Hard not to get emotional about it, when I"m experiencing moderate to intense, active pain. Hard not to get emotional about it, when my own actions having the ablation and to be responsible, having the tubal ligation after, have pretty much sealed my fate.
Hard to think I went my whole life thinking motherhood would find me, only to realize that bitch was never out looking for me.
Hard to think that the life I thought I'd live isn't what I"m living.
Hard to deal with all of this knowing my dad's not here to hold my hand and if need be, cry right along with me. The loss of him signifies the loss of my past. And the loss of the possibility of having a child of my own, signifies the loss of my future. This all leaves me no recourse but to live in the moment. But what is left for me in the time I have left before I pass? A few more inane spats with my husband? A few more good meals? A few more vacations? A few more laughs or tears? Surely that's not IT, is it?
Mood: Melancholy and bleak.
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