That's pretty much what I wanted to blurt out in text to/with my sister, when in the text I sent about how I wouldn't be there for Easter but would be at Mother's Day, "depending on pain and weather." Which, if she paid any attention to me over the years would comprehend.
Instead, I get a text back, "What pain?" which I think I regaled in a previous blog post. I wasn't going to engage or poke the obtuse-ity, but decided I would, just to see what level of stupidity comes next.
So, I text back, "adenomyosis, herniation, deviated disc, damaged ACL in both knees, heel spurs, arthritis all throughout, and carpal tunnel."
Stupidity I received in return, "What herniation?"
My reply, "Uh, from the bad accident I was in, in 1999? Rear ended? By an 18 wheeler? Ring a bell?"
So far no reply.
Not that I need to justify my actions, however, between the low back pain which does NOT improve sitting stationary for 2.5 hours in traffic to get there (and back) the carpal tunnel poses just as big if not a bigger obstacle, as it's pretty damned difficult to steer a car if your hand is in spasm from carpal tunnel.
This is almost as tedious as trying to dispel her "myth" and presumption that I never wanted to have kids (vis-a-vis discussions about fertility and my adenomyosis & PCOS).
Have we met? Srsly. I wish there truly were a block user function for folks in real life.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
So Yeah...
A few weeks ago, after being pressed to tell my sister about my adenomyosis, given the direct hit, such as it were, "So what's the big secret?" And when I told her what was going on, then decided to share she, was contemplating going in for ablation. One would assume that would have been sufficient to shut her up, given she's trying to compare notes, journeys or what... I give up.
She knew I was going in on 3/13 to get my fibroid (or polyp?) removed surgically. Yet haven't heard from her, not a peep, not a call or text to see how it went or how I'm feeling. Not that she needs to, but yanno, that's what I'd do if I *CARED*. So just like my gastric bypass which she had volunteered to come up and help me with the post op, which came and went without so much as a call to see how the surgery went or if I needed her help, the fibroid removal came and went without a call of concern or whatevs.
Yet, as I mentioned in a previous post, she did manage to call and leave a voicemail about Easter. I wait a few days to text back, "Can't make it for Easter. Depending on weather and pain, I might come down for Mother's Day." Reply got back, "Why are you in pain?"
Srsly?
I don't even want to engage anymore. It's just too fucking tedious.
What pain?:
Herniation in my neck
Diminished disc space in low spine
Congenital twist in hip
Damaged ACL in both knees
Heel spurs
Arthritis all throughout
Carpal tunnel (really a big problem gripping a steering wheel for 2.5 hours each way)
OH AND THE SEARING LOW BACK PAIN FROM THE ADENOMYOSIS YOU WERE TRYING TO HAVE A BONDING MOMENT OVER? That right there is what I want to scream at her. But it's not worth it. Things are stressful and tenuous enough as it is. Makes me very stabby thinking about it.
She knew I was going in on 3/13 to get my fibroid (or polyp?) removed surgically. Yet haven't heard from her, not a peep, not a call or text to see how it went or how I'm feeling. Not that she needs to, but yanno, that's what I'd do if I *CARED*. So just like my gastric bypass which she had volunteered to come up and help me with the post op, which came and went without so much as a call to see how the surgery went or if I needed her help, the fibroid removal came and went without a call of concern or whatevs.
Yet, as I mentioned in a previous post, she did manage to call and leave a voicemail about Easter. I wait a few days to text back, "Can't make it for Easter. Depending on weather and pain, I might come down for Mother's Day." Reply got back, "Why are you in pain?"
Srsly?
I don't even want to engage anymore. It's just too fucking tedious.
What pain?:
Herniation in my neck
Diminished disc space in low spine
Congenital twist in hip
Damaged ACL in both knees
Heel spurs
Arthritis all throughout
Carpal tunnel (really a big problem gripping a steering wheel for 2.5 hours each way)
OH AND THE SEARING LOW BACK PAIN FROM THE ADENOMYOSIS YOU WERE TRYING TO HAVE A BONDING MOMENT OVER? That right there is what I want to scream at her. But it's not worth it. Things are stressful and tenuous enough as it is. Makes me very stabby thinking about it.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Survey Says...
No.
I'm not going for Easter. Sticking to my guns vis-a-vis no more big holiday family parties. Tho to be honest, in May there's no doubt going to be a Mother's Day "thing" possibly at my sister's house (again). So really, what am I missing out on? Oh yes, to do what sis wants me to do when and how she wants me to do it.
Mother's Day. Memorial Day. Fourth of July. Labor Day. Columbus Day. Halloween. Then "the holiday season." So... Yes. No. No. HELL NO. No. No. Will be in Panama. And "perhaps."
Been married ten-going-on-eleven years. She's been to my home precisely twice. So, uh. No.
In an oddball turn of events, I haven't responded to the voice mail immediately. No interest in it really.
