Started physical therapy last week. Haven't built up to doing anything that actually works up a sweat. I've been given a small series of exercises to focus on at home in between sessions. Next session usually has expansions on those exercises.
Been off the cymbalta for a few weeks now, and still too afraid to hop on the scale.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
The Post-Meltdown Journaling
Perhaps it was a Perfect Storm of too much bullshit coinciding at the same time. Perhaps. I cannot blame it on just one thing, but an amalgamation of shit. The meltdown was spectacular and has been an act which had been brewing for quite some time.
Before I go into the breakdown, perhaps detailed in a subsequent blog post to this one. it's best to inventory what no doubt contributed to the breakdown. In no particular order, other than "stream of consciousness," which is pretty much word vomit as it courses its way from the frontal lobe, vomitting forth out my fingertips):
I busied myself with some last minute details and running about. Even managed to growl at a co-worker again, as I said, "I'm issuing a pre-emptive GRRRR!" In person it's less cute than in the written form, trust me. I felt off and depressed and angry all morning.
Then the oversight of not being included in the conversation of "hey go home."
So I decided to head off and get a deep tissue massage. Surely THAT would be enough to set things right for me. And sadly, it didn't.
I then thought, perhaps I was still edgey because I hadn't eaten lunch. So I went for a sit down at a nice Chinese restaurant for salt and pepper pork chop (my fave) and some garlicky sauteed spinach. Then Kenny G came on, much to my chagrin (dad used to listen to this on an endless loop during his nap times as a white noise--and I was brought right back to the fact that there I was, on a Friday, yet another Friday since he died). Lunch did nothing to improve my mood.
I then decided to set about to scope out the two block radius of the new office for alternatives to the parking garage they have lined up for us, and allegedly scored a "limited time" fee of $75 a month for parking. I go to the garage. Park the car, and go inside the desolate mall to attempt to find the parking management office. The world's slowest elevator is in this mall, mind you. So I go up to 3, then get informed it might be back down on 1... and the elevator took so damned long, and I'm about to jump out of my skin with hostility, that I walk out into the garage on the third level and walk around and around until I get back down to one, get to the car, and as I approach the toll booth to pay my parking ticket, EXASPERATEDLY, I ask the attendant where the parking office is, and she gets her manager over to the booth, and he can pretty much tell just by looking at me that I am unhinged. He talks me down a bit, and I'll go on Monday to attempt, yet again, to get my parking permit, which I insist on renewing each month, in person, paying cash, because FUCK I don't want these people having my credit card info, drivers LICENSE info, etc. WTF? HELLO? IDENTITY THEFT ANYONE?
I then decide to go to the grocery store to use the rest room and buy a replacement jar of peanut butter, as the husband absconded with the new jar I JUST BOUGHT, and as I was approaching the door, a taxi cab decided right then and there, without looking, they were going to put their car in reverse, without looking, narrowly avoiding hitting MY PERSON, which then of course, made me erupt a VOLCANIC SHIT TON OF EXPLETIVES for all to hear about what shit bags the taxicab drivers are in White Plains.
While inside, once I procured my items and sauntered up to the self check out aisle, a man standing there with 2 gift cards to buy, CHIVALROUSLY offered to let me go ahead of him. I even remarked to him directly (after thanking him), "I must have quite a facial expression right about now." He remained kind and helpful. I could tell he was having quite a day too.
At this point I decided to cut my losses, and head over to City Center, to both, inquire at the parking garage about parking permit costs, as well as head to Barnes and Noble for some crochet magazines, then off to Atlanta Bread Company for coffee, and wasting time crocheting while I waited for the husband to arrive at the train station.
I managed to keep my shit together until I picked up the husband, who had our household's traditional "Friday Night Take Out" in tow. And I know he's been having a hard time at work lately, so no, I couldn't unload on him. But by the time I picked him up, I was so upset I just go inwards, almost like a borderline fugue state. Where I hear people, but I'm locked in and locked up and just cannot respond. I drove in complete silence as the husband repeated several times about the turkish pizza he got for dinner, and I remained entirely mute, but tears still streamed down my cheeks in silence.
Once I got into our parking lot at home, I dropped him off at the ideal spot so he had less walking to do to our entrance, and I continued to drive in the lot to find a spot, and once in it, I broke down into sobs.
