Trying to Make Some Sense of This

Let's face it, I journal on this blog pretty much for my own record keeping, and perhaps to share my experiences with friends who might have some of the same or similar issues etc. 

So, pretty much, if you're here, you're considered a friend; and if you're here, it's because I pointed you in the direction of this blog. I invited you here.

So this blog is pretty personal--even if I am using a nom de plume. 

I want to make the analogy of it being a virtual cocktail party where I've invited you; however, in reality, I have unlocked my diary, and allowed you to read my inner-most thoughts.

I feel oddly in a position to explain the title of the blog, which comes full circle back to me explaining myself. Which, is--in a word, off-putting. 

I'm not going to change the name of my blog to suit a particular audience, by the way. Why? Because it would negate my experiences. My experiences of being judged or seen as invisible because I am fat or now in my 50s, or because I have valid complaints and known issues (of which I'm seeking out solutions). Additionally, as a child of a mother with borderline personality disorder, I've gone my entire life simply not being heard. Me, my thoughts, my needs, etc, have never been deemed as having value.

I could expand on this, but why should I when someone (who obviously), without reading the content of my blog posts, decides to critique the name and tone of my blog title?

Little did this person realize that they are participating in the very thing which I have fought my entire life against. It is about as ridiculous as me screaming "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater, and having someone critique the T-shirt I'm wearing that says "I'm with stupid." 

This is where I remind myself that not everyone who is "friendly" is an actual friend. Sure--some are friendly acquaintances--if that--but most are passers-by. And if you've read far enough into my blog and its archives, I have a flow chart of sorts in my head--and beneath each person's name are two potential options: 1. Twinkie? 2. Dairy product? 

All I know is a friend wouldn't (or shouldn't) start with criticisms, when someone has trusted you enough to share their inner-most personal thoughts and struggles.

I doubt the critic will revisit my blog, knowing what a negative vibe they got just from the title--and that's okay; however, if they do revisit, and they decide to read this post, they are cordially invited to think critically for a hot second and realize that not every opinion needs to be elucidated. This, I think, is a by-product of social media, that sense of narcissism of "Omg! I need to express all of my opinions, all the time, even on the FB walls, Twitter feeds, or blog posts of everyone I know!" 

Yes yes, your grandmother was right: "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." I'll expand on that further with a chestnut I crafted myself, "If you have nothing loving or supportive to say--I'll gladly accept your silence."

This is my blog, my prerogative; just like I have censored myself countless times elsewhere on the internet because, quite frankly, I know my thoughts and opinions aren't welcome 100% of the time with 100% of audiences. But see? Right there? It's called awareness.

Here endeth the sermon.

Splitting Hairs: Part Deux

Which is worse? 

When you articulate how depressed you are, someone who says they are your friend does this:

1. Tells you to "just get over it"; or
2. Ghosts you/says nothing at all.

Just curious.

Physician Fatigue, Part 5

As I'm still waiting to find out if 3/29 will be a good date for another radiologist entirely--I've decided to CUT AND RUN. This is to say, that if I am not going to see Dr. Doshi, the doctor my endocrinologist recommends, then I'd just assume find another doctor entirely and try my luck that his office/department, at another hospital system entirely, is run with a bit more give-a-fuck. 

I'd say five to six years of this nonsense is long enough. I've been a good-enough sport about all of this, but I honestly don't have time for this level of ineptitude.

Physician Fatigue, Part 4: More Insanity: Radiology Associates Klingenstein Pavillion

I don't care anymore. I'm naming names. I don't know or care if anyone reads my blog at this point, but hopefully this will POP up in a Google search if someone decides to search any of the players involved. Or perhaps some administrator at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC might actually care about this.

For approximately 5-6 years now, I have been going to Mt. Sinai Hospital's Radiology Associates at the Klingenstein Pavillion, for both, sonograms and biopsies of thyroid nodules.

While I have no complaints about Dr. Amish Doshi (who was highly recommended to me by my endocrinologist), the radiologist in question, I *DO* have a serious problem with everything about the administrative aspects of just MERELY getting in to see Dr. Doshi.

