8 oz boneless beef rib, marinated and grilled on the GF
4 oz of marinated mushrooms grilled
indeterminate amount of brussels sprouts simmered and buttered:)
Don't give a shit what my 'count' is today.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Mental Health Day Yesterday
Mental health day. Dropped off the husband and went for breakfast, clad only in a pair of khakis, a LL Bean sweatshirt, and my clogs. No bra. No make up. No kidding.
Breaky:
Lobster & crabmeat cake eggs benedict. Coffee. Water. And a sense of "fuck you smug-ness" that I did what I wanted. Read the paper. Cover to cover. Then it was time to pick my wedgie, pay, and get the fluck out of Dodge.
Stayed home and tried to be productive.
Napped.
Ate potato chips.
I'm going to low-carb hell, and Dr. Atkins himself is Satan's taint-waxer and ballsack sweat dauber.
Napped some more.
Dinner:
A burger made of ground lamb, garlic, red onion, fresh oregano and mint and some crumbled lamb's milk blue cheese. Side dish: A fistful of herbed olives.
Breaky:
Lobster & crabmeat cake eggs benedict. Coffee. Water. And a sense of "fuck you smug-ness" that I did what I wanted. Read the paper. Cover to cover. Then it was time to pick my wedgie, pay, and get the fluck out of Dodge.
Stayed home and tried to be productive.
Napped.
Ate potato chips.
I'm going to low-carb hell, and Dr. Atkins himself is Satan's taint-waxer and ballsack sweat dauber.
Napped some more.
Dinner:
A burger made of ground lamb, garlic, red onion, fresh oregano and mint and some crumbled lamb's milk blue cheese. Side dish: A fistful of herbed olives.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Dinner
Salmon steaks with cajun seasonings
Broccoli rabe with garlic
Escargots (5)
Endnote: The escargots were actually LAND snails, not sea snails as I had thought. In lieu of the briney topnote I thought they'd have, they had an odd taste, like what garden soil must taste like on a rainy day, braced with butter, garlic and herbs.
So for those keeping track, SNAILS are on my short list of things I do not prefer to eat:
Lima beans
Kerala
Liver, kidneys, sweetbreads, or tripe
Snails
Broccoli rabe with garlic
Escargots (5)
Endnote: The escargots were actually LAND snails, not sea snails as I had thought. In lieu of the briney topnote I thought they'd have, they had an odd taste, like what garden soil must taste like on a rainy day, braced with butter, garlic and herbs.
So for those keeping track, SNAILS are on my short list of things I do not prefer to eat:
Lima beans
Kerala
Liver, kidneys, sweetbreads, or tripe
Snails
Day Eight Of The New Year
Rolled out of bed, brushed the teeth, bird-bathed and headed to my yoga instructor's home to give her a crash course on how to update her website I set up for her; and in return, she would give me a session devoted to stress and depression management and restorative back asanas. I took my time, answering all her questions.
I know I'll be back over there to assist. Her time is better spent doing the things she loves, rather than the administrative upkeep of her site. I'd be more than happy to be the administrator for her. She just has to say the word. It's no bother. To say she's functionally illiterate when it comes to file management and internet navigation is an understatement. Hey, we all have to start somewhere.
She gave me a good solid hour of one on one instruction and discussion. I long to have the eye bolts and harness she has in her studio, for a full inversion and traction at home. The restorative poses I benefitted from immediately. Very liberating and actually helped undo a little of the damage inflicted from yesterday's assault at the nail salon. Assault? Yep. It's the only way I can describe, succinctly, the "massage" I was on the receiving end of yesterday. It did more harm than good. I'll still need a visit to the chiro, but perhaps I won't be in as dire of straits when I finally get to see him.
With my instructor, I feel my most vulnerable, as I put it all out there; everything which is affecting me, eating at me, stressing me out, and contributing to my depression which is exacerbated by my hyperinsulinemia related to my PCOS. Like an onion, each of the unsavory layers was peeled back, to be discussed and analyzed.
I enjoyed the visit more than I thought I would, and that's saying a lot because I enjoy my time with my instructor, but I was hesitant as I got ready for the visit. Hesitant to go thru the asanas/postures. Not really sure what was holding me back. I'm glad I relented. Perhaps I did it just as much for her as much as for myself. Who knows. I just wish I could get past the obstacles I am putting up for myself, blocking my own joy.