I mean, fuck. 2.5 hour drive on a holiday weekend, starchy food I can't really eat, and I have to jam ear plugs in my ears just to get thru the "party?" only to drive 2.5 hours back home, and risk being killed by some nut changing lanes Helen Keller style at break neck speed? ALONE? Not my idea of a good time.
If I go she bitches about me, if I don't go she bitches about me. ::Shrugs:: I'd rather stay home, stay in my pajamas, eat some pork, GET PORKED, and have a lovely low key day, rather than fuck up yet another Sunday-leading-into-Monday, my least favorite day of the week.
Oh, PS? I'm still flowing. WTFF?
I'm not going for Easter. Sticking to my guns vis-a-vis no more big holiday family parties. Tho to be honest, in May there's no doubt going to be a Mother's Day "thing" possibly at my sister's house (again). So really, what am I missing out on? Oh yes, to do what sis wants me to do when and how she wants me to do it.
Mother's Day. Memorial Day. Fourth of July. Labor Day. Columbus Day. Halloween. Then "the holiday season." So... Yes. No. No. HELL NO. No. No. Will be in Panama. And "perhaps."
Been married ten-going-on-eleven years. She's been to my home precisely twice. So, uh. No.
In an oddball turn of events, I haven't responded to the voice mail immediately. No interest in it really.
I mean, fuck. 2.5 hour drive on a holiday weekend, starchy food I can't really eat, and I have to jam ear plugs in my ears just to get thru the "party?" only to drive 2.5 hours back home, and risk being killed by some nut changing lanes Helen Keller style at break neck speed? ALONE? Not my idea of a good time.
If I go she bitches about me, if I don't go she bitches about me. ::Shrugs:: I'd rather stay home, stay in my pajamas, eat some pork, GET PORKED, and have a lovely low key day, rather than fuck up yet another Sunday-leading-into-Monday, my least favorite day of the week.
Oh, PS? I'm still flowing. WTFF?
Monday, March 26, 2012
Eventually, I hope I won't give it anymore headspace; however, my harrasser has taken, now, to mocking my appearance. Apparently I look like Truman Capote (white, fat, and gay). Just wow. It's been over two weeks since the Great Defriending Debacle of 2012. You'd think all that rage would just be running on fumes right about now.
KAL Brand Calcium Citrate (Chewable)
FWIW, I'm mostly a Citracal Petites gal (for tablets) and only prefer "chewy" type chewable calciums (Bariatric Advantage, Calcet are my fave chewies; and Healthy Indulgence by Hero brand dark chocolates are all quite good).
I normally do not prefer the disk/wafer type chews that are usually too tart and too big and sometimes too hard to chew... kinda like a big hard Sweet Tart candy. I tried Bariatric Advantage and I believe Twin Labs brands chewable calcium citrates, both of which were so tart, I couldn't choke them back.
KAL brand calcium citrate, at least in the mixed fruit flavor, are quite pleasant. Much more sweet than tart, more reminiscent of Sweet Tart candies than the other disk/wafer type chews I've tried.
My habit is to take at least two of my doses per day in tablet form, and 2 doses in chewable. I do this for two reasons: 1. Calories (despite it being a mineral supplement, they DO contain calories, so taking tablets cuts down on extra calories being consumed); 2. I like to have something sweet in the afternoon with my coffee, something to feel like a sweet treat. The Bariatric Advantage and the Calcet chews fit that bill. And for when I feel like I need a dark chocolate (and ladies, you know what I mean by NEED chocolate), the Healthy Indulgence dark chocolates are truly delicious--they taste like high quality dark chocolate rather than a mineral supplement.
I normally do not prefer the disk/wafer type chews that are usually too tart and too big and sometimes too hard to chew... kinda like a big hard Sweet Tart candy. I tried Bariatric Advantage and I believe Twin Labs brands chewable calcium citrates, both of which were so tart, I couldn't choke them back.
KAL brand calcium citrate, at least in the mixed fruit flavor, are quite pleasant. Much more sweet than tart, more reminiscent of Sweet Tart candies than the other disk/wafer type chews I've tried.
My habit is to take at least two of my doses per day in tablet form, and 2 doses in chewable. I do this for two reasons: 1. Calories (despite it being a mineral supplement, they DO contain calories, so taking tablets cuts down on extra calories being consumed); 2. I like to have something sweet in the afternoon with my coffee, something to feel like a sweet treat. The Bariatric Advantage and the Calcet chews fit that bill. And for when I feel like I need a dark chocolate (and ladies, you know what I mean by NEED chocolate), the Healthy Indulgence dark chocolates are truly delicious--they taste like high quality dark chocolate rather than a mineral supplement.
Wanting to take the path of least resistance...
Not really sure of what is the point of this blog post, but need to just purge it out of me so I can get on with my day. Harp harp harp, whine whine whine. Yeah. I'm going to bitch about my sister again.