The MERE act of scheduling an appointment date/time has now reached epic proportions of stress. Perhaps I should get out a slide rule, consult an astrological chart, and perhaps offer up a blood sacrifice--perhaps that might make the experience easier.

I have been trying since 2/14/17 to schedule my appointment. For one full month, I have been playing telephone tag with Janice (I don't know what her last name is, all I do know is she signs off her outgoing messages with "God Bless," well, let's just say, I don't feel all that "blessed").

The first week of calls went something like this:

1. I call and leave a message. I clearly state who I am, and that I am calling to schedule an appt. I VERY CLEARLY state to call me back at my work phone AFTER 2 p.m. Note: I stated AFTER 2 p.m., because with MY luck, she will call back DURING MY LUNCH, thereby continuing this telephone version of "water torture."

2. She then calls MY ENDOCRINOLOGIST stating she could not call me back WHEN I wanted, and informs THE SECRETARY AT MY ENDOCRINOLOGIST'S OFFICE that I should call her back with two potential dates for my appointment.

3. Like a trained monkey, and in an act of utter futility, I call, and AGAIN, I get her voicemail, and AGAIN, I very clearly state who I am, what dates I am available for the appointment, and VERY CLEARLY state she should call me at MY OFFICE PHONE.

4. Like an idiot, she calls me at my HOME PHONE, and now has elevated this game of telephone tag to SISYPHUSIAN-INNER-RING-OF-HELL-ITSELF-FUTILITY, by informing me that Dr. Doshi was away, and she won't know until he returns whether those dates will work.

5. So I sit and seethe for two more weeks until March 8th, when I call and leave a voicemail following up YET AGAIN. No reply was received.

6. Which brings us to this week, and granted there was a blizzard on Tuesday 3/14. 

7. I called again on 3/15. Her outgoing voicemail stated she was out.

8. I called again on 3/16. Her outgoing voicemail stated she was out and at the tail end of the message she stated someone else's name to direct my call. I called that person, and left a voicemail. And got no reply.

9. I called again, TODAY, 3/17, and Janice is in. Apparently, she left a voicemail TODAY ON MY HOUSE PHONE stating Dr. Doshi was available on 3/22--well now 3/22 is no longer good for me, as another co-worker will be out that day for medical stuff, and I need 3/29.  (My head is just about to explode at this point). I then say, "Okay, when in April is Dr. Doshi available?" And this was met with, "You need to call me back regarding this as I don't know what his schedule will be like in April." I got loud and I got firm and stated the ridiculousness of it taking a FULL MONTH to merely try to get an appointment FOR A SONO AND BIOPSY and this unnecessary stress is doing NOTHING BUT STRESSING ME OUT MORE. I was put on hold YET AGAIN (and at this point, I am really just sick on a Pavlovian response level of sickness when I hear the piano hold music). 

Just when I was about to hang up in frustration and reconsider the idea of the ultrasound and sonogram ENTIRELY, she finally got on the phone. I got loud and somewhat (for me) belligerent. And finally at that point she made the suggestion that I might see Dr. Aggarwal. At this point, I was like "At this point I will see anyone--can we just schedule this so I can get this shit done?" And all this said, this is not even a given! I gave 3/29 as the date, and I want the first appointment of the day--she still needs to call me back to confirm. And no doubt Janice, in keeping with her track record, WILL call me back at ANY OTHER NUMBER OTHER THAN THE ONE REQUIRED.

Then there are other systemic administrative failures--

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I go in to see Dr. Doshi, there is anywhere's from 1-2 hours of my time pretty much ROBBED from me. Yes. I am being MUGGED and what is stolen is the most vital, most precious commodity: TIME. Time I will never get back.

Now mind you, going in for an ultrasound with the very real possibility of a BIOPSY is a stressful thing.   A one-to-two hour wait on top of this, only exacerbates the anxiety and stress.  

