It's a bit of a TL; DR. Cliffnotes: I hurt myself, and might be in an existential crisis.
On
Sunday I re-injured my shoulder. The same shoulder I injured 5+ years ago,
which sent me down the rabbit hole of trying to find a physiatrist, after
physiatrist, and physical therapy after physical therapy. Recently, I finally
got to the point of realizing no amount of therapy was going to help things,
and the issues died down a bit, though I still have had persistent golfers and
tennis elbow in both elbows for 5+ years, and the shoulder tendinopathy has
persisted, but manageable. And Sunday I fucked that all up by trying to do too
much and not rest or acknowledge to myself that I have limits.
If
I don't rest, my body will find a way to just shut down, and it did, in
spectacularly painful fashion. While, yes, it was me and my neediness and my
damned ego and pride to blame. But beyond this, YES, I'll blame this on my mom.
I've connected the dots quite effectively, and did so in Tuesday's session, and
Tuesday's session was all talk because I couldn't write and participate in this
week's exercise.
The
topic involved my shoulder injury, actually. I told my therapist two distinct
stories involving my mom:
1. On my wedding
day she showed up at the wedding location and announced to everyone present
(including M’s family members and college buddies) how M was marrying me
"for the green card." I told my therapist the subtext from this is: I
am not valuable enough to marry a man younger than me, handsome, educated, and
upwardly mobile WITHOUT him having ulterior motives.
2. (At a time
well before I put up boundaries of what I'd tell my mom) When I was applying
for a job at a Court Clerk's Office, she informed me, "Whatever you do,
don't tell them how much you love giving head!" (she then commenced laughing
like a lunatic). The subtext from this is: I am not valuable enough to land
a job of that status and standing on my own merits and capabilities WITHOUT
debasing myself.
Only
recently have I become aware that I have a hole in my being or my psyche, a
hole that should have been filled with self-esteem, the seeds of which SHOULD
have been planted by my mother, and here I am, age 50, trying to figure out how
to fill that hole myself--and realizing I lack the tools to do so.
Messages
I have been sent my entire life involve how I only have value as long as I am
doing something for someone else--all external sources--nothing from within. And
as much as I do not consider myself a “people pleaser,” yet it was that very thing
which led me to injuring my shoulder.
So
how does my injury play into this faulty logic or dynamic?
I
foolishly thought that I got fulfillment (or something thereabouts) by taking
care of M by way of providing him nourishment. Yet, I’m realizing now, 18 years
into this marriage he's not filling that hole in my psyche by nourishing ME
with feedback. What little feedback he gives (if at all), falls into this deep
hole, an abyss, and just evaporates--his feedback will never be enough to fill
that hole, and I realize how unreasonable it is for me to expect it.
I am realizing my illusion/delusion involving my relationship with
food and fulfillment. I am realizing now that if I am not experiencing
fulfillment in regards to taking care of M, then I have zero fulfillment in my
life. And somehow I can intellectualize this without emotion, without tears. I
have too much to do and lack the luxury of time for tears.
TIMELINE
OF EVENTS LEADING TO MY INJURY:
Saturday
was a flurry of errands: drop off car at Honda, then take an Uber to physical
therapy, then an Uber to my chiropractor, then an Uber to get a massage, then
walk to Honda to pick up car. At this point, I *SHOULD* have gone home to rest
up, yet still managed to continue running every errand still remaining on my
list for that day: Vitamin Shoppe (this counts as self-care, IMHO, because it
was for tryptophan to help my unyielding sleep problems), then Korean market
for groceries, then Trader Joes for some things I can only get there--only to
realize one of the vital things were not in stock, then lastly, to Sam's Club
to pick up M's Rx.
Sunday,
I got up at 9 a.m., and was on my feet in the kitchen cutting vegetables and
getting things started for Sunday’s lunch and dinner, as well as lining up the
week's worth of meals. I finally sat down for a moment (after 4 hours) to ice
down my feet, as my feet were BEYOND hurting, and then I recommenced vegetable cutting
and planning and plating things up and getting organized for the week.
2:30
a.m. MONDAY, I woke out of a sound sleep in utter agony. The shoulder tendinopathy
pain which has plagued me for about 5-6 years at this point, amped up to an
unbearable level. I started to sob in agony; however, I realized couldn't even
sob in response, as I realized sobbing only intensified the pain.
By
5 a.m., I forced myself out of bed, in
search of ibuprofen and in search of my TENS unit, which M decided to squirrel
away. So in pain, I had to go on a scavenger hunt. I sat in my chair using the
TENS, and feeling like a zombie.
Monday,
I forced myself to go to work, and as the day went on, I could lift my arm less
and less. At one point, I got very worried, and thought for a hot second that I might have had a stroke.
Tuesday
was more of the same. Tuesday morning, I emailed P4.0, asking if she could
phone in an Rx for muscle relaxants, Tuesday afternoon, I took a late lunch and
went to my chiropractor (again), who spent over an hour doing everything he
could to alleviate my suffering. I'd be lost without him, by the way. I went
back to the office to wrap some things up, and then went to my session with my
therapist. I picked up M, and went home and realized I couldn't take my
clothing off, as it required to be pulled up over my head. I sat there
trembling in agony, and I couldn’t control myself further and sobbed until I
snotted myself.
Wednesday
I called out sick from work. I managed to drop M off at the train, and then I
took myself to get breakfast--driving my car one handed. I then went to the
Korean market for a few items I absolutely needed.
Then went home to realize M scrubbed the tub (before going to work), so I could
take a hot bath and soak. I ran a bath and called my physical therapist to see
if I could come in earlier than my 6:40 appointment--they
fit me in for 2:40 instead.
After
the bath, I sat in the chair for several hours, resting, and alternating TENS
and EMS on my neck and shoulders. I managed to get myself dressed, and went to
Sam's Club as my blood pressure Rx was ready, and I was down to 2 more doses in
my existing bottle and needed to pick it up, otherwise I'd have to make a
lunchtime run there on Friday when I would be completely OUT of pills, and would have
caused a logistical headache to pick up the Rx during lunch.
I
managed to go to physical therapy, and then I picked up my new reading glasses,
and talked myself out of the impulse to go back to Sam's Club for a rotisserie chicken
(mind you, it's 2/10th of a mile from my house, my street literally ends where
Sam's is). I did what I needed to do, and just went home to rest for another
hour or two before I had to retrieve M from the train station.
So,
even on a day that should have been complete rest, I still managed to do four errands/tasks,
not including taking that hot soak.
What
people might possibly see on my exterior is someone who is strong or resilient;
however, in my interior, I am resentful and angry and exhausted and feel weak with
this unending series of painful challenges.
Thursday
I felt the tiniest bit better, and went to the office, and the director
acknowledged my existence (or specifically, my absence the day before), and
asked how I was doing.
My
chiropractor texted me to see how I was doing—as he is the only one who really
knows to what level I was in crisis. Given his schedule for the next week is
going to be demanding, he was able to fit me in for another treatment Thursday
night.
Here
it is Friday, and I’m able to lift my arm a wee bit more than I could all week—and
even manage to pull my pants up with my left arm. I’m not 100% back to where I
was before, but there has been some improvement.
And
it was a good thing I picked up my Rx on Wednesday—remember what I said about
logistical headache? Well, today (Friday), I will be picking up my orthotics
during lunch. Had I opted out of doing so on Wednesday, that would have meant
going 2.5 more days without the orthotics until Monday’s flurry of appointments
and running around.