While I don't "get" this alienation thing that's going on, and her passive-aggression vis-a-vis ignoring me, then saying something to mom about how I'm ignoring her, or better yet, her bitching about me (and my absence at family functions), I do understand, hey, life gets in the way. If I were a Type A with a child being cultivated to be Type A, had a job I hate (who doesn't?), had an ulcer, plus always over extending myself, yeah, I suppose I wouldn't have time to return a call or a text or an email or whatever.
Confused? Welcome to the club. So am I.
So imagine my "glee" when out of the blue, my cell phone rings last night, and of course, I didn't get to it fast enough to answer it (plus, let's be honest, the call came thru during the season premiere of Mad Men, enough said), when I realized the call I just missed was my sister. So yeah. Out of the blue. The only time I hear from her is on her terms, when she wants something from me. And the something in question is my presence at Easter dinner.
Yeah. That's what's got a bee in my bonnet as it were. I loathe making that drive to begin with. I loathe holiday parties with our family. They are too loud, rarely start on time, drag on forever, are focused primarily on food and snark, and I just am not up to it, physically or emotionally.
Harp harp harp, whine whine whine... yeah. And of course, the never-ending reminder of the void.
Why can't she call to make plans with ME, without a crowd, without an audience, without an agenda blah blah... early in the day on a SATURDAY, so I could either spend the day with her and go home during daylight hours, or sleep over and head home early Sunday a.m.?
Granted, I cannot control when Easter lands, and the obvious, that it always lands on a Sunday.
Granted, I cannot control my sister and her ambivalence about keeping in touch with me.
But I CAN control the circumstances around me, to a degree, by limiting my exposure to things that irritate, depress or anger me.
Perhaps I'd feel more inclined to make the effort to attend if the voicemail started with "Hey, how did the procedure go?" and then work up to Easter later on in the voicemail or perhaps during a follow up call. But it didn't. Yeah, I've got my judgey-pants on today. Hey, if I'm going to be vilified for avoiding family functions, I'll indulge a bit in it myself. I never hear from her. I've stopped trying to continue to forge or cultivate that relationship, as it's obvious how unbalanced and conditional it is. Yet, in my desire to try to do what is right for myself, philosophically and emotionally, I'm sure it has a cost, being a weirded out negative relationship with my niece.
Debating seriously about not going. It's just another Sunday to me anyway.
While I don't "get" this alienation thing that's going on, and her passive-aggression vis-a-vis ignoring me, then saying something to mom about how I'm ignoring her, or better yet, her bitching about me (and my absence at family functions), I do understand, hey, life gets in the way. If I were a Type A with a child being cultivated to be Type A, had a job I hate (who doesn't?), had an ulcer, plus always over extending myself, yeah, I suppose I wouldn't have time to return a call or a text or an email or whatever.
Confused? Welcome to the club. So am I.
So imagine my "glee" when out of the blue, my cell phone rings last night, and of course, I didn't get to it fast enough to answer it (plus, let's be honest, the call came thru during the season premiere of Mad Men, enough said), when I realized the call I just missed was my sister. So yeah. Out of the blue. The only time I hear from her is on her terms, when she wants something from me. And the something in question is my presence at Easter dinner.
Yeah. That's what's got a bee in my bonnet as it were. I loathe making that drive to begin with. I loathe holiday parties with our family. They are too loud, rarely start on time, drag on forever, are focused primarily on food and snark, and I just am not up to it, physically or emotionally.
Harp harp harp, whine whine whine... yeah. And of course, the never-ending reminder of the void.
Why can't she call to make plans with ME, without a crowd, without an audience, without an agenda blah blah... early in the day on a SATURDAY, so I could either spend the day with her and go home during daylight hours, or sleep over and head home early Sunday a.m.?
Granted, I cannot control when Easter lands, and the obvious, that it always lands on a Sunday.
Granted, I cannot control my sister and her ambivalence about keeping in touch with me.
But I CAN control the circumstances around me, to a degree, by limiting my exposure to things that irritate, depress or anger me.
Perhaps I'd feel more inclined to make the effort to attend if the voicemail started with "Hey, how did the procedure go?" and then work up to Easter later on in the voicemail or perhaps during a follow up call. But it didn't. Yeah, I've got my judgey-pants on today. Hey, if I'm going to be vilified for avoiding family functions, I'll indulge a bit in it myself. I never hear from her. I've stopped trying to continue to forge or cultivate that relationship, as it's obvious how unbalanced and conditional it is. Yet, in my desire to try to do what is right for myself, philosophically and emotionally, I'm sure it has a cost, being a weirded out negative relationship with my niece.
Debating seriously about not going. It's just another Sunday to me anyway.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Look Away
Run down.
Depressed (physically and emotionally).
However, on an "up note," if I can even call it that, I discovered that there is actual medicinal properties to eating Indian food containing banana blossom. It actually is good for menstrual cramps and other female stuff.
No vicodin has been consumed thus far today.
Depressed (physically and emotionally).
