Things Tentatively On My To Do List

Even though here in NY, things are opening up gradually, until there is a vaccination available, I'm reluctant to head into NYC for anything. Even here in the 'burbs, even though masks are required to be worn in shared public spaces like grocery stores, people are complacent and selfish, and mask wearing compliance isn't what I'd deem even remotely close to 100%.

There are many shitty things to associate with the pandemic, and exposing the true nature of other humans has been, unfortunate and quite enlightening. I hate just about everyone.

Another shitty thing is our inability to make any real plans. Vacations seem almost impractical and absurd--yet, I am so exhausted, I need a break. Making doctor appointments seems out of the realm of possibility too. If I am forced to go, I could presumably DRIVE, but I've never driven to NYC, and usually take the train. I'd have to search out parking garages or on street parking, and hope for the best. 

That all being said, for my own notes, I am crafting this to do list of potential doctors I need to see, but at this point, it might be early 2021 before it happens:

1. Kidney Guy (regular follow up appointment & vaccinations)
2. Endocrinologist (establish as a new patient; and follow up U/S for thyroid nodules)
3. Hematologist (get to the bottom of my anemia)
4. Neuro Ophthalmologist (regular follow up appointment)

I have triaged everything else. I see Mt. Sinai is opening a new office at 331 Central Park Avenue in Scarsdale, so I might check in September to see if any of the names of the doctors is familiar to me so I might save myself a trip into Manhattan.

The rheumatologist I was seeing last year is being forced into retirement, and I'm less than enthused about starting with yet another rheumatologist, when it doesn't appear as if my joint and other pains are rheumatological in nature. 

As an aside, I did mention in my previous post about how I haven't had a therapist since September 2019. I did manage to do an effective Google search to find the practice where my previous therapist ended up. I called and left a voicemail last week, and have yet to receive a response. 

Four Months Later

Two weeks after my previous post, life as we all know it, changed. 

3/10 Maharajah's office started working remotely, and a week later, my office followed suit. I volunteered to work as part of a skeleton crew. I got a couple days into it when I received the first of what would be two emails informing me that a coworker (on another floor) tested positive for COVID19. The office closed down for two weeks, they had a sanitizing crew come in and I worked another couple of days before the second email came through saying another co-worker tested positive.

Fortunately, so far, no one else has come up positive, and I have been working all this time. At first it was 2 hours a day 3 days a week; then 4 hours a day 3 days a week, then 4 hours every day, staggering mornings and afternoons every other day.

By the beginning of April, my mom was alerted that COVID19 was in the nursing home; she knew it before the official notification came through, as everyone in her wing was dying of it. One by one, each person died, by the end of March, the woman in the next room over and then the person across the hall were taken to the hospital (to die), THEN mom's roommate. She was terrified, and yet our conversations were weirdly NORMAL.

When I spoke with her, I said that I hoped when she was sick in February, that I hoped it wsan't the flu, and we both doubted it was the flu. I hoped that she had some kind of immunity--despite the fact of the abundance of comorbidities she had which would make surviving it unlikely.

It's a blur. I don't remember if my last conversation was April 17th or the 24th. The staff at the nursing home were over-burdened as people were out sick or otherwise not showing up. There were two aides to care for, then, 63 residents. Despite calling the nurse's station and trying to get help so that someone could get mom's cell phone and bring it near her so I could talk to her, that never happened. There were no final goodbyes. My last goodbye was just what I'd call an ordinary goodbye. The last time I saw her was December. 

On top of the nursing home's negligence, the "hospice" came in precisely once, I am not even sure what they did as I wasn't the medical PoA, but they came in once, and from what I can tell as a spectator, they neglected her until she died.

We were told she'd die in 3 days, and she lived 11 days, 8 days beyond their prediction. For me, it was two weeks of radio silence. Mom was no longer alert and able to make or receive phone calls. Before they sedated her with morphine and ativan, she frantic and screaming for my father who died in 2008. She was terrified. And it takes a lot of fortitude for me to type this out without sobbing in anguish.

5/4 Mom died.

5/15 she was finally cremated.
6/7 We were rushed by my sister's church as well as mom's sister to bury mom's ashes, rather than wait until the end of the summer when it might be safer to do so, so then we'd be able to comfort one another and share in the burden of grief, and perhaps share a meal as a family. But no. I was robbed of that. 

On top of my anger about how mom was neglected by Shady Pines, then the hospice, I'm angry at my aunt for rushing things according to HER schedule. She could easily have had a memorial mass at her church, no one was stopping her from doing that. Instead, we were rushed to bury the remains. There were no hugs. There were no condolences. The whole thing has been more to bear. 

There is also this lingering suspicion of what awful things she told others about me, as I am now persona-non-grata with the extended family (on mom's mom's side), as I have only heard from one cousin from that side of the family--the rest have been silent. No card. Not even a text. They've all abandoned me how they surely must think I abandoned her--it doesn't matter if she abandoned me or was otherwise emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive to me.

From a medical and self-care standpoint, I have had to triage everything. All my doctors, or the ones I will call the important ones: internist, gyno, kidney guy, cardiologist, neuro ophthalmologist are all in NYC. And NYC was hit harder than where I live 40 minutes north of NYC. All my routine check ups and appointments have been postponed indefinitely until things even out. Even as I type this right now, it looks like NY has finally leveled off. But I won't feel comfortable about going into NYC for any appointments until a vaccine has been developed.