Last year's appointment had been scheduled, then rescheduled at least twice that I could recall. Rescheduled so many times, that I did not remember to change the time in the calendar on my phone. So imagine my surprise, showing up at 10 a.m. for an appointment, and sit there for over an hour, and realizing every one else who came in AFTER me had been tended to--and when I asked the receptionist when would I be seeing the doctor, she informed me my appointment was at NOON. At this point I blurted out, "At what point were you going to inform me that I showed up TWO WHOLE HOURS EARLY for my appointment?" She suggested I go off some place to get coffee or food, but that is not the point, in order for me to go for lunch, I'd have to walk to find a place, which then takes time, then WOLF DOWN MY MEAL, which takes more time, and then there's the matter of the time it takes to WALK BACK. 

I don't recall if it was during this particular visit or the year before where I actually lost my shit to the point where I insisted on speaking with a hospital administrator regarding this.  

Additionally "telling" about how poorly run this particular department at Mt. Sinai is run--there is never, ever a survey sent to me. Mt. Sinai Doctor's Practice sends out a survey. Every other office and department I have been to (nephrology, gynecology, cardiology, hematology) runs efficiently and timely like a Swiss watch. Radiology is the only department where I have endured piss poor customer service from the administrative staff. 

So here it is, nearly an hour after I've had my most-recent interaction with Janice, and my head is pounding and I've got a raging case of oggida, and no recourse or resolution, so unless I find some place else to get my sonogram and FNA done, I have this to look forward to for the time being. And it just sucks (to put it mildly). 

Physician Fatigue, Part 3

Last week, I contacted my (regular) neurologist to forward my records to the neuro-ophthamologist I am scheduled to see in June; and today I will type up a letter to my (soon-to-be-former) neuro-ophthamologist to forward his records, too, thereby consolidating two doctors into one specialist-- who can tend to my optic nerve drusen as well as my migraines (though, TBH, my migraines have abated CONSIDERABLY in the last year).

The hospital system where the majority of my doctors & specialists are is fantastic and has ruined me for medical care in "The 'Burbs." Everything about my experience there is top notch--save for the way the radiology department is run. 

The radiologist is fine, that's not the problem. And he's highly recommended by my endo--and that's why I'm going to this guy. However, the person with whom I must coordinate my appointments OUTRIGHT is inept, and the receptionist in the waiting area just is lacking in every way imaginable--and between the two of these fools, I wait anywhere from 1-2 hours EVERY YEAR when I go for this sonogram/FNA.  

Thursday of last week, I called to arrange the sonogram and FNA. I left a voicemail at 12:30 that clearly stated, "please call me at (work #, provided) AFTER 2 p.m."  This idiot calls my endocrinologist's office back saying she couldn't call me when I wanted--she couldn't call me AT 2 p.m. WTF! 

So I called AGAIN, stating "Please call me at (work #, provided) as I want to schedule my sono and FNA for either 3/22 or 3/29."  The idiot calls my HOUSE PHONE and leaves a voicemail so incongruous I couldn't figure out wtf was going on. Clearly, this person cannot follow simple directions--and I don't care that she appends her outgoing voicemail message with "God Bless," the woman is inept.

So, Monday, I called YET AGAIN, and lo-and-behold, I got her on the phone. She informed me the doctor won't be back in the office until 3/8, and she won't know until that day, WHEN I'll be able to get my appointment with him. So I have set a reminder to call this shit-show of an administrative assistant ONE MORE TIME. It's like the idiot version of being water-boarded, where I'm drowning in the ineptitude of others.

AS IF I weren't already fatigued running hither-and-yon from one specialist to another, I have yet one more interaction with this idiot with which to look forward.

Additionally, It has gotten to the point where I cannot schedule another appointment afterwards, as I have no real guarantee I will be out of there on time to make a second appointment.  I'm now to the point where I am insisting on getting the first appointment of the day--which could be a huge ass-pain to me, as I live 45 minutes north, and if the first appointment of the day is 8 a.m. (let's indulge in a pipe dream, shall we?), and would require me moving heaven and earth to get there at that time.  But if need be, I will. Because waiting 1-2 hours is unacceptable. The entire experience sucks, and curiously enough, THIS PARTICULAR DEPARTMENT is the only department at this hospital which does not send out a survey after my appointment. So I don't even have the prospect of a survey to let off steam and tell people off--I feel very short-changed!

