What I refer to as "remiss" in taking my Lexapro every day, has a technical term: "noncompliant."
Up until last night I was about 2-3 days non-compliant.
Last night he "treated me" to dinner. So we drove out of our way. I'm famished. Muttering to myself, "holy fuck am I hungry" over and over (because he INSISTED on packing my lunch--of course too light in the calories for me, leaving me totally empty and my sugar bottoming out)... until he venomously flipped out as if I am nothing but a complaining gadfly, and it was like this surge of heat forming a fist from his tongue to my solar plexus. I could hardly park the car fast enough before I started sobbing uncontrollably.
Lately, all I am able to say to myself over and over again like those silly chanty things folks say to themselves when they get so overwrought they talk to themselves all snotted up and upset... I don't want to be married anymore.
He flips out about when I make a statement about how hungry I am, or if I'm exhausted... which I am constantly thanks to the topamax... imagine if I let loose.... I mean really let loose about all the injustices I've experienced in this life. The biggest one, I'm afraid, is being married to a man who doesn't love me unconditionally.
I don't know if he's capable of it actually.
If he's not I don't know what to think of that, either.
But I do know enough to realize it won't be solved with another husband.
The idea of cutting and running, cutting my losses and enjoying what is left of my life while I'm still young... I'm past the point of running.
I await death.