I ate some pizza and promptly fell asleep in front of the tube. I awoke about 11, and he was already in bed. I stayed up a bit and vegetated, then fell asleep on our lounge chair.
My back aches. My period is due any moment now (just in time for my first day in the new office on Monday).
I'm miserable, and feel helpless to change it.
Before I go into the breakdown, perhaps detailed in a subsequent blog post to this one. it's best to inventory what no doubt contributed to the breakdown. In no particular order, other than "stream of consciousness," which is pretty much word vomit as it courses its way from the frontal lobe, vomitting forth out my fingertips):
- Drama with my mother. Granted at the moment, we're coasting along as she's in a nursing facility--though doubtful she'll ever go home again. She's been there a full month and is still unable to stand or walk on her own. However, from January until current writing (close to three months) it's been a non-stop fuckfest of resentment, drama, anger, etc. She's barely civil when I call, and isn't interested in anything going on with me, and the nastiness makes me less inclined to make that thankless trip to Jersey to visit--which I was planning on doing this weekend, then started to feel shitty, back achey, and thought hey she wasn't even really pleasant to me on the phone, fuck it, maybe NEXT weekend, perhaps;
- The weather. It's been a particularly snowy winter, which has kept me indoors, I haven't done my daily constitutional as a result and have seen a 7 lb uptick in the last month alone--though a good lot of that is no doubt related to the Cymbalta I was on.
- I was on Cymbalta for about a month, and over the last two weeks had gradually weaned myself off it. Today is effectively day six of cold turkey, not even a single solitary pellet of the stuff is in my system.
- I've been under a lot of stress at work given our relocation to a new office. So there's been a nonstop flurry of activity preparing for the move. Friday was our last day in the office, and in keeping with the baseline of constantly being everyone's afterthought, not one single person let me know in a timely manner, "Hey, the phones and computers are down--go home." I sat around until someone from the relocation team came thru and they were the ones to tell me to scoot. I sat around for nearly an hour or two waiting, looking like a fool.
- I also managed to lose track of when my menses was due this month.
- I also may not have taken my blood pressure pills the night before.
I busied myself with some last minute details and running about. Even managed to growl at a co-worker again, as I said, "I'm issuing a pre-emptive GRRRR!" In person it's less cute than in the written form, trust me. I felt off and depressed and angry all morning.
Then the oversight of not being included in the conversation of "hey go home."
So I decided to head off and get a deep tissue massage. Surely THAT would be enough to set things right for me. And sadly, it didn't.
I then thought, perhaps I was still edgey because I hadn't eaten lunch. So I went for a sit down at a nice Chinese restaurant for salt and pepper pork chop (my fave) and some garlicky sauteed spinach. Then Kenny G came on, much to my chagrin (dad used to listen to this on an endless loop during his nap times as a white noise--and I was brought right back to the fact that there I was, on a Friday, yet another Friday since he died). Lunch did nothing to improve my mood.
I then decided to set about to scope out the two block radius of the new office for alternatives to the parking garage they have lined up for us, and allegedly scored a "limited time" fee of $75 a month for parking. I go to the garage. Park the car, and go inside the desolate mall to attempt to find the parking management office. The world's slowest elevator is in this mall, mind you. So I go up to 3, then get informed it might be back down on 1... and the elevator took so damned long, and I'm about to jump out of my skin with hostility, that I walk out into the garage on the third level and walk around and around until I get back down to one, get to the car, and as I approach the toll booth to pay my parking ticket, EXASPERATEDLY, I ask the attendant where the parking office is, and she gets her manager over to the booth, and he can pretty much tell just by looking at me that I am unhinged. He talks me down a bit, and I'll go on Monday to attempt, yet again, to get my parking permit, which I insist on renewing each month, in person, paying cash, because FUCK I don't want these people having my credit card info, drivers LICENSE info, etc. WTF? HELLO? IDENTITY THEFT ANYONE?
I then decide to go to the grocery store to use the rest room and buy a replacement jar of peanut butter, as the husband absconded with the new jar I JUST BOUGHT, and as I was approaching the door, a taxi cab decided right then and there, without looking, they were going to put their car in reverse, without looking, narrowly avoiding hitting MY PERSON, which then of course, made me erupt a VOLCANIC SHIT TON OF EXPLETIVES for all to hear about what shit bags the taxicab drivers are in White Plains.