And if this weren't ENOUGH, last week I dropped a FULL bottle of Snapple on my foot, and thought I broke a bone as the last two toes on that foot have been somewhat numb. Today I went to the podiatrist (instead of languishing for HOURS or even a half a day at the ER), and he Xray'd my foot and luckily, no broken bones--but I could have done something else, perhaps more productive, with my lunch hour. Luckily, his office is walking distance from my job.

Pain Chronicles: Kiss-Off Letter to Shitty Pain Doc

Where we left off here was Pain Doc #2, aka Shitty Pain Doc, had me go in for an MRI on 9/6, my chiropractor was in possession of the report of the MRI on 9/8, and Shitty Pain Doc had finally dislodged the thumb from her ass on or about 9/23 when she left the first of many voicemails.

She called me once on 9/23, then moving forward for the following week, she called me TWICE A DAY, EVERY DAY, until 9/30 when she left a voicemail indicating since she's having problems communicating with me via phone, she was going to send me a letter.

Ominously, she sent it certified mail, conveying to me she was tracking this, and was making sure on her end I finally got my report--ONE FULL MONTH AFTER THE MRI WAS DONE.  The letter (such as it was) was nothing more then a copy of my MRI report (which I already had thanks to my chiropractor) as well as her "interpretations" of it which essentially was her copying and pasting the radiologist's comments. This letter was lacking the CHIEF ITEM I WAS SEEKING: The Rx for the MRI of my RIGHT hip.  

I had written the following letter and was planning on sending it to her sight-unseen. I was not planning on going to the Post Office to sign for and take receipt of her letter. I wanted it returned to her, unopened. But part of me was curious if in the end she'd do the right thing by me and send the MRI of the right hip.

But no. I really wish I went with my gut instinct to blow off getting the letter as it was entirely useless to me.

So, I picked up my letter on the morning of October 6th, opened it up (and summarily said a few FUCK YOUS to the letter), and promptly dropped a letter of my own into the mail.  (To date, 11/2/16, my letter has gone unacknowledged on her end. Not that I anticipated a response, but it was so compelling/damning, anyone who actually GAVE A SHIT about their patients WOULD acknowledge it--no?).

For your reading enjoyment, here is the letter, in entirety, with only the personal info redacted out:

Dr. P.,

In combination with the on-going scheduling problems I have experienced, where most of my recent appointments have had to be rescheduled, then to wait excessively before entering the exam room, and wait even longer to get my issues addressed,  I feel it is germane to share my snapshot of the last six weeks:  

·         8/19 Appointment ; Judy called to reschedule.  (Note: This was a day off, and I had other appointments that day and built my day around YOUR schedule.)

·         8/24 Date of Rescheduled appointment: TWENTY MINUTES prior to my appointment time, Judy called to reschedule YET AGAIN. Neither an apology nor reason were provided.

·         8/25 I arrived  five minutes early (because I value YOUR time) to then be made to wait FORTY-ONE minutes above and beyond my scheduled appointment time, which then put me back in my office by 5 p.m.

Due to all THOSE delays, plus the fact I was going on vacation over Labor Day weekend, the earliest I could get my MRI (of LEFT HIP) scheduled was eleven days later on  9/6.

·         8/29 (WHILE ON VACATION) I called your office (IN ACTIVE PAIN) regarding an Rx for an MRI of the right hip. I was informed to call back on 9/7.

·         9/6 I had the MRI and had presence of mind to CC my chiropractor.

·         9/7 I called your office AGAIN, re: the request of an MRI of RIGHT HIP.

·         9/8 I saw my chiropractor, who provided me a copy of the MRI report.

·         9/23 I get a nebulous/vague voicemail from you, “Sorry I missed your call.” (This then begs the question: Which call were you returning? 8/29? 9/7? Why did it take 2-3 weeks to return my call?)

·         9/26 – 9/29 Two voicemails a day, every day from you, yet no mention of the MRI of the right hip which I requested.

·         9/30 Final voicemail indicating you would be communicating via mail.

·         10/5 Received your letter, which did not contain an Rx for the MRI of right hip.

