Yesterday was a trifecta of doctor's appointments. Three. What was I thinking. (Well, I know what I was thinking, let's get this shit over with!).
First up was the renal guy, to follow up re: microalbumen in my urine, elevated cortisol in my blood, and find out about whether my bp Rx was the best for me, and also rule out any kidney damage from 40 years of being overweight and having insulin resistance issues. This ended up being more positive of the three appointments. (Looks like it might end up being nothing to worry about.)
Second up was the ReproEndoGuy. Still impressed w/my weight loss and my ability to fix the iron issues (I upped my Feosol to 3x a day during menses, w/2x a day the rest of the month). Told me to drop my D3 to 2000IU a day (too much could result in kidney stones). And looky there... yes. A nodule on my thyroid. Apparently it's been there all along, yet he never mentioned it, and only mentioned it to me (you guessed it!) because it's gotten larger. So I have to hurry up and wait. I see the doc again in four months, but three months from now, I need to schedule an ultrasound. So it'll be July before I have any idea on what's cooking in that department.
And the last of which was going to my gyno. Regular exam, coupled up with a discussion on my accepting I need to do the ablation to take care of the adenomyosis and endometriosis pain, and OH WHILE YOU ARE IN THERE, get my tubes tied at the same time. Because with my shitty luck, I'd be the 1 in 1000 who gets pregnant post-ablation. And given my age, other risk factors, and the ablation, well, it's come down to my survival vs the existence or survival of a metaphorical baby, and well... sorry baby, I'm looking out for #1.
This isn't glib or careless or even rash. I'm tired of living in pain, and being a prisoner to my period. I'm losing effectively 1/4-1/3 of my month to this beast. The pain is debilitating and damn near crippling; and the mess is substantial. But the long term effects of not having a kid, is the thing that's going to be a moment-by-moment thing for me to deal with.
As I've said before, I always thought motherhood would eventually find me. And only now am I realizing it was never out looking for me in the first place. Kind of sobering. Is this my destiny or my fate? While I never fawned over the kids of other folks, I always thought if I had my own, I'd feel differently (about them, not kids in general).
I've had a happy life the last 12 years, which I've been married to the husband. No kids, I feel, will mean just more of the same status quo. And yet, I'm sad. The only folks who truly "get" what I'm going thru are struggling with their own journey of non-motherhood. I'm equally glad and sad I have friends going thru the same struggle.
I think this for myself, and for all of us on the same journey: What is to become of us? What do we do now?
