For the first time in close to ten years, I am without a therapist. From January until the end of September, I was in CBT, and I believe made some progress.
CBT deals with problems I have currently; however, I believe I would have been better served undergoing Schema therapy for all the old stuff that's been programmed and entrenched in me from childhood, as I am very triggered by familiar behaviors--and at the moment, I've come to the conclusion that I have more issues with women than men, and for the most part, women who are older than I am, either old enough to be an older sister, a young aunt, or old enough to be my mother.
Thanks to my shitty childhood programming, I am sure I have a combination of schemas programmed into me, but I'd say my primary ones are fear of failure, abandonment, and rejection. Additionally, I'm generally distrustful of those who I SHOULD trust (parents, family, and some close friends), and I believe my attachment style is anxious-avoidant.
I've been listening to all sorts of podcasts regarding rejection schemas, and CBT, and recovery from narcissistic abuse, as well as podcasts that might help inspire or motive me to leave this shitty job.
Given the fact Maharajah's medical insurance will be changing come January, I don't know at this point whether it will cover counseling services/therapy. So I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it in two months.
Meanwhile, I am still keeping up a brisk schedule of twice weekly acupuncture appointments, twice monthly chiropractic appointments, and trying to minimize what suffering I can.
Next Monday I will be in NYC for appointments: routine six month follow up with kidney guy for my blood pressure; follow up w/internist where I'll get my 2nd shingles shot as well as a flu shot; and a 2 year follow up appt with a neuro ophthalmologist.
Meanwhile, there's a thing going on with the ball of my foot, which has been brewing since the injury six months ago in Mexico, and the chiropractor palpated it and speculates something is going on at the insertion point for the tendon. There very clearly is a cyst forming under my callous (not a blister). So ONE MORE appointment either with the physiatrist or foot specialist.
December already has an EMG of the lower extremities and yet another consult with a rheumatologist to see what's going on. I'm ready for the fibromyalgia diagnosis, if that is what is lurking on the periphery for me. I just need to know that something IS going on, and it's not my imagination, and perhaps I'll stop this negative inner narrative I have with myself wherein I think I'm lazy or complacent or whatever, because I cannot seem to do what I need or want to do.
All this is a lot to process, and is a full time job unto itself. I think I'm doing "good enough," but wish I were doing better.
CBT deals with problems I have currently; however, I believe I would have been better served undergoing Schema therapy for all the old stuff that's been programmed and entrenched in me from childhood, as I am very triggered by familiar behaviors--and at the moment, I've come to the conclusion that I have more issues with women than men, and for the most part, women who are older than I am, either old enough to be an older sister, a young aunt, or old enough to be my mother.
Thanks to my shitty childhood programming, I am sure I have a combination of schemas programmed into me, but I'd say my primary ones are fear of failure, abandonment, and rejection. Additionally, I'm generally distrustful of those who I SHOULD trust (parents, family, and some close friends), and I believe my attachment style is anxious-avoidant.
I've been listening to all sorts of podcasts regarding rejection schemas, and CBT, and recovery from narcissistic abuse, as well as podcasts that might help inspire or motive me to leave this shitty job.
Given the fact Maharajah's medical insurance will be changing come January, I don't know at this point whether it will cover counseling services/therapy. So I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it in two months.
Meanwhile, I am still keeping up a brisk schedule of twice weekly acupuncture appointments, twice monthly chiropractic appointments, and trying to minimize what suffering I can.
Next Monday I will be in NYC for appointments: routine six month follow up with kidney guy for my blood pressure; follow up w/internist where I'll get my 2nd shingles shot as well as a flu shot; and a 2 year follow up appt with a neuro ophthalmologist.
Meanwhile, there's a thing going on with the ball of my foot, which has been brewing since the injury six months ago in Mexico, and the chiropractor palpated it and speculates something is going on at the insertion point for the tendon. There very clearly is a cyst forming under my callous (not a blister). So ONE MORE appointment either with the physiatrist or foot specialist.
December already has an EMG of the lower extremities and yet another consult with a rheumatologist to see what's going on. I'm ready for the fibromyalgia diagnosis, if that is what is lurking on the periphery for me. I just need to know that something IS going on, and it's not my imagination, and perhaps I'll stop this negative inner narrative I have with myself wherein I think I'm lazy or complacent or whatever, because I cannot seem to do what I need or want to do.
All this is a lot to process, and is a full time job unto itself. I think I'm doing "good enough," but wish I were doing better.
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