As of today’s date, October 6^th, it is now six weeks since my appointment with you, and I am no closer to getting my pain issues resolved. Additionally, I feel confident that even if I were to have taken any of your calls, it would only serve to provide me more delays in getting the necessary imaging done to finally address the pain in my right hip.

Time is an important, valuable commodity for all of us, and despite the courtesy I have shown you as a professional, by showing up to my appointments on time (if not early), that same measure of courtesy has not been reciprocated.  Additionally, I require a certain level of responsiveness, which also has been inconsistent. As a result,  I will be changing physicians. I would like to thank you for your efforts on my behalf and wish you well in your practice.

ETA: Dr. P. never reached out to me after receiving my letter. Characteristic of how she operated. Sadly.

Follow-Ups & Fuming

For starters, this was the result of my ACTH stimulation test in August:

$475 for the doctor's office visit PLUS $400 for the ACTH stimulation test later...The only conclusion we came to was "White Coat Syndrome." Given everything else going on with my body and my hormones, we wanted to see what else was going on chemically--I'm still angry about the 2OGTT in January--we SHOULD have tested for so much more. And there's no way that I will allow any doctor to run another glucose tolerance test on me. I still feel my endocrinologist should have known better, after all, HE IS THE EXPERT, RIGHT?

So as far as all things endocrine--I am coasting on through until October, when I get my blood work done again, with my next appointment being November. 

Next item on the list is PAIN. Yep. Still in the trenches, fighting this fight. And it's not the usual, baseline bullshit pain of my various herniations, adenomyosis, spondylolisthiasis I, etc, either. 

Starting LAST AUGUST, that is to say, AUGUST 2015, I was experiencing rotator cuff pain and epicondylitis on the right side. The issue was so hot and angry, I had no idea I had pain on my left side. And only once the pain in the right elbow and shoulder started to resolve, did I realize OMG PAIN ON LEFT SIDE.    And after the physiatrist I had at that time in 2015 left me hanging over a long, painful Labor Day weekend, without any real resolution to my pain (and after BCBS declined the pain patch he prescribed), I had to find another physiatrist QUICK. And I did. Maharajah consulted "The Best of Westchester," and suggested I seek out this doctor for a consultation. And she was good, for a short while, and it all depends on one's definition of "GOOD."

This is all to say, she's "good" if/when I finally DO get my whopping ten minutes face-to-face with her. However, it has become ARDUOUS to get those whopping ten minutes with her.  Arduous, because nearly every single appointment I have scheduled with her has been met with a phone call the day after scheduling, with the office needing to RESCHEDULE. EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT. 

Let me reiterate that in a font size more appropriate:  

THAT OFFICE RESCHEDULES EVERY. SINGLE. APPOINTMENT. 

EVERY. SINGLE. ONE!!!!

Every single delay, by extension, delays any resolution to my pain.
Every single delay, by extension increases my pain--adding to my pain by way of ADDITIONAL AND UNNECESSARY STRESS.

August 19th, I scheduled three appointments that day. Usually if I burn a sick day, I try to jam as many appointments as I can in that day to maximize the time off. The appointment I scheduled with her office was in the dead center of my day. The entire day was built AROUND THIS APPOINTMENT.

And the inevitable happened: They called to reschedule. "We need to move the appointment to 8/24." 

And on 8/24, a scant TWENTY MINUTES before my rescheduled appointment, they called me to RESCHEDULE the RESCHEDULED appointment. I was huffy, I feel justifiably so, and clarified, "So let me get this straight, you are rescheduling an appointment which was already rescheduled?"  Unflinchingly, the secretary rescheduled me for 8/26. 

It was at this point I realized this is not a one-off type of thing, this constant need to reschedule on their part. This is a sign of one of two things, or possibly a combination of: Piss poor management on behalf of the secretary; and or the doctor having a God complex where the time and needs of her patients are secondary to her own schedule. It was at this point, I realized I need to find a new physiatrist.

