me to defend myself, and also tell all three people present in my evaluation I was insulted they thought that. And when I pressed them to qualify what makes me so difficult, they claim I ask too many questions.
I then pointed at all three cunts and said, “Each one of you knows I have C-PTSD. What you perceive is me being intentionally difficult to work with is in fact me suffering from crippling performance anxiety & and I ask as many questions as I do to ensure I do a good job.”
This, of course, shattered me. I was wounded in a way that was so familiar and toxic. I knew no matter what I did, I would never get the recognition I felt I was entitled to. If volunteering to work as part of a skeleton crew during the shut down during a god damned global pandemic would not be enough, nothing else would suffice either.
Additionally, over the last 10 years the scope of my job changed bit by bit to the point where it was no longer the job for which I was hired. Same thing goes for the culture in the office changing too.
For the last six years, whenever I was physically in the office, I would sit & silently weep uncontrollably in my cubicle. Each morning I would say to my husband, “I don’t wanna go. Don’t make me go. Do I have to go?” It was six years of trying to muster up an appetite to chow down on rotten meat.
Two years ago when I was out recovering from my hip replacement, I sought out a neuropsychological evaluation, and got my diagnosis. Then I found a psychiatric nurse practitioner to handle finding the right medication. I even got genetic testing to help determine which medication might be best.
The medication helps, I still cry from time to time, but it has helped that uncontrollable urge to sob. I am not borked out of my mind, it hasn’t blunted me entirely, so I am still functioning.
That all being said, after the evaluation broke my heart & broke my spirit, my husband finally said “it is time to retire.” He reminded me of how I stuck it out for my 20 year mark and how it is now nearly 22 years. It’s time.
Before my eval, I requested 7/18 off as we had tickets for an event. The email was sent to my bureau chief and office manager was cc:. The office manager replied with this: 🙁 Yes, a frowny face emoji. Not sure what that means or what place it has in an official email. Looking back on this now makes me laugh, because in the end, my effective date for my retirement is 7/18.
So after the eval, we went on our cruise as planned, and I would contact HR on Monday, 6/10 from the privacy of my home; however, on 6/5 when I returned to the office I was so stressed out & miserable & unable to swallow coffee or dry pretzels without refluxing them into my trash can. And when the refluxing happened again the next day, I said fuck Monday, and I sent an email to HR on 6/6.
On 6/7 I had my first full on discussion to explore my options. I stated “I’m sure I’m not the only person to reassess their retirement plans in the advent of covid.” I didn’t want to let HR know why I was leaving. I don’t want to walk away mad, I just wanted to walk away.
On 6/21 I had my last conversation with the director of HR confirming all my choices, and tended to the last detail: determining my last day in the office. When the director asked, “when would you like to notify your bureau chief?” I replied, “How soon may I do so?” When she replied, “Today!” And by 2:11 pm, I sent an email notifying all 3 angry cunts, plus cc: the HR director and cc: my gmail account.
The HR director spoon fed me the language in my email, and 7/5 was my last day in the office; 7/17 was my last day on payroll; and my effective date of my retirement is 7/18.
The bureau chief replied first, congratulating me on my retirement.
The office manager’s email was noteworthy for its lack of exclamation points: “Wow. What a surprise. Good luck with your retirement.”
And the biggest disappointment was my deputy bureau chief, who failed to reply to the email or acknowledge me or my retirement at all—even refusing to say hello to me unless I initiated it. She was the biggest disappointment. I thought we were on good terms & understood each other.
At one point my office manager wanted to know certain tasks I do, and she only asked about items she had on her list. I talked down to her regarding my methods by which I generate my monthly reporting. “I do them all via pivot tables. If I could teach myself, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
She asked about a voluminous task which had a 7/24 deadline, and wanted to know where I was regarding it, and stated how she didn’t want to get slammed with it. Well? Calling someone an asshole isn’t conducive to getting them to perform optimally.
TBH, I had cut back substantially on working on that project. I was only doing things that were essential to my departure, such as archiving whatever files of mine that needed archiving, shredding 22 years of other notes, files, manuals & how to’s to do my job. Every day I threw out bits of this and that, and carted home things I wanted to keep.
My focus was clearing out my desk, and notifying others in other offices who I interfaced with for archive help, FOIL requests, and interfacing with people at criminal appeals—none of that was discussed with my office manager, and tbh I don’t give a shit anymore and it isn’t my job to point out her deficiencies. Let her figure it out.
7/3 I was in the office & neither my bureau chief nor my office manager acknowledged me. A handful of four friends got an ice cream cake for me and we sat out on the patio and commiserated.
7/4 was a holiday. 7/5 was my last day, and all three angry cunts, cowards all, were not in the office. There were no cards nor flowers nor anything tangible I could toss in the trash before leaving the office for that final day.
Office manager wanted me to leave my ID and my laptop (with all my passwords) on her desk, unsecured. We had mandatory training regarding this kind of thing.
A week before, I reached out to my contact at the supply warehouse for a box for my laptop—and she even provided a FedEx label for it. I sent an email to HR stating my ID was en route, provided the fedex tracking and cc: my bureau chief & office manager. I did the same for the laptop, but sent the email to asset management & my contact at the warehouse.
Before end of business on 7/5, I prepared my final time sheet, dropped the items to be fedexed in the bin, grabbed my purse and my air purifier, and I exited the building for the final time.
Other things I did on my to do list was block all three angry cunts on my cell phone, change the outgoing message on my voicemail, set up an out of office message on my email, transfer files to the shared drive & prepare a thumbdrive for a coworker, then do my final walk about, saying goodbyes and giving out little gifts to friends. I even arranged for a box of brownies to be delivered to the HR director to thank her & her team for their helpfulness in my crash course to retirement.
By 11:00 am the following morning, my email access was deactivated, and it is now as it I were never there.
It has been two weeks since, and I wish I could say I feel overjoyed. I am sure in chess, this is like sacrificing your queen, a necessary tactic in order to win your battle. I feel relieved. I will feel even more relieved once I receive my first pension payment.
Life will go on, and I ate before I started working there and I’ll continue to eat now that I am no longer there. Yet these familiar pangs, waiting for those who wronged me (much like my mom) to apologize. And those apologies will never come. And I have to remind myself “this is how things are now.”
And here it is, the day before the deadline to turn over all those documents which I left for the office manager to…”manage” without me. I hope she worked her ass off over the weekend. I hope it inconvenienced whatever birthday plans she had. However, I doubt she possesses the self awareness necessary to realize her accusations that I was being intentionally difficult to work with were off base. Truly, if I actually applied myself, she would not be able to handle me if I actually applied myself.
I have always used the analogy of blue cheese to describe myself: either people love blue cheese or they hate blue cheese. No one is wishy-washy about blue cheese. And I understand that not everyone will like me; however, do they have to be cruel about it?
In hindsight I am thankful for their cruelties. As it was the catalyst I needed to take care of myself. Just like I am thankful for that 18 wheeler that rear-ended my car, and the pain and suffering money/annuity checks I waited 25 years to mature started to arrive each month last year. Had it not been for that pain and suffering money, I probably would not be able to extricate myself from this ever-increasing toxic environment and end, or at least minimize my pain and suffering.
This wasn’t the plan, and it isn’t ideal, but I will survive, and for the first time in a very long time, I am optimistic and hope that whatever comes next will be transformative.
