Still Here. Somewhat.

Haven't had my menses since June, as I started taking the Topamax for my migraines and my fat-itude in July.

From July until August, total poundage lost was 6. Uncertain of any subsequent loss since.

Sunday, menses returned with a vengeance. Of course, because I had a gynecologic appointment on Monday. Rescheduled for the following Monday. Let's see if it abates by then.

Not sure what the lapse in menstruation is a sign of. Any kind of medicinal tinkering and it throws my feminine parts into a tailspin.

Haven't been compliant with my Lexapro, been trying to see if I can get by just on the Topamax as the neuro claims it's good for mood (but it's not, it just fatigues me even more and weirds my mood out). Got into a fight with the husband today as he mindlessly took our dining room closet door off the track... again. That thing (the closet door) is an INSTANT fight starter. The EFFing thing is installed poorly, he refuses to indulge me in a pair of "pocket doors" which would eliminate this problem, as well as be another INVESTMENT in our home, I've got perspiration trickling down to my asscrack, him getting snotty with me, me getting huffy and slapping him, him insulting me, and all this is before I can even take my first cup of tea and my blood pressure pill for the day.

Me without Lexapro? Not a good thing. I went into my den, and sobbed and silently welped out the words, "I don't want to be married..." to myself, rocking myself, sobbing, saying it over and over until it was more like echolalia than actual thoughts, and then the condo manager appeared (to help install some duct work for our bathroom ventilation fan), and I didn't even disguise the fact I had been crying.

I'm almost to the point where wanting to shout how alone and abandoned I feel (emotionally) off the rooftops isn't *RIGHT THERE* in the forefront of every moment. But it's there in the background.

I smile.
I laugh.
I distract myself with friends and my hobbies.
But those who know me... and there aren't that many who truly DO know me, who have taken the time and have the fortitude and have the unconditional love to know me... they know otherwise.
And we smile.
And we laugh.
And we distract each other with our hobbies.
Because we know all too well what each other is going through, and know all too well we cannot take away each other's bag of sorrow and regret and pain.
We can only hold each other's hand...
Whether in thought or in deed
And hope for the very best.
And smile...

Was supposed to go get some blood work today and then the gyno.

That can wait til next week. I need a mental health WEEK this week; but I'll settle for one day... next Monday.