However, on an "up note," if I can even call it that, I discovered that there is actual medicinal properties to eating Indian food containing banana blossom. It actually is good for menstrual cramps and other female stuff.
No vicodin has been consumed thus far today.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
The Verdict Is In
... regarding the after effects of having the fibroid or polyp removed: Onset day is a bit murky... can't tell if the flow on Thurs leading into Friday was the "spotting" or what, but yesterday evening into today... hellacious cramps. Took a vicodin in the evening yesterday and contemplating doing the same right about now.
Went for lunch w/a friend, then lost myself in thought in shopping for a few hours. Home now. Puttered with the pantry some more. Undershot how many baskets I should have bought, and need to traipse back to Chrismas Tree Shoppes again to get a few more, so I can get the pantry organized. I figure if I have baskets for my supplements, his supplements, and a few baskets which are "task specific" (in this case, baking supplies or canning supplies), it might help things have an overall asthetic of being tidy.
One thing this whole pantry organizing thing has brought to my mind, is how very much I am now a food hoarder since my surgery. I really get off on that sense of abundance, even if I'm not eating everything every second of the day. Hell, half the time when I do my "big cook day" of the week, just being around the food and smelling it cook is sufficient for me. And by the time I'm done cooking, I'm so sick of seeing and smelling what I've cooked, that I end up having some cheese and crackers and just call it a day.
I've got my "mise" for a few dishes already for me, but all I want to do right now is pop a vicodin, and wait a half hour so I can have some ice coffee.
Off to either crochet or curl up into the fetal position, I go.
Went for lunch w/a friend, then lost myself in thought in shopping for a few hours. Home now. Puttered with the pantry some more. Undershot how many baskets I should have bought, and need to traipse back to Chrismas Tree Shoppes again to get a few more, so I can get the pantry organized. I figure if I have baskets for my supplements, his supplements, and a few baskets which are "task specific" (in this case, baking supplies or canning supplies), it might help things have an overall asthetic of being tidy.
One thing this whole pantry organizing thing has brought to my mind, is how very much I am now a food hoarder since my surgery. I really get off on that sense of abundance, even if I'm not eating everything every second of the day. Hell, half the time when I do my "big cook day" of the week, just being around the food and smelling it cook is sufficient for me. And by the time I'm done cooking, I'm so sick of seeing and smelling what I've cooked, that I end up having some cheese and crackers and just call it a day.
I've got my "mise" for a few dishes already for me, but all I want to do right now is pop a vicodin, and wait a half hour so I can have some ice coffee.
Off to either crochet or curl up into the fetal position, I go.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Oh Boya...
Found out that Goya makes these diet versions of their fruit nectars, which I have to admit, makes me intensely happy. I don't drink all that much fruit juice in general, tho I do have an unrelenting love of Spicy V8. But every once in a while, it's a nice change to have a fruit juice as part of a snack (the lead-in to the solids).
Among the varieties I got, I got the soursop. At one time in the 1990s, I was fascinated by a fruit called the custard apple (I think Aussie Moist at the time put it in their shampoos), and even managed to buy one at a high end market once. Little did I realize that soursop and custard apple are the same fruit. And out of the varieties of the nectars, it's surprisingly lowest in calories.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soursop
Reading up the wiki on it, is a fascinating read. First off, there's a Hindu & Sri Lankan myth that Lord Rama and his monkey warrior Hanuman consumed this very fruit/juice en route to Sri Lanka (to rescue Sita from Ravana). So as I cracked the can open, but before I drank up, I muttered, "Jai Bajarang Bali!" (Hail Hanuman!)
Then there are two health related tidbits... one suggesting medical merit re: possibility of helping or preventing breast cancer; and one suggesting risk, that excessive consumption could contribute to Parkinson's-like lesions on the brain.
As with anything we ingest, a little bit of knowledge is power. Caveat emptor, and all that. Also a little bit of knowledge can ALSO be worrisome!
The juice? 25 calories and tasty. I think it was roughly .69 cents a can.
Among the varieties I got, I got the soursop. At one time in the 1990s, I was fascinated by a fruit called the custard apple (I think Aussie Moist at the time put it in their shampoos), and even managed to buy one at a high end market once. Little did I realize that soursop and custard apple are the same fruit. And out of the varieties of the nectars, it's surprisingly lowest in calories.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soursop
Reading up the wiki on it, is a fascinating read. First off, there's a Hindu & Sri Lankan myth that Lord Rama and his monkey warrior Hanuman consumed this very fruit/juice en route to Sri Lanka (to rescue Sita from Ravana). So as I cracked the can open, but before I drank up, I muttered, "Jai Bajarang Bali!" (Hail Hanuman!)
Then there are two health related tidbits... one suggesting medical merit re: possibility of helping or preventing breast cancer; and one suggesting risk, that excessive consumption could contribute to Parkinson's-like lesions on the brain.
As with anything we ingest, a little bit of knowledge is power. Caveat emptor, and all that. Also a little bit of knowledge can ALSO be worrisome!
