Day 30: Bottoming Out Emotionally

Yesterday Maharajah took me out for an early birthday lunch after our acupuncture appointments. 

It is owned by a famous chef, and is otherwise a nice place, if you’re into name recognition over everything else. It is in a town that isn’t racially diverse, doesn’t have any non-white employees, and doesn’t even have salt and pepper at the table. The latter detail presumes a lot, as everyone’s tastes are different. Whatever, right? 

One problem I will admit to is I get overwhelmed and rather say something i let it slide until I just lose it. What should have been an enjoyable outing gradually spiraled downward into something else entirely. 

Right from moment one when we arrived, my sphincter clenched: valet parking. 

Even before COVID, I loathed valet parking. I don’t like the idea of a stranger in my car, and often times a teenager who is a relatively new driver. Now with COVID, it adds a whole new level of angst. 

I had barely pulled up, and this unmasked snot nose grabbed at my door handle as I growled, “Give me space!” as I reclined the seat all the way back so I could maneuver out of the car.

The spiral consisted collections of stimulants:

Then inside (no masks!), they see me with my cane, and when I asked for most direct route to get to the patio--they walk me down 2 dark flights of stairs with a railing wet with god knows what, rather than have me walk out front door and around building. 

The seat was too low and I hurt myself sitting down. I waited for 4 weeks for my incision to heal up, and while I sat on this uncomfortable seat I worried I ripped my incision open. I sat in silence and discomfort rather than ruin M’s lunch. 

Lady at the adjacent table was ranting about politics, as someone else’s dog trapped in a car howled—we are in the middle of August! All I could think of was the dog’s suffering. 

The menu is limited, and they try to make everything too extra/fancy,  and there is no guarantee I will enjoy my meal--which of course was the case bland bland bland. 

I ordered a squash and chorizo pizza which looked pretty enough; yet it was really lacking in taste. The bits that had chorizo were great; however on a 12 inch pizza, there were about 10 slices of chorizo which had the diameter of a dime. 

We waited too long to get check, my hip throbbing at this point, so i got up to go get the car while he settled the bill, and in doing so i missed the nice birthday gesture. 

Maharajah tries to make my bday special, it isn't like any of my kin (other than my distant cousin David) has anything to do with me.

I just wish i knew how to shake it off--catch myself before I start to spiral and just shake it off. I was sour since I came home, and even a nice long nap with an ice pack on my ass wasn’t enough to snap me out of it. 

Sadly, for the first time in a month, I woke up disappointed I didn’t die in my sleep, and I was in tears by 10 a.m.