So, in pain, I walk the 1500 footsteps (yes, I Helen Keller'd the shit out of my footsteps!) to get to the office with five minutes to spare. Zero courtesy given. No call ahead of time to say the doctor was running a bit behind and perhaps I should plan to arrive 30 minutes later. No courtesy. And I was made to wait an additional FORTY-ONE MINUTES BEYOND my scheduled appointment time.

I got my ten minutes. She did her exam, and I'm convinced in the process of doing the exam where she insisted I try to lift my leg, that I tore something. I got my MRI for my left hip and my Rx for more PT, and I was on my way.

Only problem now was, by the time I got back to my office, it was now after 5 p.m., and too late to schedule that MRI. And given I was going to be traveling, the earliest I could get that MRI scheduled was ELEVEN DAYS LATER, the day after Labor Day (9/6).

It also should be noted, while I was away, I called the doctor's office to see if she could fax over an Rx for an MRI of my right hip and left elbow, so I could arrange the MRI appointments, and I was informed by the secretary the doctor is away, and I should call back on 9/7. Which I did, and nothing happened. No call, no nothing.

Fortunately, I had the forethought to CC my chiropractor on the MRI. I saw my chiro on 9/8, at which time, he gave me my MRI report (tight crop here):

However, the doctor who wrote the Rx for the MRI has been MIA. No call, no nothing. No give a shit or courtesy dispensed. 

It was at this point, in possession of my MRI report on 9/8, that I found a new doctor, granted she's not in town, so it's inconvenient for me to get to this office, but it's within a 30 minute ride of my home or office. It's DO-ABLE.  Appointment scheduled, and thanks to me typing about this NOW, I realize, I need to download the new patient forms and get those filled out in anticipation of my initial consultation on 10/13. And yes, 10/13 is still roughly two weeks MORE I have to wait it out and power through; however, it's the definition of insanity to continue to do the same thing and expect a different outcome--In this case, I won't give this doctor one more moment to rob me of any MORE time. I've given her ample opportunity to care for me--and it's obvious, she doesn't care---regardless of how charming she is.

My point here is, if my chiropractor was in possession of the MRI report on 9/8, so too, was my physiatrist.  So when does the physiatrist FINALLY get around to giving a call? LAST FRIDAY, 9/23--SEVENTEEN DAYS AFTER the report has been sitting on her desk.  She leaves these vague messages, too: "Sorry I keep missing your calls." So obviously, the twat of a secretary never let her know WHY I was calling. No comment made about future MRI, no commentary on the report. NOTHING OF VALUE IS LEFT IN THOSE VOICEMAILS. I neither have the time, energy, nor give-a-fuck to keep playing this game with her.

When her call came through on my cell phone at 9:20 on 9/23, I disregarded the call, and it was dumped immediately in voicemail. I deleted her voicemail without listening. I then removed all her calls from my recents, and then I blocked her from calling me on my cell. She has now attained Fredo Corleone status in my eyes.

So now she's been calling me on my desk phone at work.   And when I say the doctor has been calling--this week she has been calling me TWICE A DAY EVERY DAY, leaving the same stupid vague message. 

At current writing, we are now THIRTY-THREE DAYS after that rescheduled RESCHEDULED appointment, and I am no closer to getting my needs and pain addressed. And I know I am filled and fueled with spite and rage, and can power through until 10/13, knowing full well, I cannot roll over on my right side. This is fucking up my already fucked up sleeping habits.  But whatever, it's another one of my "imagined" issues (said for the benefit of sociopaths everywhere who think I'm a hypochondriac). 

I better click PUBLISH and get this out into the internet before the doctor starts cycling through calling me again.

Protip: If You Work At a Diagnostic Center or Doctor's Office, Take Heed

You might be a moron if:

I schedule both, an abdominal AND a transvaginal ultrasound, and you only manage to schedule the abdominal, which results in me having to get up an hour earlier and make yet another "enjoyable" visit to your facility. Granted the first time I rushed into the facility only to realize I forgot my Rx at home, and you were totally unwilling to assist me (by way of having my husband scan it--yes he was home--and email it to you--and I could have either brought the actual hard copy Rx in later that day OR you could have called my doctor's office and get them to fax the Rx), thus creating a scenario where I have to return to your facility for the abdominal, to realize you ONLY scheduled the abdominal and not both.  So. Okay. The first one? That's on me. I forgot my Rx, but what the fuck? Due to your ineptitude, I now have to fuck up THREE mornings instead of just two. Yes, Hartsdale Imaging, I'm calling you out.