The juice? 25 calories and tasty. I think it was roughly .69 cents a can.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Feelin' Weird
As if feeling depressed weren't enough, I have this discomfort in the lower abdomen. Can't tell if it's bowel, uterine, or related to my bypass. An uncomfortable pressure weird fullness, with occasional twinges. Weird. Noting it here so when I do my follow up, I'll have a timeline. Breathing very slow, deliberate and shallow because of the discomfort.
No vicodin was ingested today.
No vicodin was ingested today.
Not much to report at the moment.
Hurry up and wait.
Haven't weighed myself. Not sure why. Not motivated to hop on the scale and see it not change, I suppose.
Given the stress of the last two weeks, the pain of the adenomyosis, the surgery to remove the polyp, the undue drama of the Great Unfriending of 2012, and having what I consider a high speed "near miss" on the GSP yesterday (someone was changing lanes, Helen Keller style, at about 80 mph, causing me to lose control of my car, and mercifully not be injured/killed, nor injure/kill someone else). Of course, the asshole in question who caused this chaos, continued on his merry way...
And despite taking my vitamins and staying hydrated and boosting myself with extra B12, I not only feel run down, but just depressed. I don't know if it's situational, chemical, or I'm PMSing or what. But I feel horrid, feel like crying, and workplace notwithstanding, I could easily see myself sobbing at my desk.
Follow up is scheduled for 4/2; however, I might try to change it to the week before, assuming Aunt Flow is out of town by then. So I suppose by then I'll get the low down of size/location of the fibroid/polyp, find out the pathology of it; and perhaps even get a chance to discuss the weird boob twinge thing I've had for the last month or so.
I'm just spent. And tonight I feel like eating something meaty. I might run to Whole Foods for a steak and some salad from the salad bar.
Haven't weighed myself. Not sure why. Not motivated to hop on the scale and see it not change, I suppose.
Given the stress of the last two weeks, the pain of the adenomyosis, the surgery to remove the polyp, the undue drama of the Great Unfriending of 2012, and having what I consider a high speed "near miss" on the GSP yesterday (someone was changing lanes, Helen Keller style, at about 80 mph, causing me to lose control of my car, and mercifully not be injured/killed, nor injure/kill someone else). Of course, the asshole in question who caused this chaos, continued on his merry way...
And despite taking my vitamins and staying hydrated and boosting myself with extra B12, I not only feel run down, but just depressed. I don't know if it's situational, chemical, or I'm PMSing or what. But I feel horrid, feel like crying, and workplace notwithstanding, I could easily see myself sobbing at my desk.
Follow up is scheduled for 4/2; however, I might try to change it to the week before, assuming Aunt Flow is out of town by then. So I suppose by then I'll get the low down of size/location of the fibroid/polyp, find out the pathology of it; and perhaps even get a chance to discuss the weird boob twinge thing I've had for the last month or so.
I'm just spent. And tonight I feel like eating something meaty. I might run to Whole Foods for a steak and some salad from the salad bar.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Not much to report...
Had a great phone in session w/the therapist about everything from the last nearly two weeks.
Have to follow up w/the gyno next week. Goody yet another day out of the office. Anyway, will try to piggy back an appt w/the therapist on the same day if I can, and possibly score dinner in NYC w/the hubby too, thus hitting my day in the city "trifecta."
More conclusive deets next week. I'm sure there's a pathology being run on whatever they removed. I say "whatever," because really ultrasound aside, they didn't know what they were dealing with, polyp or fibroid, until they got in there and rooted around w/the hysteroscope.
Not in any real or extra pain since the procedure, tho I get a weird twingey sensation... not sure what that is.
Have to follow up w/the gyno next week. Goody yet another day out of the office. Anyway, will try to piggy back an appt w/the therapist on the same day if I can, and possibly score dinner in NYC w/the hubby too, thus hitting my day in the city "trifecta."
More conclusive deets next week. I'm sure there's a pathology being run on whatever they removed. I say "whatever," because really ultrasound aside, they didn't know what they were dealing with, polyp or fibroid, until they got in there and rooted around w/the hysteroscope.
Not in any real or extra pain since the procedure, tho I get a weird twingey sensation... not sure what that is.
So Yeah...
In a nutshell, I'm being stalked. Decided to make my blog invitation only to form yet another choke point of access (to me) for the stalker/harrasser.
EOS.
EOS.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Tuesday & Rohypnol, Perfect Together
Correction: It was propophol....
Today I go in to get the pesky polyp removed. Almost seems more bother than the 45 minute travel time, wait time in lobby, plus wait time for the rohypnol to do its thing. Procedure should be very quick, so I'm just hoping the wait isn't unbearable.
Here's hoping we can get some fried chicken for lunch to take home. Physically spent, so doing my day in the city routine is out of the question for a while.
Here's hoping that the polyp removal is enough to facilitate a positive change vis-a-vis the horrid pain.
