Had my newest boss not come on in 2018, I more than likely would have continued to work for another 6 years to reach full retirement age.
Resentful that in order for me to leave/retire & still maintain my medical insurance, I had to do so by taking a 24% hit on my retirement—24% in perpetuity.
Resentful that I had to walk away from the only “community” I have known for 22 years—the closest thing I had to an extended family, especially the last 4 years since mom’s death dissolved most of my immediate family connections.
Mom’s death was the final, physical and emotional abandonment.
Maharajah left for India on 12/24 and returns on 1/8, leaving me alone during the holidays, a time I normally am very blue; however this year I feel it even more, as I no longer have the day-to-day social interactions and distraction that my job once provided.
While M is away, I have continued with my Swedish Death Cleaning, and feeling even more morbid as I do so. I am trying to be ruthless with some of the things I am parting with—and disassociating while I do so. I am almost feeling like I am someone else going through the possessions of someone who has already passed. In a way, I am experiencing my own mortality almost on a molecule by molecule basis.
It is the new year, and I am filled with dread for the next four years—and hoping it is just four years. I am joyless and always worried for M’s safety. The world just seems to keep getting more and more unstable and violent.
Hope is a dangerous thing. The disappointment is crushing. He is 8,000+ miles away right now, and I have a knot in my gut. I wonder how many rebirths did I have to endure until I finally found him nearly 25 years ago. I am greedy. I want more time with him. I want him back home with me. We are such a tiny family, he and I. Without him by my side, I am profoundly alone. The thought of its preciousness nearly cripples me.
I never thought when I met him nearly 25 years ago and subsequently fell in love that every new beginning has its own conclusion. Falling in love is the start of eventual suffering, loss and grief.
He is with his family & being well taken care of by them. And yet I still worry, and I miss him intensely. Counting down the moments until he is back home.