As I departed, she suggested I pick up some books. Perhaps I'll Amazon the rest. We each gave each other homework; me, asanas to do at home to help with decompressing my stress and decompressing my back; her, noodling around with her website and try to become a little fearless about how things work.
I went for breakfast, a big garden omlette, bacon, whole wheat toast, coffee, water. I lingered over the Sunday paper; then it was off to Barnes and Noble to see if they had a particular book by Pema Chodron. Alas the book I was intent on getting was not there, and I got one of the books which were available as a substitute. In addition, I got an audio book, actually a box set which contains Lois P. Frankel's "Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office" and "Nice Girls Don't Get Rich."Hey, I am sure I am guilty of several of the 101 mistakes women make, and if I can correct even one and benefit from it, it was money well spent. The remaining book I got was my second book by Paramhansa Yogananda, "Why God Permits Evil and How to Rise Above It." The book selections bespeak practical and self-help.
I need to somehow or another carve out some quiet time for myself. While I was in a few of the poses, I felt almost in a state of suspended animation. Surreal and comforting at the same time.At the very least, I felt I was in good and compassionate company; not "alone," and "acknowledged."
I know I'll be back over there to assist. Her time is better spent doing the things she loves, rather than the administrative upkeep of her site. I'd be more than happy to be the administrator for her. She just has to say the word. It's no bother. To say she's functionally illiterate when it comes to file management and internet navigation is an understatement. Hey, we all have to start somewhere.
She gave me a good solid hour of one on one instruction and discussion. I long to have the eye bolts and harness she has in her studio, for a full inversion and traction at home. The restorative poses I benefitted from immediately. Very liberating and actually helped undo a little of the damage inflicted from yesterday's assault at the nail salon. Assault? Yep. It's the only way I can describe, succinctly, the "massage" I was on the receiving end of yesterday. It did more harm than good. I'll still need a visit to the chiro, but perhaps I won't be in as dire of straits when I finally get to see him.
With my instructor, I feel my most vulnerable, as I put it all out there; everything which is affecting me, eating at me, stressing me out, and contributing to my depression which is exacerbated by my hyperinsulinemia related to my PCOS. Like an onion, each of the unsavory layers was peeled back, to be discussed and analyzed.
I enjoyed the visit more than I thought I would, and that's saying a lot because I enjoy my time with my instructor, but I was hesitant as I got ready for the visit. Hesitant to go thru the asanas/postures. Not really sure what was holding me back. I'm glad I relented. Perhaps I did it just as much for her as much as for myself. Who knows. I just wish I could get past the obstacles I am putting up for myself, blocking my own joy.
As I departed, she suggested I pick up some books. Perhaps I'll Amazon the rest. We each gave each other homework; me, asanas to do at home to help with decompressing my stress and decompressing my back; her, noodling around with her website and try to become a little fearless about how things work.
I went for breakfast, a big garden omlette, bacon, whole wheat toast, coffee, water. I lingered over the Sunday paper; then it was off to Barnes and Noble to see if they had a particular book by Pema Chodron. Alas the book I was intent on getting was not there, and I got one of the books which were available as a substitute. In addition, I got an audio book, actually a box set which contains Lois P. Frankel's "Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office" and "Nice Girls Don't Get Rich."Hey, I am sure I am guilty of several of the 101 mistakes women make, and if I can correct even one and benefit from it, it was money well spent. The remaining book I got was my second book by Paramhansa Yogananda, "Why God Permits Evil and How to Rise Above It." The book selections bespeak practical and self-help.
I need to somehow or another carve out some quiet time for myself. While I was in a few of the poses, I felt almost in a state of suspended animation. Surreal and comforting at the same time.At the very least, I felt I was in good and compassionate company; not "alone," and "acknowledged."
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Day Four of the New Year
I'm back on Atkins. Or so my husband thinks. I've been "okay-to-eh" as far as observing it, keeping myself within 20 gm of carb daily. Today, I shot it to shit. I had whole wheat toast with my breakfast, total carb count: 30 gm. I'll be good the rest of the day. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'll keep myself hydrated, have a protein bar for lunch, and perhaps go to sleep when I get home and by-pass dinner. Formula for disaster. This I know.