While inside, once I procured my items and sauntered up to the self check out aisle, a man standing there with 2 gift cards to buy, CHIVALROUSLY offered to let me go ahead of him. I even remarked to him directly (after thanking him), "I must have quite a facial expression right about now." He remained kind and helpful. I could tell he was having quite a day too.
At this point I decided to cut my losses, and head over to City Center, to both, inquire at the parking garage about parking permit costs, as well as head to Barnes and Noble for some crochet magazines, then off to Atlanta Bread Company for coffee, and wasting time crocheting while I waited for the husband to arrive at the train station.
I managed to keep my shit together until I picked up the husband, who had our household's traditional "Friday Night Take Out" in tow. And I know he's been having a hard time at work lately, so no, I couldn't unload on him. But by the time I picked him up, I was so upset I just go inwards, almost like a borderline fugue state. Where I hear people, but I'm locked in and locked up and just cannot respond. I drove in complete silence as the husband repeated several times about the turkish pizza he got for dinner, and I remained entirely mute, but tears still streamed down my cheeks in silence.
Once I got into our parking lot at home, I dropped him off at the ideal spot so he had less walking to do to our entrance, and I continued to drive in the lot to find a spot, and once in it, I broke down into sobs.
I ate some pizza and promptly fell asleep in front of the tube. I awoke about 11, and he was already in bed. I stayed up a bit and vegetated, then fell asleep on our lounge chair.
My back aches. My period is due any moment now (just in time for my first day in the new office on Monday).
I'm miserable, and feel helpless to change it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Good News/Progress
I've been accused in the past (by a sociopath, no doubt), that all I do is bitch and whine about my lot in life, or all I do is post a never ending stream of disorder-after-disorder. What-evs.
Stick this in your pipe and smoke it:
Kidney update: Apparently boosting my intake of alpha lipoic acid from 250 mg to 500 mg daily has positively impacted my proteinuria to the point where it's reversed itself. So no more kidney problem.
Blammo! Obstacle, overcome.
Also, the last six months of 2013 really derailed my best intentions to get to my rainy day projects, and in a fit of serendipity, when researching physical medicine and rehab, I just-so-happened to make an appointment with a physiatrist, which was on my to do list last year. Appointment set for two days from now.
Onward, and upward!
Stick this in your pipe and smoke it:
Kidney update: Apparently boosting my intake of alpha lipoic acid from 250 mg to 500 mg daily has positively impacted my proteinuria to the point where it's reversed itself. So no more kidney problem.
Blammo! Obstacle, overcome.
Also, the last six months of 2013 really derailed my best intentions to get to my rainy day projects, and in a fit of serendipity, when researching physical medicine and rehab, I just-so-happened to make an appointment with a physiatrist, which was on my to do list last year. Appointment set for two days from now.
Onward, and upward!
An Experiment
So what am I to do about that 7-10 lb uptick?
Every once in a while, I revise my eating habits to keep things interesting for me mentally, and hopefully to tweak things back in the direction to re-ignite my weight loss, which has pretty much been stalled for two years (the bulk of my weight I lost post-op was within the first 11 months post-op).
Even after the pitiful bowel movement I had this a.m., I hopped on the scale hoping against hope that it would read what it did at the nephrologist's office last week. No such luck: 4 lb uptick since then (on a completely empty body!).
Today's reading, ego and efforts be damned: 203. (This is also going to be my "starting weight" to monitor progress from/once I start physical therapy.)
So, between going off Cymbalta, I've decided to forego my usual a.m. "intake" of 2 low fat Baby Bells and about 1.5 oz of Cheez Its (approx: 320-350 calories), in favor of a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, w/turkey sausage, weighing in at 250 cal and 17 gm of protein). I toasted the English muffin, nuked the filling to the sandwich, reassembled, then reheated right before leaving the house. I ate it while I waited (in my car) for the clock to strike 9:30 as I don't enter my office until the very last possible moment.
# Calories reduced by substituting breakfast sammie for the cheese/crackers: 100
Current typing: 10:53 a.m., and I'm not peckish, actually I still feel full.
