Topamax Chronicles: It's Deja Vu All Over Again

Neurologist is perhaps more vexxed than I when it comes to the topic of my pain. I've come to accept it, with a somewhat silent resignation that it will be an omnipresent... presence in my life.

He opened our discussion with revisiting the idea of Lyrica or Neurontin, both I nixed for their obvious side effects. For me, it's always been a matter of quality of life. That the quality of my life with the pain is better than the quality of my life on these pain meds, which end up having some pretty potent, unpleasant side effects.

I'm still suffering the effects of the last failed experiment of me trying out Cymbalta, which I went on with such hope of helping my pain and my anxiety/depression, only for me to be even worse off than before, and with a 7-10 lb weight gain, which I haven't managed to shed.  (As if I weren't depressed enough, to begin with, right?)

So he circled back and said, "What about trying Topamax again?" Initially I bristled at the idea because, HELLO, I do not have a convulsive disorder and this is a medicine specifically for that! And I have tried it in the past, and had problems when the dose was titrated up, but remembered initially, the lower dose kept me blunted and I didn't give a shit, and I couldn't recall if it helped my migraines all that much.  Though, looking around on PubMed, there is plenty of information in support of it for use for chronic low back pain which is another "star" in the constellation of pain issues I have--namely the spondylolisthesis I, and herniations and arthritis. 

And well? I am also not-so-secretly hoping it helps with the pesky weight issue. I really want to continue making progress. I've been stalled for years. I want to continue moving forward.

So. Resigned with the paucity of choices for me, and placing full trust in my neurologist, I agreed to give Topamax a try one more time. A month should be a good enough time to see if there's merit. But then what? Do I stay on this for the rest of my life? I'm less than enthused at this idea.

Yesterday I saw my neuro-opthamologist for the optic nerve druzen. I get this monitored every couple of years, and he seemed concerned about my being on Topamax (of course! who WOULDN'T be upset about the idea?) and suggested I look into riboflavin (and another herbal supplement, which I cannot recall--perhaps feverfew?). So I am considering adding 400 mg of riboflavin to my daily intake. Not sure if I will shift other things around. My 3mg of boron is poised to be 86'd if need be. I am not 100% certain there is 100% merit in keeping it in the line up, though my reasons for having added it to the line up were (and continue to be) sound.

To date, I am about eight days deep into the Topamax, thereabouts. I take it in the evening, so the bulk of the mind scrambling wonderment happens after dinner. And I nod off. And pretty much by the time I wake up in the a.m. and get ready for work, I am in a cloud, but functional. Barely. And if I didn't have my husband around to get me out of bed, I honestly don't know how I'd be able to get going every day.

A Week Before Specialist Visit--Doesn't Bode Well

That whole line of bullshit I was fed about topamax helping me to dump off a shitload of weight was just that... bullshit.

I hopped on my scale yesterday and didn't see a marked decrease in my gravitational pull.

All the sluggishness and fatigue I've felt, both mentally and physically have been for nothing...

However, I must admit I haven't had a debilitating migraine in months.

PS: Aunt Flow is coming due for a visit. Splendid! Better get compliant with my lexapro before the emotions get out of whack!

It's 11:15 -- Do You Know Where Your Synapses Are?

Week Three of Deep Fried Insanity (or as I've been wont to describe the sensation of having my brain replaced with a 50/50 mix of helium and dog shit).

Today I titrate up, again. This time, the "one more pill" is done during daylight hours. Actually popped it right before starting this blog post. I go to the neuro this week for my three week follow up to see how well I'm tolerating the medication.

In the last week or so I have:

• Sung a line from Ashford & Simpson's "Solid As A Rock";
• Hummed "The Chicken Dance Song" whilst heating up some chicken noodle soup;
• Did the "Cabbage Patch" (albeit poorly);
• Channeled the ghost of Edith Bunker and shriek-sang the word, "Shish-keee-bah-beeee" repeatedly;
• Sang what I refer to as the "Papaya" song;
  
• Sang "Mr. Bifurcated Penis... More than meets the eye," as if it were a new super hero;
• Before getting into the car this morning, I LITERALLY screamed out the words "DEEP FRIED INSANITY!!!!!," and the Maharajah in true blue fashion, did not raise an eyebrow, nor did he admonish me, let alone react in any way whatsoever, as if it were the most normal thing;
  
• And lastly, today I sang the words "Blue Blocker," only to realize I did it to the same jingle/lilt as the "Hot Pockets" jingle.

Is this a glimpse into insanity or old age? Will I be one of those crazy old people uttering totally incongruent, yet wholly EFFed up and entertainingly inappropriate things?

Week 2: Two 25 mg pills last night

Outlook: Fatigued, slightly hung-over, yet not incredibly so.

$4575.00

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Week One Status: Optomistic

Hit a plateau yesterday, where the fog lifted and I felt normalish.

Today, I encountered an issue with short term memory problems (I couldn't recall the names of the two movies I saw this weekend).

On schedule, I'll be doubling dose tonight.

WITH trepidation.

Day Three

All I want to do is sleep.

No erratic behavior.

No out of ordinary change in appetite (to my knowledge).

Mild case of dry mouth.

Day 1: Roughly 10 Hours In

Took my first 25 mg dose this a.m. at 2, before I went to bed. About a half hour after taking, I noticed, in the mirror, my pupils doing a weird dilation thing.

Sleep Observations:

Slept soundly. Woke up fitfully. As usual. No out of the ordinary complaints from the husband about my snoring.

Dietary observations:

I cannot tolerate drinking my beloved low sugar cran-grape juice drink. It was totally foul. Putrid even.

However, my life's blood, COFFEE, remains pleasantly neutral on my tongue. No adverse taste problems.

Same thing goes for peanut butter.

Mental State:

Neutral. Pensive, yet not necessarily in an anxious way. Slight problem with typographical errors, but I'm at least aware of it. No difficulties recalling personal or workplace passwords.

Midday Analysis:

Optomistic. So-far-so-good.

Prelude: "Dope"amax

Tonight will be the first dose.

I'm approaching this experiment with great trepidation.