Onward & Hopefully Upward

Monday I saw The Foot Whisperer. We immediately came up with a game plan: Shockwave therapy every Monday for the next four weeks for the soft tissue issues in the right foot. 

The left foot has its own set of issues/concerns. As of late, I have had an ever increasing amount of pain across the instep of the left foot. Right now, we don't know what is causing it. The following is a list of issues it could be:

1. Referred pain due to the DVT in the same leg.
2. Referred pain from the greater trochanteric pain syndrome.
3. Radiculopathy that's in the leg or a pinched nerve somewhere else in the same leg.
4. Arthritis at the site of a fracture I sustained 50 years ago.
5. Possible gout as my uric acid is elevated.
6. Some combination of the above; or some other issue as yet to be identified.

Additionally, 4/2/24 I go for an MRI of the left foot to get a better idea of what else is going on in the foot.

3/18/24 I have an appt with my kidney doc.
3/25/24 I have an appt with my primary care doc.
4/1/24 I have an appt with my gyno to follow up on a pelvic MRI.

Hopefully I can get some kind of consensus between the three of them regarding possibly putting me on low dose HRT instead of gout medicine, as so many of my issues are a byproduct of going through menopause totally unsupported--even the DVT is a byproduct (of several issues in addition to) of menopause. 

So, if you're keeping track, every Monday and Tuesday I work from home, and every Monday and every Tuesday has either a doctor's appointment or a radiology appointment to chip away at my collection of issues, and tbh it's made me very weary. But what other choice do I have? I have a great case study (mom) regarding what happens when you do nothing--everything has a cumulative effect and ends up becoming an avalanche out of which you cannot extricate yourself.

The pain in my left foot is truly breathtaking. I could be walking along fine and then be struck with a pain so intense it just about knocks me off my feet. I could be sitting and watching tv peacefully and then get struck with a throbbing hot pain I cannot ignore. And with the anticoagulant Rx for the DVT, I cannot take ibuprofen, and acetaminophen really doesn't do anything for the inflammation (and is a known liver toxin), so the pain has to be otherworldly for me to take a Tylenol. And the turmeric I resumed daily isn't really doing anything for this foot pain. I keep a cane at work and one in the car just in case I suddenly need it. And I'm still keeping my daily footstep count around 3000, and yet I get seized with this intense pain. Last night I actually sobbed about it and wailed about how I can't wait for my next rebirth so I can finally ditch this shitty body.

Unrelated to the foot pain, and circling back to the pelvic MRI I had on Tuesday, from what I can see on the radiology report, there isn't anything indicated as "suspicious," and there are no masses; so the appointment on 4/1/24 with the gyno is to discuss the MRI and I guess find out if she still wants to biopsy anything. 

This is a full time job: scheduling all these appointments, then actually attending them. A job I don't get paid for, but the payoff is just restoring and maintaining mobility.  I'm doing what I can, but I feel like I am sliding into the abyss anyway.

And in other news...

Today is Long Covid Awareness Day. And four years into this mess, I am still met with resistance. I was supposed to take my break today and sit and chat with a friend. So I show up at his office (with me in an N95), and as I attempted to hand him a KN95, he gave push back and claimed he can't wear a mask. And with that I replied, "Then I can't sit in a closed office with you." We're supposed to have a phone call instead, and really, I don't have it in me to call him. Fuck him and every other plague rat just like him. 

I want my 2019 version of my life back.

Another Week, Another Post

Another week, another post with progress as yet to be determined.

Monday I went to the lab for some blood tests for my nephrologist appointment on 3/18/2024. My nephrologist is normally top notch; however, he only ordered a urinalysis and a comprehensive metabolic panel. He faxed me the order, and before I went to Quest, I selected a lipid panel, triglycerides, CR-P, Sed Rate, and Uric Acid, as it looks like I am following my issues more closely and consistently than he is.

I got the results overnight, and already there's a huge improvement with my CR-P. In August it was 11, whereas my norm is 0-1. This week's value was 2, which is a considerable improvement, so I'm happy that it appears the inflammation is going down--and I can only assume it's because of the anticoagulant is helping by minimizing clotting, and allowing my body time to dissolve the clot.