Also worth mentioning, on another note, I contacted a custom closet business re: arranging a consultation. I want to start small, perhaps get a new pantry, then work from there.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Today I go in to get the pesky polyp removed. Almost seems more bother than the 45 minute travel time, wait time in lobby, plus wait time for the rohypnol to do its thing. Procedure should be very quick, so I'm just hoping the wait isn't unbearable.
Here's hoping we can get some fried chicken for lunch to take home. Physically spent, so doing my day in the city routine is out of the question for a while.
Here's hoping that the polyp removal is enough to facilitate a positive change vis-a-vis the horrid pain.
Also worth mentioning, on another note, I contacted a custom closet business re: arranging a consultation. I want to start small, perhaps get a new pantry, then work from there.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
On Being Oscar Madison
So, I emailed Felix and let him know a link to a professional organizer, and for him to inquire about cost and services.
I'm hopeful to get things organized and neat, and hopefully it'll facilitate more focus and happiness in the house.
This was my one deed for the day, to work towards health and happiness.
I'm hopeful to get things organized and neat, and hopefully it'll facilitate more focus and happiness in the house.
This was my one deed for the day, to work towards health and happiness.
Back to the Usual Drivel
Mini timeline:
2/24/12 Adenomyosis & polyp Dx.
2/26/12 Onset day.
3/13/12 Out patient polyp removal.
To do list:
Make some calls re: MSW who specializes in hoarding and reorganizing.
2/24/12 Adenomyosis & polyp Dx.
2/26/12 Onset day.
3/13/12 Out patient polyp removal.
To do list:
Make some calls re: MSW who specializes in hoarding and reorganizing.
Redux: On Life, Dharma & Pursuit of (Health and) Happiness
I don't "get" the whole "why won't she talk to me about how or why she doesn't want to talk to me anymore" bit.
Obviously, my focus is on me and my health. I don't expect most folks to understand where I'm coming from. I mean, really, who REALLY knows any of us? It's presumptuous to reduce the entirety of who someone really is (isn't it?). While I do appreciate folks who do speak their mind, and I don't much prefer folks to blow smoke up my ass, there IS something to be said about finesse, and even more to be said and appreciated about knowing when to just STFU.
A good lot of communication is equal parts listening, equal parts talking, and equal parts knowing when to just STFU. Like I said, "finesse."
So I find it amusing (or ironic, or sad, or obtuse, or grotesque, even) when after the "don't go away mad, just go away" has been uttered, that any reply is even necessary or warranted, much less a reply which pretty much marginalizes, dismisses or mocks the fact I was offended. Again, in active, actual physical pain here, emotional pain and existential pain aside. So yeah, it's intellectually lazy to vilify me for having standards of what I'm willing to tolerate in life, online or IRL.
She said what she said.
I said what I said.
We obviously are philosophically opposed to what either has said.
It's not my job to provide "home training" regarding what IS finesse exactly, and how does one actually ... FINESSE. I've got other shit to deal with.
Ultimately, the result would have been the same, whether I used my "big girl words" or not, being, one of us was going to end up being offended. So she offended me w/being so blunt, and I offended her by pulling back. And yet, the diatribes continue. The time to have been so concerned about the "slow fade" as I call it, was when I was actively pulling back, letting the situation (and her, I suppose) do the slow fade to black, into obscurity, before the Great Unfriending happened; however, no comment or acknowledgement was made during the 10 days of near radio silence.
Make no mistake, this was not passive aggression on my part. My decision to unfriend was aggressive. I thought about it for ten days. Yet, her hostile vaguely veiled status updates, which could have been about me, or someone else, who knows... passive aggressive comments left on friends' status updates, not to mention posting on a knitting site about the situation, comically playing the martyr at my expense.
This entire experience has been useful for me. Truly. Reminds me of how or why I ordinarily DO have a personal policy about not actively cultivating friendships with folks who are under the age of 30, as I think there's not much that either side can relate to the other. Very useful to know who has the sensitivity to render any adequate support. That's cool. I can manage.
I'm not even angry. It's just very matter-of-fact at this point. Similarly, I've unfriended my own family members and viewed it in the same vein as when I did DIY surgery on my own plantars wart: to remove annoyance and additional pain in the future. I have no time for anger, as it just blurs my focus.
She's not a friend if she expresses her opinion, and I express my hurt and she MOCKS me for it. That is NOT my definition a friend. That's my bottom line.
Every person is entitled to live their lives as they see fit. I try not to judge the choices of others. Live and let live. The only person I am accountable to or for, is ME. Mindful and trying to be kind, but at my core, my primary concern, my primary focus is ME.
Not every single opinion needs to be shared every second. Perhaps that's something that comes with age. I don't know. All I know is that my focus is on my health, managing my pain, possibly explore the idea of conceiving a child before it's too late, and of course, grappling with the obvious, which is totally lost on some folks: my own mortality, and the consequences of every single decision I make for the rest of the year.
