3/19/07

Menopause hasn’t even hit me, yet.
I’m 38; hopefully I’ve got a few more years
perhaps a decade or so more before I
morph into a different phase of my life.

Yet, somehow I feel obsolete already.
Invisibility is the best way to express
how I feel and how I think the world
perceives me.

Useless.
Obsolete.
Invisible.
Burdensome.

I spent the first 15 years of my life
adapting and conforming, to survive
my family environ. Be someone
other than who I am, just to fit in,
just to be noticed; and in doing so
my fleeting childhood and teen years
disappeared.

I spent the next 15 years of my life
floundering while trying to remain
attractive or magnetic for men. Men,
who in turn used me for their own gains.
Me, a need, to someone else’s end.

Impoverishing my bankbook and my soul.

Useless.
Empty.

The next 15 years should be, or should
have been years nurturing a child, my
child, and in doing so, repair my inner
child, and re-experience childhood,
experience things I should have
experienced in the first place.

Instead I am in a no woman’s land
Fertile? Infertile?
Menopause? Perimenopause?
Useful vs useless.

On the precipice of invisibility and oblivion.

And no one gives a shit about it, but me.

I can’t wait for the day when I just
surrender, when I just don’t care anymore,
because honestly, this struggle,
this fight, these demons
are the only things I truly own.