Such is life for the polycystic fat woman.
Such is life for the polycystic fat woman.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
PCOS: My Testimonial
I do not make any claims to be a doctor, so all I am writing is stuff I have experienced or nuggets of information which I've collected along the way.
In 1998, I was diagnosed as having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I went to my osteopath after nearly a decade of suffering from symptoms which included: inability to lose weight, lethargy, depression, hirsuitism (excessive hair, including on the face), irregular menstruation, brown splotchy marks around my neck, underarms and between my legs. Some of the more clinical symptoms which I was unaware of include: hyper insulinemia (elevated insulin; "pre-diabetes" is the euphemism the medical field uses), elevated DHEA (hormone the adrenal glands put forth) and elevated testosterone.
Prior to this time, during the late 80s, I went to an endocrinologist to get to the root of my weight gain, which at the time was climbing at the rate of about 10-20 pounds each month for a good six months. After the first visit, this endo, "Dr. J.," put me (inaccurately) on Synthroid, for a perceived sluggish thyroid. Endocrinologists like this one should have his license revoked.
From what I have learned, PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women in their 30s. It is not something which can be "cured," but it can be managed. You will never "get rid of it," it is in your DNA, much like the color of your hair or eyes. You can't change it. You can only change how you live your life or how you perceive it.
The first couple of endocrinologists I encountered have put me on an assortment of medications for my "Insulin Resistance" (which simply means the body doesn't effectively use insulin--whether it is over or under produced) to include: Glucophage, Glucophage XR, Avandia, and finally Actos. While on Glucophage or Glucophage XR, I suffered embarrassing, explosive gastric problems,** regardless of when I took my medication (whether I took it with food, without food or right before bed). There was not a day that went by that I did not have to worry about "containment issues" while sneezing or coughing too hard.
[ED: ** The bulk of the gastric distress, after many tests failed to turn up anything more conclusive than "a side effect" of the IR meds, I decided one weekend to try to eliminate my coffee consumption. I switched to similar amounts of (caffeinated) tea, and my distress all but disappeared. I now drink coffee every other day, and not nearly as much as I once had.]
I was eventually put on Avandia, which was nice for a while; however, the honeymoon soon ended. In winter 2001, I experienced severe abdominal pains, so severe I ended up in the ER. After much prodding and Xrays, they determined it was related to the three stones in my gall bladder (of which I never had troubles with, and haven't had problems since. I decided on my own to discontinue the Avandia, and *mysteriously* the abdominal pains disappeared for good.
When I moved to New York in 2001, I eventually changed endocrinologists. "Dr. N" as I'll call him, was yet another *pawn* in the Glucophage pharmaceutical enslavement policy and insisted on putting me back on Glucophage, this time the "XR" variety, insisting I'll have different results. Nothing changed with this variety Glucophage and after plenty of exams later, nothing changed; so I changed endocrinologists.
I then started seeing "Dr. H.", who insisted on putting me on something for my insulin, and I insisted I did not want Glucophage or Avandia, and telling him rather graphically why I did not want it. He then asked what I wanted and I suggested Actos. I was on Actos for nearly a year, with no real side effects to speak of; however, I was unable to lose weight and in nearly a year, my body did not menstruate. At the time, I was only 34, and in my eyes, too young to be in menopause or even that "pre" menopause.
No one seemed too interested or concerned in my lack of menstruation except me. I had undergone several (IMHO) demeaning clinical tests. When I started seeing "Dr. H.," he did a thorough physical exam on me, IMHO very invasive as it was the first time I had an endocrinologist interested in seeing my vulva and clitoris.
Later on I would suffer thru several Ultrasounds/Sonograms both trans and INTRA vaginal, to determine if there were problems within the uterus which prevented me from menstruating. My "stripe" was perfect, nice and thick, so there was no reason why Aunt Flow wasn't coming to town.