In the feedbag today and timings of intake:
11ish: Protein shake blended w/iced coffee 23 gm protein thereabouts
1 p.m.: 1 can Campbells low fat/low cal Light Chicken noodle soup (140 cal and 12 gm protein for the whole can)*
3 pm.: Small salad of arugala, sliced beets, red onion, blue cheese, 1/2 HB egg, and a few oz of last night's steak (this will be tomorrow's 3 p..m., too)--to be drizzled at the last minute with some low fat/low cal dressing
5 p.m.: Baby carrots and low fat/low cal dressing (for something crunchy instead of my standby pork rinds)
Banana in case I need it while I wait for the husband this evening at the train station.
# Calories reduced by substituting Campbells soup for the Chinese take out egg-drop/wonton hybrid (I'm rounding up to about 200 calories for a pint of this soup, entirely possible, the soup is more calories), approximately: 60
# Calories reduced by substituting 3-4 oz baby carrots + low cal dressing for the pork rinds, approximately: 140
Note: It's entirely possible I won't even eat the carrots, there are some days I forego the snack.
*Now back to the soup in question... Every work day, it is almost imperative I have soup for my 1 p.m. intake. Usually it's egg drop or egg drop wonton mixed. And SURELY, that's gotta weigh in at more calories than the 140 for the can of Campbells, with an undetermined amount of protein and nutrition, too. At least with the canned soup, I know exactly what I am consuming. Let's see if I can get into this habit, and save my egg drop/wonton hybrid for something like Fridays-Only, or if I can eliminate the egg drop entirely from my weekday repertoire, I could just relegate it to the days I pick up/drop off my laundry.
If anyone reading this is interested in the exact soup I am eating and wants to try my experiment (of just purely cutting calories, that's it. Simple math, cutting down calories), here is the exact soup:
I'm just hoping dropping the Cymbalta will take the edge off my hunger.
Every once in a while, I revise my eating habits to keep things interesting for me mentally, and hopefully to tweak things back in the direction to re-ignite my weight loss, which has pretty much been stalled for two years (the bulk of my weight I lost post-op was within the first 11 months post-op).
Even after the pitiful bowel movement I had this a.m., I hopped on the scale hoping against hope that it would read what it did at the nephrologist's office last week. No such luck: 4 lb uptick since then (on a completely empty body!).
Today's reading, ego and efforts be damned: 203. (This is also going to be my "starting weight" to monitor progress from/once I start physical therapy.)
So, between going off Cymbalta, I've decided to forego my usual a.m. "intake" of 2 low fat Baby Bells and about 1.5 oz of Cheez Its (approx: 320-350 calories), in favor of a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, w/turkey sausage, weighing in at 250 cal and 17 gm of protein). I toasted the English muffin, nuked the filling to the sandwich, reassembled, then reheated right before leaving the house. I ate it while I waited (in my car) for the clock to strike 9:30 as I don't enter my office until the very last possible moment.
# Calories reduced by substituting breakfast sammie for the cheese/crackers: 100
Current typing: 10:53 a.m., and I'm not peckish, actually I still feel full.
In the feedbag today and timings of intake:
11ish: Protein shake blended w/iced coffee 23 gm protein thereabouts
1 p.m.: 1 can Campbells low fat/low cal Light Chicken noodle soup (140 cal and 12 gm protein for the whole can)*
3 pm.: Small salad of arugala, sliced beets, red onion, blue cheese, 1/2 HB egg, and a few oz of last night's steak (this will be tomorrow's 3 p..m., too)--to be drizzled at the last minute with some low fat/low cal dressing
5 p.m.: Baby carrots and low fat/low cal dressing (for something crunchy instead of my standby pork rinds)
Banana in case I need it while I wait for the husband this evening at the train station.
# Calories reduced by substituting Campbells soup for the Chinese take out egg-drop/wonton hybrid (I'm rounding up to about 200 calories for a pint of this soup, entirely possible, the soup is more calories), approximately: 60
# Calories reduced by substituting 3-4 oz baby carrots + low cal dressing for the pork rinds, approximately: 140
Note: It's entirely possible I won't even eat the carrots, there are some days I forego the snack.