I stand firm to my decision to back away and focus my energies on myself, and surround myself with folks who are truly supportive of me and what I'm going through. No sympathy ploy here. I don't need to be validated by and large by nameless, faceless folks on the internet, much less have a child dispense life advice to me, or make me feel like I am in a position where I have to justify anything about my life, my health, or my life decisions to her.
A lady always knows when it's time to leave. So I left. End of discussion.
Obviously, my focus is on me and my health. I don't expect most folks to understand where I'm coming from. I mean, really, who REALLY knows any of us? It's presumptuous to reduce the entirety of who someone really is (isn't it?). While I do appreciate folks who do speak their mind, and I don't much prefer folks to blow smoke up my ass, there IS something to be said about finesse, and even more to be said and appreciated about knowing when to just STFU.
A good lot of communication is equal parts listening, equal parts talking, and equal parts knowing when to just STFU. Like I said, "finesse."
So I find it amusing (or ironic, or sad, or obtuse, or grotesque, even) when after the "don't go away mad, just go away" has been uttered, that any reply is even necessary or warranted, much less a reply which pretty much marginalizes, dismisses or mocks the fact I was offended. Again, in active, actual physical pain here, emotional pain and existential pain aside. So yeah, it's intellectually lazy to vilify me for having standards of what I'm willing to tolerate in life, online or IRL.
She said what she said.
I said what I said.
We obviously are philosophically opposed to what either has said.
It's not my job to provide "home training" regarding what IS finesse exactly, and how does one actually ... FINESSE. I've got other shit to deal with.
Ultimately, the result would have been the same, whether I used my "big girl words" or not, being, one of us was going to end up being offended. So she offended me w/being so blunt, and I offended her by pulling back. And yet, the diatribes continue. The time to have been so concerned about the "slow fade" as I call it, was when I was actively pulling back, letting the situation (and her, I suppose) do the slow fade to black, into obscurity, before the Great Unfriending happened; however, no comment or acknowledgement was made during the 10 days of near radio silence.
Make no mistake, this was not passive aggression on my part. My decision to unfriend was aggressive. I thought about it for ten days. Yet, her hostile vaguely veiled status updates, which could have been about me, or someone else, who knows... passive aggressive comments left on friends' status updates, not to mention posting on a knitting site about the situation, comically playing the martyr at my expense.
This entire experience has been useful for me. Truly. Reminds me of how or why I ordinarily DO have a personal policy about not actively cultivating friendships with folks who are under the age of 30, as I think there's not much that either side can relate to the other. Very useful to know who has the sensitivity to render any adequate support. That's cool. I can manage.
I'm not even angry. It's just very matter-of-fact at this point. Similarly, I've unfriended my own family members and viewed it in the same vein as when I did DIY surgery on my own plantars wart: to remove annoyance and additional pain in the future. I have no time for anger, as it just blurs my focus.
She's not a friend if she expresses her opinion, and I express my hurt and she MOCKS me for it. That is NOT my definition a friend. That's my bottom line.
Every person is entitled to live their lives as they see fit. I try not to judge the choices of others. Live and let live. The only person I am accountable to or for, is ME. Mindful and trying to be kind, but at my core, my primary concern, my primary focus is ME.
Not every single opinion needs to be shared every second. Perhaps that's something that comes with age. I don't know. All I know is that my focus is on my health, managing my pain, possibly explore the idea of conceiving a child before it's too late, and of course, grappling with the obvious, which is totally lost on some folks: my own mortality, and the consequences of every single decision I make for the rest of the year.
I stand firm to my decision to back away and focus my energies on myself, and surround myself with folks who are truly supportive of me and what I'm going through. No sympathy ploy here. I don't need to be validated by and large by nameless, faceless folks on the internet, much less have a child dispense life advice to me, or make me feel like I am in a position where I have to justify anything about my life, my health, or my life decisions to her.
A lady always knows when it's time to leave. So I left. End of discussion.
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Ironic Twist
So, as I'm going thru what I'm going thru, and struggling with the grief that adenomyosis can bring, existential, fertility, and survival, my mother informs me, rather matter of factly, that my sister has changed her designation in her will. Which is to say, that should something unfortunate befall my sister and brother-in-law, I will not be the person who raises my niece.
It's just a hypothetical situation. I know. A situation tethered to the earthly demise of my sister, so I can't even be pissed off about it. Hell, it's so gauche to think of it in a logical sense, "Oh damn it, I don't get custody of my hypothetically dead sister."
But still it makes me wince a little. I might not have a kid of my own, PLUS, I won't get custody of my niece.
In an ironic twist, it makes me chuckle how all this stuff seems to be inter-related.
I know that the custody designation is in response to (and quite possibly, my punishment for) my emotional and physical pulling back from ALL family, not just my sister and my niece since my dad died in 2008. I've needed that time to regroup, deal with my grief, and (hell!), deal with all the other shit in my life, physical and emotional health.
