So where we left off, the Viibryd was helpful insofar as it kept me from my crying jags; however, it came at the expense of my blood pressure which was super high for me.
We are now 17 days into Trintellix, and so far, it seems to be helpful without sacrificing my blood pressure. I'm even managing to bathe regularly, every day to every other day, so that's improving too. I know for myself, my reluctance to get cold and wet from showering is an outward sign of my depression and self abandonment, so it's nice to see that improving.
It's a tool in the tool box as I say to my trauma therapist. I don't expect all my problems to magically disappear; however, the analogy I gave her was that before you can set a table and host a dinner party, you have to clear the clutter off your dining room table. I'm hoping the Rx will help me clear the clutter, stop me from crying, so I can actually continue my work.
After several months of discussions and unpacking stories and traumas, this week we finally identified in more specific terms what I want to tackle with my trauma clinician. I narrowed it down to two life traps: rejection and abandonment. For example: I cannot tolerate any negative feedback on my evaluations at work and view it as an outright rejection of all my contributions & conscientiousness. I also view Maharajah's interest in nature walks and other outings as him abandoning me, him trying to escape the hell it must be to be around me.
I had my six month post-surgical check up with the orthopedic surgeon who replaced my hip, and I'm doing so well he remarked that if he had not been the one to replace my hip he would not be able to detect that I had a joint replacement at all. Range of motion is great, and my only complaints are continued numbness & sensitivity at and around the incision site, as well as occasional discomfort deep in the groin if I sit too long.
The surgeon even did an assessment of my right hip, and referred back to previous xrays and MRIs where the right hip was visualized, and remarked that it's unlikely I'll need to get the right hip done--so all the issues I have right now regarding gait and referred pain is related to my effed up feet.
Still going for twice weekly appointments to the foot doc, getting therapy for the plantars fasciitis which has hobbled me since I walked close to 10K footsteps on Columbus Day. According to Maharajah's assessment, I'm about 50% better. I had a cortisone shot about a week ago which was so utterly agonizingly painful I doubt I'll have another. So, right now I'm trying to do a cost benefit analysis of whether I should have shock wave therapy before or after our trip we have planned in the early spring.
I worry if I get the shockwave therapy done beforehand, "what if" there is a complication which impacts my ability to walk? And I worry about waiting until after the trip and "what if" I walk too much on the trip and hobble myself again. All things to consider. And of course, the financial consideration as it isn't covered by insurance.
Beyond this? We still have managed not to catch COVID, and we have not visited any of my family save for mom's funeral in May 2020 and the funeral of my cousin's husband in September 2022. We visited friend in July for what seems like an annual visit now (as we refuse to visit indoors, as their kids are both in school and are vectors for infection).
In the spring we will be traveling, and I'm doing so under duress, as three years has been a long time to give up something we love so much. 2022 saw Maharajah traveling (for work) to Vancouver, and to India to visit his family, and both times, remarkably, he came home safe and uninfected.
Part of our travel gear for this trip will be Enovid NOS nasal spray, which we'll apply 2x a day, and hope for the very best possible outcome with this.
I held out as long as I could, firmly refusing to travel from 2020-2022, and said to M at some point I'd consider resuming travel in 2023, and? Well? It's now 2023, and I cannot expect him to oblige me refusing to travel any further.
In the Beforetimes, I used to get so sick from air travel, and only after we started masking on planes did that change. I guess I am fortunate to have had that personal experience, as it was sufficient empirical data necessary to prove to me, ever the skeptic, that effective masking WORKS. I didn't need the WHO or the CDC or Tony-fucking-Fauci to tell me what I needed to do, I just did what needed to be done to keep me and Maharajah safe. It is dispiriting to realize how reckless, careless, ignorant, selfish, stupid, gullible most of my family are (based on how they've navigated the last 1000+ days) and how unsafe I feel even just thinking about spending time with them.
I'm just now learning how I cannot control my thoughts, specifically, the first thought that comes into my head. The brain and subconscious will fire a neuron and an idea pops into my head. What I do immediately afterwards is in my control. Do I allow all the related thoughts continue to cascade, followed by the FEELINGS those thoughts unearth? Or do I distract myself, and interrupt the flow?
So yes. I miss the illusions I had about my family. And in the words of mom's final xmas voicemail she left me in 2019: "Well, this is how things are now." And my thoughts now drift to something more productive, like how I really enjoy how my body wash/shampoo/body lotion smells, or thinking about how impossibly crunchy my baguette will be at lunch today--simply put, enjoy what I can in this moment--which right now also is me hearing my co-worker and dear friend of 20 years laughing.
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