*Now back to the soup in question... Every work day, it is almost imperative I have soup for my 1 p.m. intake. Usually it's egg drop or egg drop wonton mixed. And SURELY, that's gotta weigh in at more calories than the 140 for the can of Campbells, with an undetermined amount of protein and nutrition, too. At least with the canned soup, I know exactly what I am consuming. Let's see if I can get into this habit, and save my egg drop/wonton hybrid for something like Fridays-Only, or if I can eliminate the egg drop entirely from my weekday repertoire, I could just relegate it to the days I pick up/drop off my laundry.
If anyone reading this is interested in the exact soup I am eating and wants to try my experiment (of just purely cutting calories, that's it. Simple math, cutting down calories), here is the exact soup:
7-10 lb Uptick
So, about the Cymbalta...
I have been taking about a half dose each day for the last almost two weeks, and I'm still seeing no real merit to staying on it. No diminishment of my pain, I'm still pretty blunted and ambivalent to the point of not wanting to do anything, bathroom habits are a bit better than they've been (though, still nothing to write home about), and I've noticed roughly a 7-10 lbs uptick in weight and an increase in appetite.
Today I've decided to forego my dose, and perhaps tomorrow take a dose with even more pellets knocked out of the capsule, to finish tapering off.
If I weren't depressed and anxious enough, the thought of stalling and sabotaging my weight loss is enough to make me downright despondent.
In two days, I see a physiatrist, and I'm hoping that will help turn things around, mentally and physically.
I hope.... famous last words.
I have been taking about a half dose each day for the last almost two weeks, and I'm still seeing no real merit to staying on it. No diminishment of my pain, I'm still pretty blunted and ambivalent to the point of not wanting to do anything, bathroom habits are a bit better than they've been (though, still nothing to write home about), and I've noticed roughly a 7-10 lbs uptick in weight and an increase in appetite.
Today I've decided to forego my dose, and perhaps tomorrow take a dose with even more pellets knocked out of the capsule, to finish tapering off.
If I weren't depressed and anxious enough, the thought of stalling and sabotaging my weight loss is enough to make me downright despondent.
In two days, I see a physiatrist, and I'm hoping that will help turn things around, mentally and physically.
I hope.... famous last words.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Appointment Made!
At the recommendation of a friend, I've decided to explore going to a doctor that specializes in physical medicine and rehab, to help battle my pain issues, and hopefully get me more active so I can lose some more weight.
Appointment set: 3/13 6:30 p.m.!
I go for a consultation, and hopefully they can get me started on physical therapy. Granted it will be for a set period of time, but it will be supervised and hopefully I can get active enough where it will make an impact on my mental and physical health.
Appointment set: 3/13 6:30 p.m.!
I go for a consultation, and hopefully they can get me started on physical therapy. Granted it will be for a set period of time, but it will be supervised and hopefully I can get active enough where it will make an impact on my mental and physical health.
Sunday, March 02, 2014
So About That Weaning...
Well, I made it through Friday all day without a dose, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought I should really try to lower the dose, stay on that until the neuro is back from vacation. He comes back on the 10th and my next appt with him is on the 25th, so I think I can tough it out in the meantime.
So I open the capsule and dump out an approximation of half the pellets. No. I don't count the pellets. It's imprecise, imperfect, but it's better than not taking any of the medication.
I seriously think that I'm suffering such strong side effects to the medication because my physiology has changed since my gastric bypass, and the Cymbalta formulation is a time release capsule. I'm just not managing well on it at all. The constipation issue was really a quality of life concern for me, uncomfortable, plus the epic ambivalence wasn't helping me do anything.
Tomorrow I follow up with my kidney doctor, and later on in the afternoon I have an appointment with my therapist. Full day planned, assuming nothing gets cancelled due to snow.
So I open the capsule and dump out an approximation of half the pellets. No. I don't count the pellets. It's imprecise, imperfect, but it's better than not taking any of the medication.
I seriously think that I'm suffering such strong side effects to the medication because my physiology has changed since my gastric bypass, and the Cymbalta formulation is a time release capsule. I'm just not managing well on it at all. The constipation issue was really a quality of life concern for me, uncomfortable, plus the epic ambivalence wasn't helping me do anything.
Tomorrow I follow up with my kidney doctor, and later on in the afternoon I have an appointment with my therapist. Full day planned, assuming nothing gets cancelled due to snow.
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