But the reality is, granted, I have pulled back; however, if I did not text my sister or email her (of which she only replies 50% of the time, IF THAT), I'd never hear from her unless she wants something (i.e. my niece is begging/selling shit for a fund raiser for one of the many groups/activities she's in). To be honest, I don't know what I have done, beyond the pull back. And no, I don't send gifts anymore unless I'm present to present the present, because I never get an acknowledgement or a thank you (so why bother?). And I never hear from my sister or my niece. I never get a birthday card. Xmas time has been fucked in the ass for me too ("oh we're only giving gifts to the KIDS now").
Furthermore, I cannot and will not tell my sister about my situation. I never hear from her, so why would I share such a personal thing? She also has an ulcer, so why add to her stress? Also, I already have doctors, I don't need her to activate her LPN Superpowers for me. I already have the best doctors I can find working on my assorted health issues. I don't need her to be a nurse. I need her to be my sister. And sadly, she just can't do that. And yet, I am acutely aware that she bitches about me, my absence, etc, yet is too cowardly to confront me about it.
So why won't I confront her? Because I'm trying to conserve my energy FOR ME. I don't have anything else to give anyone else. And if she can't be my sister, I'd gladly just continue taking silence.
It's just a hypothetical situation. I know. A situation tethered to the earthly demise of my sister, so I can't even be pissed off about it. Hell, it's so gauche to think of it in a logical sense, "Oh damn it, I don't get custody of my hypothetically dead sister."
But still it makes me wince a little. I might not have a kid of my own, PLUS, I won't get custody of my niece.
In an ironic twist, it makes me chuckle how all this stuff seems to be inter-related.
I know that the custody designation is in response to (and quite possibly, my punishment for) my emotional and physical pulling back from ALL family, not just my sister and my niece since my dad died in 2008. I've needed that time to regroup, deal with my grief, and (hell!), deal with all the other shit in my life, physical and emotional health.
But the reality is, granted, I have pulled back; however, if I did not text my sister or email her (of which she only replies 50% of the time, IF THAT), I'd never hear from her unless she wants something (i.e. my niece is begging/selling shit for a fund raiser for one of the many groups/activities she's in). To be honest, I don't know what I have done, beyond the pull back. And no, I don't send gifts anymore unless I'm present to present the present, because I never get an acknowledgement or a thank you (so why bother?). And I never hear from my sister or my niece. I never get a birthday card. Xmas time has been fucked in the ass for me too ("oh we're only giving gifts to the KIDS now").
Furthermore, I cannot and will not tell my sister about my situation. I never hear from her, so why would I share such a personal thing? She also has an ulcer, so why add to her stress? Also, I already have doctors, I don't need her to activate her LPN Superpowers for me. I already have the best doctors I can find working on my assorted health issues. I don't need her to be a nurse. I need her to be my sister. And sadly, she just can't do that. And yet, I am acutely aware that she bitches about me, my absence, etc, yet is too cowardly to confront me about it.
So why won't I confront her? Because I'm trying to conserve my energy FOR ME. I don't have anything else to give anyone else. And if she can't be my sister, I'd gladly just continue taking silence.
Saturday, March 03, 2012
On Life, Dharma, and the Pursuit of Health & Happiness
I don't put myself out there as a Buddhist, tho I do find a lot of the philosophies practical in nature. I don't know offhand the four noble truths nor do I have the eightfold path memorized. But three things I do know are:
1. Take that which is useful (and discard the rest).
2. All life is suffering.
3. The endpoint to dharma is happiness.
So by that logic, I have come to the conclusion that your happiness does not come about by adding to the suffering of others.
Anyone who really knows me knows I have a lot on my plate physically and emotionally, AND existentially. By extension, I really don't have all that much to give others (family or friends, or worse, folks who put themselves out there as friends, but their words or actions belie otherwise). So if I must make some discards, and distance myself from things or people who are toxic in order to conserve my energies for myself and my health and well being, then so be it.
I don't have the time or energy to indulge opinionated, hostile folks who militantly reduce my whole health issues to the global overpopulation issue. Obviously, the focus of all my visits to my doctors in NYC is lost on some folks.
I don't wish you ill.
I don't wish you well.
Don't go away mad. Just go away.
1. Take that which is useful (and discard the rest).
2. All life is suffering.
3. The endpoint to dharma is happiness.
So by that logic, I have come to the conclusion that your happiness does not come about by adding to the suffering of others.
Anyone who really knows me knows I have a lot on my plate physically and emotionally, AND existentially. By extension, I really don't have all that much to give others (family or friends, or worse, folks who put themselves out there as friends, but their words or actions belie otherwise). So if I must make some discards, and distance myself from things or people who are toxic in order to conserve my energies for myself and my health and well being, then so be it.
I don't have the time or energy to indulge opinionated, hostile folks who militantly reduce my whole health issues to the global overpopulation issue. Obviously, the focus of all my visits to my doctors in NYC is lost on some folks.
I don't wish you ill.
I don't wish you well.
Don't go away mad. Just go away.
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