You might be a moron if:
My doctor faxes a Rx for an MRI of a cervical spine, to happen the very evening when I return from vacation out of state--only to rush home to messages, first calling to confirm the appointment, then calling an hour later to reschedule the appointment because the machine is offline.  And of course the appointment is two hours AFTER my scheduled appointment with my physiatrist, of whom I NEEDED THE IMAGES for a proper diagnosis.  So, I arrive at the imaging center the next day, on time, to be asked for my Rx, when my doctor faxed it in FOUR DAYS PRIOR.  Then you call my doc, he tells you to do the MRI and he’ll fax it the next business day (he already faxed it, yet, inexplicably you couldn’t find it). The MRI was supposed to be of cervical spine, yet the CD of the images says “shoulder.” (Images did turn out to be of the cervical spine--so that disaster averted--however, HELLO, how about properly labeling the CD?)  The best of the best? I go to my doctor's office last night, in hopes of relief and hoping to find out what's been causing me severe, acute pain for three weeks--only to find out that you never forwarded the radiology report to my doctor. Yes, Upright Imaging, Yonkers, I'm calling you out. 

You might be a moron if:

At yet another facility entirely (name withheld, as the appointment is still pending, and I bet dollars to doughnuts it will be rescheduled YET AGAIN), my fine needle biopsy was scheduled for 9/25, only to be rescheduled to 9/23 (since they only do FNA on Weds). And 24 hours later, it was rescheduled to 9/30. Oh it also doesn't help matters that your phone demeanor (such as it is), is lacking.

Three separate diagnostic centers or medical offices, three separate fuck ups, with three separate issues still of undetermined  diagnoses due to you just not giving a fuck. Who has time for this shit?

Hysteria

Yeah. It's not really funny.

What's Stunning

...Is the lack of support.

There's a hierarchy of sympathy and it goes thusly:

If your parent dies, most folks can either empathize or relate to that loss, and sympathize accordingly.
Same thing goes for your spouse, or sibling.
Even more so if you have a kid.
And when your baby dies, some folks are a bit weird, but still forthcoming with sympathy.
Less so if you miscarry. Enter the realm of awkwardness.
And well, for the rest of us who have to suffer the loss of the possibility, the loss of our fertility... well fuck us. We have to suffer in silence.

At work I've taken the tack of no longer giving out my smiles for free. Hey after all, it doesn't get me anywhere, and really the folks I'd be dispensing smiles to haven't done jack shit for me in 11 years of working there*. I even went so far as to say to someone recently when they remarked the lack of smiles, "Hey, why should I smile? What have YOU done for ME lately?"

And really, I've reached that point where I'm separating the chaff from the wheat and really realizing who my friends are. And no, my friends aren't the ones with whom I've spent countless hours helping thru whatever their drama du jour is. My friends are the ones who SEE AND KNOW what's going on with me and they reach out to me, privately to let me know I'm loved and they wish they could help.  Even outright strangers on the net, folks I've befriended and never met or only met once... those are the ones who have reached out. (And of course friends I've had for 30+ years). 

I cannot help but look at my friends list on FB and see 250+ people and it's appalling, the paucity of support. Been thinking about deactivating my account, maybe temporarily, maybe permanently, in response to it. But FB does serve a purpose while I'm at work and it passes the time. But it is also a reminder of who responds to what type of posts I post. WTF and crazy shit? Yeah. Folks come out of the woodwork. I'm destashing shit or posting a picture? Yeah, same folks come out of the woodwork with their hand out for my stuff or a recipe. But to be PRESENT? And compassionate?  Fuck that. 

I'm flailing. I know. And I'm angry and depressed and disappointed in a good lot of things this summer.

I just wish I'd die, to be honest.

*ETA 2/12/19 Nearing 17 years of being here and not a god damned thing has changed in this office, and in some respects, things have degraded FURTHER.