I have had a wide range of clinical blood work and other exams to rule out a "pheochromocytoma" (simply put a cyst on my adrenal gland/s). My DHEA at the highest was in the 1200 range; normal should be between 50-400). My cortisol was perfect; if it were excessively low or high it would indicate something wrong with the adrenals. I had a CAT done of my abdomen, again, perfect.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack trying to decipher which of the hormones is driving my insulin to be too high.
I decided to go to a specialist in NYC whose bread and butter is PCOS and related syndromes. After taking perhaps the most THOROUGH medical history I've ever gone thru, and the vulva/clitoral exam again, I was sent home with a bunch of scrips for blood work to be done. The doctor praised me for having done my homework and having already put myself on a bunch of supplements to include: good multi vitamins, alpha lipoic acid, folic acid, grapeseed extract and milk thistle). He made the suggestion that going on an ACE inhibitor for my blood pressure would be better than what I was currently taking.
Back I went to "Dr. H.," who did not take the suggestion to change my blood pressure medication. He was too busy trying to use me for his next guinea pig experiment, this one was a dexamethasone suppression therapy, which means he injected me with some kind of steroid to stir up some kind of response with the adrenals. No response. Lord only knows what the end result will be on my body after all of these tests.
I went back to my osteopath in November 2003, and I asked him to put me on an ACE inhibitor, I suggested Accupril with an HCTZ diuretic, and asked him if after a month if it did not work for him to put me on Accupril and Spironolactone as a diuretic.
My PCP put me on a 12.5/25 dosage of Accuredic (which is Accupril & HCTZ combined), I experienced my first menstrual cycle in nearly a year. I am now taking 20/25 of Quinaretic (generic of Accuretic) and an evening pill of 20 of Quinipril (generic of Accupril). Two years later, I am still menstruating regularly, except for when I switched off Actos back to Metformin (Oct. 2005), as I would like to attempt to get pregnant.
As a result of the ACE inhibitor and having taken MYSELF off Actos, I have been on Atkins since April 2003, and I have dumped off close to 40 lbs (as of this date, 3/27/04), my blood pressure went from 150/90 to 120/70, and my cholesterol went from 204 to 180. I had an appointment scheduled for April 7, 2004, and will be undergoing a thorough physical exam. I should know with some level of certainty, if clinically, all of this has helped with my insulin resistance and other hormonal imbalances.
When I went to "Dr. H.," for the last time in February 2004, he did not seem too interested in my weight loss or the fact that my menstrual cycles resumed (to me that is an indicator that something hormonally is working right). And he sent me home with a two-month supply of Avandamet (a combo pill which contains both Glucophage and Avandia).
It was at that visit that I realized he did not seem too concerned with me and my health, and wanted to keep me a slave to the drug companies. To me, it is unacceptable to trade off one set of symptoms for an even more unpleasant set of side effects.
As of the 10th of November 2004, I went in for yet another series of ultra sounds, liver, pancreatic, kidney, heart, intra and trans vaginal. All looking for yet another needle in the haystack. It's got me concerned about what lies in store for me (ED note: In 2005 I was diagnosed with "fatty liver" syndrome, which is part and parcel of insulin resistance problems).
Going to check with my specialist about getting a copy of the pictures of my cystic ovaries so you can see what I'm dealing with.
Bad news tho! I weaned myself off a strict Atkins regimen (in 2004) because we thought I was sowing signs of gout (proteins won't flush out of my kidneys and I have a build up of uric acid). And the pain I was experiencing in my feet turned out not to be gout afterall. After a visit with an orthopedist confirmed I have two heel spurs on my left heel, one starting on my right, and the start of arthritis in one of my feet.
I am always seeking out as natural of remedies as I can, to be used concurrently with my prescriptions, both for blood pressure and insulin resistance control. If there is a homeopath or an aryuvedist out there reading this who can furnish more conclusive information on aryuvedic remedies (i.e. the benefits of Karela, "aka" Bitter Gourd/Bitter Melon), I invite them to leave a comment to this post.
I will be occasionally posting information or things I go thru related to my PCOS or other health issues to my Blog.
As of October 2005, my specialist put me back on Metformin, as I would like to attempt to conceive a child, and it is unknown the effects that Actos could potentially have on a fetus.
