Email Exchange With Sis

From Sis:

HEY HOW ARE YOU

I AM NOW WORRYING ABOUT YOU

I THINK YOU NEED TO EVAL ALL THOSE FINDINGS WITH YOUR PRIMARY, IREALLY THINK HE MAY BE OVERDOING IT. HE SEEMS TO BE TREATING THE SIDE EFFECT OF ONE MEDICATION WITH ANOTHER MEDICATION.

I JUST AM SO TIRED WHEN I GET HOME I CANT EVEN CALL, I REALLY MEAN TO I LAY DOWN WITH BABYGIRL AND AM SOUND ASLEEP EVEN BEFORE SHE IS NEXT THING I KNOW IT IS LIKE 4AM.

I MISS YOU AND SO DOES BABYGIRL, THE LETTER OF THE WEEK IS S SO SHE SAYS "LIKE AUNT S." I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM THE HERNIA SURGERY. I AM SO AFRAID TO DO CERTAIN THINGS, I NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANY TYPE OF SURGERY LIKE THAT AGAIN

WORK IS WORK, NOTHING NEW WITH THAT. NOTHIN NEW WITH [HUBBY]

ARE YOU COMING DOWN FOR EASTER PLEEEEEASSSSEEEEEE!!!!! I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN EASTER EGG HUNT, AND YOU CAN HELP BABYGIRL AND I MAKE A BUNNY CAKE..........

I HOPE YOU AND [HUBBY]

ARE DOING OK, I AM FAT AND OLD AND SLIGHTLY DEPRESSED

SO HOW IS YOUR DAY GOING?

SIS

From Me:

Why worry? The eczema hasn't changed, and I go for regular mammos, and nothing turns up with them, other than our lumpy boobs we inherited from mom. No change, no discharge, just an insane itch at times.

If you're fat and old... what does that make ME? I'm soooo relating to what you're going through. And the depressed, shit... I feel like a failure most of the time, and the rest of the time I feel like a loser who just wants to be loved and no one knows how to love me.

IS THIS WHAT MID-LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE? [I'm 38, She's 37]

I'm hoping that once I go thru a sleep study to address the snoring and what I suspect is apnea, and once I get myself properly oxygenated while I sleep, and hopefully start to get some restorative sleep... maybe I'll start feeling better.

I thought once [HUBBY'S] his parents went back home, I'd start to feel a bit back to normal, or at least "normal for me," and to be honest, I have no energy for anything. If I miss my Lexapro by a day or two, I start the crying jags all over again.

I am sure the bitter cold weather is not helping matters.

My specialist talked with me about how I'm feeling and especially the feelings of depression and failure... and he told me not to be so hard on myself. That PCOS brings a lot of emotional baggage, and for me not to be so hard on myself about not losing weight... it's an uphill battle.

I can intellectualize what he said, but still, I just want to spend my time curled up in a ball.

[HUBBY] doesn't really help matters either.

I know he loves me. (Why ELSE would he be with me?) Yet...

I know he's incapable of loving me how I need to be loved. If I think about this too long, I'll just start to cry at my desk here. I love him. He loves me. But ... there should just be "so much more." My life is really lacking. And I just wish there were a way for me to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I could just gain some control of this.

As far as the overdoing it with medications... I'm really not on that many meds. I'm on my metformin (2500 daily), my quinaretic in the a.m., my quinapril in the p.m., and my lexapro. So he's changing me from the regular meformin to the XR, and adding something for the triglycerides because of his concerns of my fatty liver syndrome.

I know next time I see him, he's no doubt going to send me to a renal guy [due to elevated uric acid level], and perhaps back to Mt. Sinai for another abdominal ultrasound with their liver & pancreas specialist. I'm fairly confident I am going to the right guy for what ails me. And somehow... getting pregnant isn't that big of a motivator for me.

I can't seem to get motivated to lose the weight. I'm at a standstill. And honestly, I just don't have it in me to try the next great thing to see what works.

I just feel blah. Unloved. Lonely.

I better quit typing about it... or else I'll start sounding like dad...

Regarding Easter... I should be down. [HUBBY], eh... well you know him. It was a big deal for him to come down for the xmas party. And I won't force him. I just wish that one day he'd wake up and realize that his attendance isn't for others.... it's for me. I didn't get married to do things alone, and damnit if that's what I'm doing... being alone.

And I have just about shut down at home. All I want to do is sleep. I feel neglected in general, after almost six years of marriage I feel like I'm married to a stranger who doesn't know me, and I know he feels neglected by me.

And somehow I gotta keep everything afloat by myself... mercifully I don't have to worry about keeping things afloat financially... but still...

there's got to be so much more to this... isn't there?