Day 315

Wild to think that I am now at say #315 since my last day in the office. 

Six days ago was the anniversary of the cruel annual evaluation, which prompted me to consider an early retirement as it became obvious to me that no matter what my efforts were, I would never get the validation that I sought from my immediate supervisor and bureau chief so 315 days ago was my last day in the office concluding 22 years of service to the state of New York. It was not ideal. I paid a penalty on my pension in order to do so however, every day that goes by, I am convinced it was a solid decision. I walked away with my pension and my medical insurance, but this was not part of the plan I had in mind for my retirement.

 I am experiencing this residual resentment that I was driven to do this in order to escape what became an increasingly more toxic work environment.

So what have I been up to since the last blog post? I have been continuing to chip away at things on my to do list and a big thing or list of things on my to do list is to try to reverse course and reverse whatever damage has occurred within the last five years since the advent of COVID-19, namely, dump the 40 pounds that I gained and trying to improve my mobility.

I started Zepbound seven weeks ago, and this is on top of my antidepressant which was accomplishing the initial goal that I set out which was to no longer sob silently & uncontrollably at my desk at work and since I am no longer at work in a toxic work environment, which was a never-ending trigger for the sobbing, as well as the existential dread residual grief over losing my mom to covid, as well as losing a very dear friend of mine to cancer, the physical and psychological challenges were becoming too much for me to handle  maintaining a job where my efforts were not appreciated, and it became an increasingly unsafe environment for me both physically and psychologically. Psychologically,  it drove me to the point of seeking out a Neuro psychological evaluation in 2022 when I was recovering from a total hip replacement after the evaluation, I got a proper diagnosis of CPTSD. I got myself a nurse practitioner who handled prescribing the antidepressant we went through genetic testing to help identify possible new medications for us to try as I had several failures in the past in regards to medicine and I was on Trintellix for now almost 3 years.

Unbeknownst to me, the Trintellix carries with it a risk for pancreatitis, and since roughly November or December of this past year, I have been experiencing what I figured was just low level discomfort on the left side of my abdomen into the mix.

Seven weeks ago,  I started Zepbound, and things just got even more intense. I sought out my gastroenterologist to quarterback this much like a quarterback to my crisis in 2021,  and he drew blood and my amylase and pancreatic enzymes both are elevated so I discontinued my Trintellix, of which I was on the lowest dose anyway, easy enough for me to do, discontinue that and as I waited for my primary care physician or Gastro to get back to me in regards to the Zepbound, I held off on this week‘s injection thinking surely it’s gotta be playing into the dynamic as well.

Today 5/16/25, I went for an upper abdomen CT scan. I believe the scavenger hunt we are on right now is to rule out pancreatitis I’m convinced that’s what’s going on so hopefully by Monday or Tuesday I will have some kind of information in regards to that and sadly this just proves to me that no matter what medicine is provided to me that will promise me weight loss. There is always a high price to be paid and in this case, I do not foresee myself being able to stay on the zip bound and rather than look at this as yet one more failure, I am looking at this as OK. We crossed this off on our to do list. The insurance probably would not have paid for me to go for a revision on my bypass until or unless we tried other measures, and the Zepbound was other measure so hopefully this brings me one step closer to the possibility of getting a revision on my bypass so that I can get myself back on track and lose the weight that I gained during Covid.

I am continuing with chiropractic and acupuncture as far as pain management in November. I had an epidural on my spine to help regarding the reticulopathy and other issues with my spine and did not offer up much in the way of relief next week. I have a follow up epidural planned with a different approach and hopefully that will bring me one step closer to some kind of relief. Otherwise there’s always going to be a surgical intervention as a possible thing to try after this in the event that the epidural fails all this is  get myself moving and doing the things that I want to do for as long as I’m able.

The guiding force in my life is the question. What would Ann do? and once I ascertain what it is that she would do in a similar situation, m I then decide to do the direct opposite and continue to advocate for myself. 

The last thing I want to do is be a burden on my husband and live in isolated life like she did handicapped and imprisoned in the body that she just allowed to go off the rails, expecting and demanding that others take care of her, in spite of the fact that she did the bare minimum as a mother. 

The 5 year anniversary of her death was 12 days ago, and I wish I could say that my grief journey has turned a corner; however, it hasn’t. Covid19 is still here, mutating & contagious as ever. Maybe once we get some sterilizing vaccines my grief might improve, at least to take me out of this heightened vigilant state I have been in since the shut down in 2020. Covid was a huge trigger for my C-PTSD. 

That being said, my simmering rage continues, rage towards mom directly for the long list of creative ways she undermined me and abused me (and my siblings), and indirectly for the status of Covid19, and here we are five years later and not much has been done—so similar to AIDS in the 1980s. Most people have moved o & want to get back to life and their super spreaders and their bottomless mimosa brunches and shrug their shoulders at the 1 Million+ US Americans that died due to Covid—assuming they think of the dead at all.