Ironic Twist

So, as I'm going thru what I'm going thru, and struggling with the grief that adenomyosis can bring, existential, fertility, and survival, my mother informs me, rather matter of factly, that my sister has changed her designation in her will. Which is to say, that should something unfortunate befall my sister and brother-in-law, I will not be the person who raises my niece.

It's just a hypothetical situation. I know. A situation tethered to the earthly demise of my sister, so I can't even be pissed off about it. Hell, it's so gauche to think of it in a logical sense, "Oh damn it, I don't get custody of my hypothetically dead sister."

But still it makes me wince a little. I might not have a kid of my own, PLUS, I won't get custody of my niece.

In an ironic twist, it makes me chuckle how all this stuff seems to be inter-related.

I know that the custody designation is in response to (and quite possibly, my punishment for) my emotional and physical pulling back from ALL family, not just my sister and my niece since my dad died in 2008. I've needed that time to regroup, deal with my grief, and (hell!), deal with all the other shit in my life, physical and emotional health.

But the reality is, granted, I have pulled back; however, if I did not text my sister or email her (of which she only replies 50% of the time, IF THAT), I'd never hear from her unless she wants something (i.e. my niece is begging/selling shit for a fund raiser for one of the many groups/activities she's in). To be honest, I don't know what I have done, beyond the pull back. And no, I don't send gifts anymore unless I'm present to present the present, because I never get an acknowledgement or a thank you (so why bother?). And I never hear from my sister or my niece. I never get a birthday card. Xmas time has been fucked in the ass for me too ("oh we're only giving gifts to the KIDS now").

Furthermore, I cannot and will not tell my sister about my situation. I never hear from her, so why would I share such a personal thing? She also has an ulcer, so why add to her stress? Also, I already have doctors, I don't need her to activate her LPN Superpowers for me. I already have the best doctors I can find working on my assorted health issues. I don't need her to be a nurse. I need her to be my sister. And sadly, she just can't do that. And yet, I am acutely aware that she bitches about me, my absence, etc, yet is too cowardly to confront me about it.

So why won't I confront her? Because I'm trying to conserve my energy FOR ME. I don't have anything else to give anyone else. And if she can't be my sister, I'd gladly just continue taking silence.