Tuesday was a consultation with a hematologist. I got some answers, and of course, I have YET ANOTHER FOLLOW UP (I think in July). Right now we don't know what the triggering event was for the DVT, as we have quite a few risk factors in consideration as I am post-menopausal, hypertensive, carry the gene for Factor Five Leiden Mutation, I'm over weight, I'm sedentary because of foot chronic foot pain, and I did some air travel in October, and lastly, yes, my Pfizer booster before we traveled might be playing a part in it as well. So take your pick. 

Only bad thing really is that the clot still has a ways to go, as the portion in the calf still needs to show some progress. This was the part that was completely blocked.

I won't know until July if I'll be on a lower dose of anti-coagulation therapy for the rest of my life. Only the blood tests in July will determine that. I'm less than thrilled.

As I said to the hematologist: If I can't take ibuprofen or aleve because of the anticoagulant, and if I can't take opiates because of the antidepressant, how am I expected to manage my pain if I'll be on anticoagulants for the rest of my life?

He told me he couldn't recommend I resume my turmeric supplements; however, all he could do is tell me there isn't anything documented to contraindicate it with the particular anticoagulant I'm on, and for me to be mindful to avoid gastric bleeds.

Anyway, coming up next week are a pedicure and foot doc appointment on Monday, and a pelvic MRI on Tuesday. This is my life. Even the hematologist remarked on it, "I see you've had quite a few encounters at the radiology department!" 

Most years I empty out my flex spend account by June; here it is the first week of March, and all I have left of my $2500 is $400, which I'll have emptied out before Memorial Day--or sooner. 

Trying to get a handle on this unshakable loneliness I have. It's a byproduct of my C-PTSD, and also in this COVID hellscape which persists is not helping. And the loneliness is only the surface shit I can articulate. I wish I could dig a bit further and get to what I really am feeling. And on a related note, I'm going to look into some meditations or stretches or body work or yoga specifically for somatic healing, as so much of my trauma is trapped in me physically.

I don't know if it was helpful or not, perhaps not, but I was stalking the alumni group on FB for my graduating class, and TBH, there isn't one god damned person in the group who is still alive that I'd even care to see, if I made the effort to attend a reunion--and I know the same is in reverse, no one wants to see me, either. There I go again, always being the outsider looking in, wanting to be included but not, but in the end there are very few, if any, people in the group that were particularly nice or kind to me. I feel so lonely, and yet, part of me worries and wonders about how narcissistic is it, really, for me to feel this way, lonely and feeling like no one misses me. As you can see, I still have a ways to go to break that attachment. But people need people--even traumatized introverts with avoidant tendencies--we just don't know how to navigate it.

Mom & The Malocchio

So today's her birthday. She would have been 79 today. Right on time, this morning her sister sent me a text with nothing but a heart emoji in it. That's what my relationship with her has been reduced to: no actual communication, no substance, just emojis. 

Anyway. Where I left off, I wanted to find someone to lift the curse (or curses) with which mom cursed me. Though I haven't found someone to do the traditional Italian ritual to lift the malocchio, my therapist highly recommended an energy healer out on Long Island.

I am not sure what I hope to evolve from the meeting with the healer. I need to focus my intent for that appointment. Right now, I am hoping to achieve some nebulous goal of the healer unblocking whatever it is that has me stuck in this cycle of suffering and grief and everything that is triggering my C-PTSD symptoms. 

Mom has been dead four years now, and I want her emotionally destructive programming expunged from my psyche so I can move forward with my life. I made so much progress in 10-15 years before COVID, and in one fell swoop, like a tsunami, the pandemic, mom dying, my friend Susan dying, the constant state of stress from assessing my risks for EVERYTHING--it wiped out the life I had.  

I am tired of just existing or surviving; I want to resume THRIVING.

Coincidentally, I was looking at the attendance calendar my office manager keeps, and I see that she did not remove my March vacation dates then we changed those dates to May. So I'm on the calendar for the last week of March (okay, 4 out of the 5 days--I have to be in the office on the Friday of that week). 