As of January 2006, I will be "jump starting" my system by going back on Atkins for several months, and eventually will wean myself back to a "lower glycemic" lifestyle. Living in America, as I do, "low glycemic" flies in the face of everything that's "convenient," or can be "eaten on the go." My mindset is one of an exercise in futility.
In 1998, I was diagnosed as having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I went to my osteopath after nearly a decade of suffering from symptoms which included: inability to lose weight, lethargy, depression, hirsuitism (excessive hair, including on the face), irregular menstruation, brown splotchy marks around my neck, underarms and between my legs. Some of the more clinical symptoms which I was unaware of include: hyper insulinemia (elevated insulin; "pre-diabetes" is the euphemism the medical field uses), elevated DHEA (hormone the adrenal glands put forth) and elevated testosterone.
Prior to this time, during the late 80s, I went to an endocrinologist to get to the root of my weight gain, which at the time was climbing at the rate of about 10-20 pounds each month for a good six months. After the first visit, this endo, "Dr. J.," put me (inaccurately) on Synthroid, for a perceived sluggish thyroid. Endocrinologists like this one should have his license revoked.
From what I have learned, PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women in their 30s. It is not something which can be "cured," but it can be managed. You will never "get rid of it," it is in your DNA, much like the color of your hair or eyes. You can't change it. You can only change how you live your life or how you perceive it.
The first couple of endocrinologists I encountered have put me on an assortment of medications for my "Insulin Resistance" (which simply means the body doesn't effectively use insulin--whether it is over or under produced) to include: Glucophage, Glucophage XR, Avandia, and finally Actos. While on Glucophage or Glucophage XR, I suffered embarrassing, explosive gastric problems,** regardless of when I took my medication (whether I took it with food, without food or right before bed). There was not a day that went by that I did not have to worry about "containment issues" while sneezing or coughing too hard.
[ED: ** The bulk of the gastric distress, after many tests failed to turn up anything more conclusive than "a side effect" of the IR meds, I decided one weekend to try to eliminate my coffee consumption. I switched to similar amounts of (caffeinated) tea, and my distress all but disappeared. I now drink coffee every other day, and not nearly as much as I once had.]
I was eventually put on Avandia, which was nice for a while; however, the honeymoon soon ended. In winter 2001, I experienced severe abdominal pains, so severe I ended up in the ER. After much prodding and Xrays, they determined it was related to the three stones in my gall bladder (of which I never had troubles with, and haven't had problems since. I decided on my own to discontinue the Avandia, and *mysteriously* the abdominal pains disappeared for good.
When I moved to New York in 2001, I eventually changed endocrinologists. "Dr. N" as I'll call him, was yet another *pawn* in the Glucophage pharmaceutical enslavement policy and insisted on putting me back on Glucophage, this time the "XR" variety, insisting I'll have different results. Nothing changed with this variety Glucophage and after plenty of exams later, nothing changed; so I changed endocrinologists.
I then started seeing "Dr. H.", who insisted on putting me on something for my insulin, and I insisted I did not want Glucophage or Avandia, and telling him rather graphically why I did not want it. He then asked what I wanted and I suggested Actos. I was on Actos for nearly a year, with no real side effects to speak of; however, I was unable to lose weight and in nearly a year, my body did not menstruate. At the time, I was only 34, and in my eyes, too young to be in menopause or even that "pre" menopause.
No one seemed too interested or concerned in my lack of menstruation except me. I had undergone several (IMHO) demeaning clinical tests. When I started seeing "Dr. H.," he did a thorough physical exam on me, IMHO very invasive as it was the first time I had an endocrinologist interested in seeing my vulva and clitoris.
Later on I would suffer thru several Ultrasounds/Sonograms both trans and INTRA vaginal, to determine if there were problems within the uterus which prevented me from menstruating. My "stripe" was perfect, nice and thick, so there was no reason why Aunt Flow wasn't coming to town.
I have had a wide range of clinical blood work and other exams to rule out a "pheochromocytoma" (simply put a cyst on my adrenal gland/s). My DHEA at the highest was in the 1200 range; normal should be between 50-400). My cortisol was perfect; if it were excessively low or high it would indicate something wrong with the adrenals. I had a CAT done of my abdomen, again, perfect.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack trying to decipher which of the hormones is driving my insulin to be too high.
