Holiday Jeer

It is pretty difficult to try to move forward with my grief process, when I am reminded regularly of mom's legacy to me. In this case, her legacy to me is loneliness. She sabotaged most of my relationships, and since her death, I have only seen my siblings and mom's sister at two funerals.

I'm smart enough to know that while the loneliness is real, it does warp the emotions too. Between mom's death and whatever damage she did talking shit about me to others, I know that what I am lonely for is the ILLUSION of family I once had.

My relationship with my sister is an occasional call--in this case, when we spoke on Xmas eve, it had been four months since we last spoke. My brother and I texted each other "Merry Christmas," and that's the extent of that. And regarding my aunt? Radio silence, though the last time I heard from her, she randomly texted me out of concern because of flooding in my village this past summer. 

I don't hear from any of my direct first cousins, and I am in touch with a handful of mom's first cousins, but I guess they're in the safe zone because mom didn't have much to do with her dad's side of the family. I'm fortunate for those relationships, but they're at a safe distance.

This year I didn't proactively send out holiday cards. And due to a health issue, I didn't do up my usual holiday cookie baking extravaganza, so our mantel has a handful of cards. I didn't even put up a tree. 

We are still avoiding crowds and taking precautions against COVID. My sister caught it again; dad's sister caught it again. But let's face it, everyone who isn't masking are a vector for infection. 

I thought I'd be intrepid enough to go to the movies (with an N95), only to discover that the last of the three cinemas near us closed in October. 

"New Normal" = the rest of the world is going about their business as if it were 2018, meanwhile I'm still limiting what I do out of concern--and even more so now that I've been diagnosed with a DVT.

Still feeling the weight of mom's death and the covid isolation, and it feels too similar to rejection and abandonment.