Day 78

I’ve been an insomniac my entire life, and have battled with night terrors since my teen years, so I can’t blame the pandemic for this; however, surely the pandemic isn’t helping things. 

I nodded off while watching tv last night, only to wake up to take my meds & use the toilet then be unable to drift off to sleep again. 

I nodded off briefly, only to wake up in tears saying to my mother, “if you have the ability to be anywhere, why haven’t you visited me even once? Why can’t we say we are sorry NOW? Sorry that we wasted our precious time together being angry or jealous or resentful? Why won’t you give me in death what you were unable to give me while you were alive?” 

My eyes are tearing up as I type this. What is it going to take to make me whole again? What is it going to take to make me stop sobbing each day?