I decided to go to a specialist in NYC whose bread and butter is PCOS and related syndromes. After taking perhaps the most THOROUGH medical history I've ever gone thru, and the vulva/clitoral exam again, I was sent home with a bunch of scrips for blood work to be done. The doctor praised me for having done my homework and having already put myself on a bunch of supplements to include: good multi vitamins, alpha lipoic acid, folic acid, grapeseed extract and milk thistle). He made the suggestion that going on an ACE inhibitor for my blood pressure would be better than what I was currently taking.
Back I went to "Dr. H.," who did not take the suggestion to change my blood pressure medication. He was too busy trying to use me for his next guinea pig experiment, this one was a dexamethasone suppression therapy, which means he injected me with some kind of steroid to stir up some kind of response with the adrenals. No response. Lord only knows what the end result will be on my body after all of these tests.
I went back to my osteopath in November 2003, and I asked him to put me on an ACE inhibitor, I suggested Accupril with an HCTZ diuretic, and asked him if after a month if it did not work for him to put me on Accupril and Spironolactone as a diuretic.
My PCP put me on a 12.5/25 dosage of Accuredic (which is Accupril & HCTZ combined), I experienced my first menstrual cycle in nearly a year. I am now taking 20/25 of Quinaretic (generic of Accuretic) and an evening pill of 20 of Quinipril (generic of Accupril). Two years later, I am still menstruating regularly, except for when I switched off Actos back to Metformin (Oct. 2005), as I would like to attempt to get pregnant.
As a result of the ACE inhibitor and having taken MYSELF off Actos, I have been on Atkins since April 2003, and I have dumped off close to 40 lbs (as of this date, 3/27/04), my blood pressure went from 150/90 to 120/70, and my cholesterol went from 204 to 180. I had an appointment scheduled for April 7, 2004, and will be undergoing a thorough physical exam. I should know with some level of certainty, if clinically, all of this has helped with my insulin resistance and other hormonal imbalances.
When I went to "Dr. H.," for the last time in February 2004, he did not seem too interested in my weight loss or the fact that my menstrual cycles resumed (to me that is an indicator that something hormonally is working right). And he sent me home with a two-month supply of Avandamet (a combo pill which contains both Glucophage and Avandia).
It was at that visit that I realized he did not seem too concerned with me and my health, and wanted to keep me a slave to the drug companies. To me, it is unacceptable to trade off one set of symptoms for an even more unpleasant set of side effects.
As of the 10th of November 2004, I went in for yet another series of ultra sounds, liver, pancreatic, kidney, heart, intra and trans vaginal. All looking for yet another needle in the haystack. It's got me concerned about what lies in store for me (ED note: In 2005 I was diagnosed with "fatty liver" syndrome, which is part and parcel of insulin resistance problems).
Going to check with my specialist about getting a copy of the pictures of my cystic ovaries so you can see what I'm dealing with.
Bad news tho! I weaned myself off a strict Atkins regimen (in 2004) because we thought I was sowing signs of gout (proteins won't flush out of my kidneys and I have a build up of uric acid). And the pain I was experiencing in my feet turned out not to be gout afterall. After a visit with an orthopedist confirmed I have two heel spurs on my left heel, one starting on my right, and the start of arthritis in one of my feet.
I am always seeking out as natural of remedies as I can, to be used concurrently with my prescriptions, both for blood pressure and insulin resistance control. If there is a homeopath or an aryuvedist out there reading this who can furnish more conclusive information on aryuvedic remedies (i.e. the benefits of Karela, "aka" Bitter Gourd/Bitter Melon), I invite them to leave a comment to this post.
I will be occasionally posting information or things I go thru related to my PCOS or other health issues to my Blog.
As of October 2005, my specialist put me back on Metformin, as I would like to attempt to conceive a child, and it is unknown the effects that Actos could potentially have on a fetus.
As of January 2006, I will be "jump starting" my system by going back on Atkins for several months, and eventually will wean myself back to a "lower glycemic" lifestyle. Living in America, as I do, "low glycemic" flies in the face of everything that's "convenient," or can be "eaten on the go." My mindset is one of an exercise in futility.
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