I figure I better jot my thoughts down now while I am thinking of it, or else the ambivalence will creep in and I won't give a fuck, and the thoughts will be lost in the ether... or the thick trap of molasses which is where all my thoughts and emotions and intentions seem to go these days.
Without fail, I have been taking my 25 mg of Topamax daily, which was dispensed for my chronic low back pain. And just when I thought it was starting to help, my husband and I went on vacation and within the span of the first 24 hours of our trip, I felt like it set me back so much pain-wise, it'll take me a while just to get back to where I was.
And I do believe it was helping, to a degree, but there's a cost attached to this. I will try my best to articulate this. This medication makes me paranoid, and just when the paranoia starts to crest, the ambivalence kicks in, and then I just stop giving a fuck, and the paranoia is beaten into submission for a while. This is a constant ebb and flow.
I am someone who lives with melancholy or dysthymia. I will say categorically this medication has not helped AT ALL in this department, if anything, it has made me just want to die. Sure, suicidal ideation abounds, but no compulsion to act on the thoughts.
And yet, in other ways, stress has been lessened. At work, I don't know. It seems "different." I wouldn't say warm and fuzzy, but definitely I feel differently at the office. Sure, I still don't want to be here, but I find myself a bit more outgoing at the office than has been my norm for the last 12 years. I'm definitely more relaxed here.
My neurologist is the one who prescribed the topamax for me; however, my endocrinologist thinks we might have figured out what is driving my cortisol and dhea imbalance, and it looks like the culprit is my chronic pain issues. Chronic pain = stress and chronic stress = spikes in cortisol which then = hypertension issues. Nearly one month into this experiment, and my bp registered 126/62, then 122/70 at the second reading. The suspicion is the pain cycle contributing to the hypertension.
My thoughts get trapped in the mire, a thick molasses trap in my brain. My intentions suffer from the ambivalence. All I want to do is sleep. The medication has taken away my drive to do a lot of things with verve. I no longer have this insatiable desire to cook or crochet, and most nights I find I am dozing off in front of the t.v. within an hour after dinner. All I want to do is sleep.
Another side effect: I find my fingertips and tips of my toes to be numb. They feel numb like callouses, but I don't have thick callouses. And I feel a similar weirdness on my lips, slight, but it's there.
This week was my period. And while I did not have a migraine, yesterday I might as well HAVE had one. I felt out of control. Miserable. Achey. Head hurt, but not quite a migraine. So let's just say it did nothing to stave that off. And I was afraid to take a Frova while at work, thinking it might incapacitate me. And I was afraid to take an Allegra until I spoke to my pharmacist--seasonal allergies are also in play this week.
So I'm rambling. Time to end this post.
Without fail, I have been taking my 25 mg of Topamax daily, which was dispensed for my chronic low back pain. And just when I thought it was starting to help, my husband and I went on vacation and within the span of the first 24 hours of our trip, I felt like it set me back so much pain-wise, it'll take me a while just to get back to where I was.
And I do believe it was helping, to a degree, but there's a cost attached to this. I will try my best to articulate this. This medication makes me paranoid, and just when the paranoia starts to crest, the ambivalence kicks in, and then I just stop giving a fuck, and the paranoia is beaten into submission for a while. This is a constant ebb and flow.
I am someone who lives with melancholy or dysthymia. I will say categorically this medication has not helped AT ALL in this department, if anything, it has made me just want to die. Sure, suicidal ideation abounds, but no compulsion to act on the thoughts.
And yet, in other ways, stress has been lessened. At work, I don't know. It seems "different." I wouldn't say warm and fuzzy, but definitely I feel differently at the office. Sure, I still don't want to be here, but I find myself a bit more outgoing at the office than has been my norm for the last 12 years. I'm definitely more relaxed here.
My neurologist is the one who prescribed the topamax for me; however, my endocrinologist thinks we might have figured out what is driving my cortisol and dhea imbalance, and it looks like the culprit is my chronic pain issues. Chronic pain = stress and chronic stress = spikes in cortisol which then = hypertension issues. Nearly one month into this experiment, and my bp registered 126/62, then 122/70 at the second reading. The suspicion is the pain cycle contributing to the hypertension.
My thoughts get trapped in the mire, a thick molasses trap in my brain. My intentions suffer from the ambivalence. All I want to do is sleep. The medication has taken away my drive to do a lot of things with verve. I no longer have this insatiable desire to cook or crochet, and most nights I find I am dozing off in front of the t.v. within an hour after dinner. All I want to do is sleep.
Another side effect: I find my fingertips and tips of my toes to be numb. They feel numb like callouses, but I don't have thick callouses. And I feel a similar weirdness on my lips, slight, but it's there.
This week was my period. And while I did not have a migraine, yesterday I might as well HAVE had one. I felt out of control. Miserable. Achey. Head hurt, but not quite a migraine. So let's just say it did nothing to stave that off. And I was afraid to take a Frova while at work, thinking it might incapacitate me. And I was afraid to take an Allegra until I spoke to my pharmacist--seasonal allergies are also in play this week.
So I'm rambling. Time to end this post.
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