On the very night my mom died, I was watching a documentary about Darrell Hammond, and there was a line he said which truly resonated with me, something to the effect of how he was expected/demanded to participate in his own abuse (by his mother) by remaining silent. Oh how familiar that statement is.
Yesterday I read another line by someone else in regards to narcissistic parents not allowing us to articulate thoughts or feelings,nor let us have the freedom to have an interior life. And again, my mind was blown.
I knew at a very early age, not to trust my mother. I had been menstruating for two years in secret because I knew she would tell everyone my private business the first chance she got when she found out--AND I WAS CORRECT.
I never allowed myself to write in a diary or a journal--and I would receive plenty of new journals as gifts. I never allowed myself to write in a journal, as I knew I wasn't even entitled to my private thoughts, and I didn't trust that my inner-most thoughts would remain private.
So it's no wonder I struggle in therapeutic settings trying to identify what I am feeling and expand on that. I went nearly a half century of my life suffering in silence, an unwilling participant in the abuse cycle, remaining silent--keeping my thoughts, worries, feelings all to myself because the adults in my life (particularly my mother, my primary care giver) were incapable of listening and absorbing all that, and certainly lacked the ability to provide any guidance on how to handle my emotions in a healthy, constructive way.
For the last two years, my emotions have pretty much run amok. I've been feeling every possible negative feeling all at once and have been in a constant state of being overwhelmed and outraged. And the only thing that has helped even a little bit has been a breathing meditation I've been trying to do on a regular basis. This guided breathing meditation has helped me at least ORGANIZE those emotions--not process them, but at least organize them so that I am not feeling all of them all at once.
To be honest, I doubt I'll ever be able to process them. That would require vulnerability I am unable to muster up. A half century of this bullshit has proven to me that vulnerability only = more pain. And I'd rather feel nothing at all, than feel one more moment of pain.
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