Initially I was going to remind her those dates were changed, and then I decided to just keep it to myself, and let the vacation dates stand. I need a break. So, I've scheduled my appointment with the healer for 3/28/24. Maharajah and I plan on going for a movie and doing some other things if we can during that time. I also have been day dreaming and planning and squirreling away supplies and items for a bathroom renovation project too, so I might even have the contractor come out for the initial consultation early on in that week, too. 

Self care takes many forms, and for me, in addition to the bevvy of medical appointments I have booked (so far, 15) for the month of March, I've got a pedicure scheduled and an appointment with the energy healer scheduled. The bathroom renovation project is also self care--as I spend so much time at home now, I want my bathroom to be updated and become as nice as possible, and become my oasis.

Foot doc on 3/11/24
MRI on 3/12/2024
First day of spring: 3/20/24
Internist on 3/25/24

All the hard work of all scheduling & attending these appointments hopefully will bear some fruit on the 25th. Hopefully Spring will provide me with some relief.

Yet Another Cha-Cha

On 2/26/24 I saw the new vascular doc, who is in the same practice as the fat-ist one I saw initially. The RN said they recognized me and wondered why I was following up with Dr. C. instead of Dr. G., and I said how he spent my entire appointment trying to bully me into considering diet pills. I remarked, "Look, I know I'm fat. But I am here to get my leg and DVT evaluated, and NOT to get diet advice in the first five minutes." The RN looked at me and said, "Fat? You're not even the biggest person we've seen here." I said, "Thanks for that, but Dr. G., made it seem like I was the fattest fatty that ever fucking fatted."

The appointment with Dr. C. went splendidly and he answered most of my questions, and even remarked how impressed he was with both, my medical acumen, how organized I was for this appointment, and the initiative I've taken with my health. He even went so far as to entice me to view the ultrasound images. At first I balked and said "thanks but no thanks, I think I'm obsessing on enough things." And when he said, "But the images are really beautiful!" I relented. 

The DVT ran from my groin, down the thigh, behind the knee, and ends mid calf. The portion in the mid thigh has resolved significantly, with a little residual up at the top of the groin, and there is still progress to be made in the calf area.

Additionally, he provided me a name of a podiatrist who hopefully will be able to restore some functionality and reduce pain in my feet. And of course, a follow up appointment & a follow up ultrasound has been scheduled for May.

Cha-cha. 1 appointment = 3 more appointments made.

The next day I saw my ENT for an early annual follow up (thinking I might still have some antibody protection from my COVID infection in January). I'm still suffering from the after effects of COVID, a persistent cough, post-nasal drip, and fatigue. She wrote an Rx for Flonase. A follow up thyroid ultrasound has been scheduled, and a 6 month follow up appointment has been set.

Cha-cha. 1 appointment = 2 more appointments made.

Then I got a telephone call from my cardiologist's office letting me know the TTE I had a week ago was normal--so wonderful! No indication of left ventricular hypertrophy! YAY! And yep! One more appointment made!

Cha-cha. 1 phone call = 1 more appointment made. 

At this point, every single Monday and Tuesday between now and Memorial Day has an appointment scheduled. This coming Monday is Quest for blood tests for my follow up appointment with my nephrologist; and Tuesday is FINALLY! the consultation with the hematologist. 

There are so many appointments I need to keep track of I have created an Excel spreadsheet with my appointments sorted by date and time, and I never make any plans without consulting with that spreadsheet.

In related/unrelated news, the last time I had a pedicure was the end of November, as I had my DVT diagnosis December 5th, I haven't had a pedicure in all this time, as I've been concerned and babying my leg. Out of the blue, I received a text from Jimmy, my pedicurist, asking if everything is okay. I was so glad to get the text from him, as I have been intending to schedule an appointment. The one time I managed NOT to consult my spreadsheet, I scheduled the appointment for 3/11/24 at 10:00; and how SERENDIPITOUS! I see the new podiatrist on 3/11/24 at 2:45! So my feet will be presentable for that appointment! 

I love it when a plan comes together!