This is also a helluva time to be "flying without a net" without a therapist. I haven't found a new therapist since Kerry went onto greener pastures last September--it also doesn't help that our insurance plan this year sucks moose balls with it's $6200 deductible that had to be met before they will cover things at 80%, assuming I find providers that are "in-network." And with mom no longer being physically here, I wonder how much more work I need to do. I can't put my finger on it, but I still need more work to be done, though at this point it's "damage control," finding healthier conflict resolution skills and coping mechanisms.

Right now, I'm just left with a tremendous amount of cognitive dissonance regarding my mom: knowing how she abused me and my siblings (and dad, too); and knowing how she was abused too, and me wanting better for her than she was willing to fight for herself.

According to my notes, April 22 was the last menstrual cycle I had, right around when the calls to/from mom stopped. Coincidentally I've stopped menstruating. My mom died. Is this when I officially become/became an adult?
 

Three Months Later

Wow! Hard to believe it's been three whole months since my last post. Plenty going on, as usual.

In December I started seeing a chiropractor who was also a functional medicine doctor, and despite the fact I started seeing him primarily for active release therapy/technique, he spent the majority of my seven sessions (the initial consultation plus six sessions) bullying me and ranting about how I refuse to go gluten free and dairy free. Mind you--there was no rapport--how does he expect me to build up any trust in him as a health care provider if all he's going to do is rant about what I'm not doing--and of course, conveniently overlook all the things I did manage to alter. My suspicion is, that his primary focus seems to be a clientele who are high performance athlete. Let's just say, I'm NOT his target clientele. After six sessions of being bullied directly (as well as being subjected to his political rants), I decided this was not a good fit for me personally.

In December I also managed to see a new rheumatologist for yet another rheumatological screening--and he was quite thorough and was testing all kinds of things, even things my previous endocrinologist (the one who retired in December 2017) would test. 

I was really impressed with how thorough he was and how easy it was for us to build up a rapport. Only problem is when I saw him in January, I was informed the hospital is trying to get him to retire (he's only in his early 70s, and not ready yet). Looks like the hospital is trying to get an infusion of young blood, and aren't all that concerned with the patients this doctor treats. I have one more appointment with him (in April) and I hope to get some kind of conclusive diagnosis--my suspicion is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome--as I have a collection of seemingly unrelated issues, yet when I connect the dots, it brings me back to EDS.  I hope when I see him, he'll suggest I get genetic testing--and whether I get that done or not will hinge directly on how much the % insurance will cover, as Maharajah's plan changed this year and it is utter garbage--I'm pretty much hemorrhaging money this year with our high deductible.

Undaunted, I found another chiropractor for the active release therapy, and I have been getting treatments weekly. This will be the sixth week, and between this and a kenalog injection I had (right into my psoas bursa), I am walking better, able to dismount from a chair better, and climb stairs better--at least the lifting of the leg, but not the "push off" movement. I am allowing myself a total of 12 visits to get everything "dealt with." Doc Handy (as I'll call him herein) is great.

Doc Handy thinks I should set up a blog regarding my affinity for diet supplements--but I don't know where to start. I am not certified in anything, whether nutraceutical or nutrition related, I only know I am my own best case study and I know what works for me and my collection of issues.

My acupuncturist thinks I should set up a YouTube channel with affiliate links for the same topic--supplements.

And my rheumatologist thinks I could do this even without any type of professional certifications.

This is clearly something I want to do for a living, as it helps me, and a bunch of my friends have sought my advice, I dispensed my advice, and it has made impacts in their lives--now that's something truly lovely--fulfillment in helping others!

If anyone reading this has any suggestions regarding potential paths for me to take (online certification courses regarding supplementation, or a nutritionist certification course or something I have yet to articulate which will help me in this endeavor--please leave a comment. 

Short of this, I'm considering finding an ND (naturopathic doctor) locally (if they exist nearby), schedule a consult to see if they would be up to the task to be my internist, and or whether they can help me on my path to helping others. 

In the meantime, things at the Salt Mine continue to change and erode, and never, of course, in a good way. Last Monday, I applied for a job at a civil rights organization and I am hoping when I get hired (see? I'm trying to remain positive with the WHEN, not IF), that this will be a bridge job, something to pay my bills (and make a tangible impact in the lives of others, too, hopefully), and will bridge the time between now and whenever I am able to finally make the transition into what I believe is patient advocacy regarding consulting with them more thoroughly about their current medications, health issues, and trouble shooting any possible vitamin/mineral deficiencies.

Last Monday, I not only sent in my application and resume, but I also had an automated phone screening--so I'm hoping and waiting for the next step--the face-to-face interview. I need to dust off my prepared scripts I generated in previous years--and start reading up a bit more on this new organization, to ask specific questions during the interview.

I am using the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction with the words I choose. The job would be close to a 6% pay cut, but the commute is shorter--and by shorter, I mean shorter by 200 paces--it literally is at a halfway point between where I park my car and my current office building. I literally can see the building from where I park my car. I've been doing a lot of visualization and planning. I've taken the time to empty my desk out of anything extraneous or non-essential, purging out old stuff--so it's like a spring cleaning of sorts, and I'm setting up a big 3-ring binder of stuff for whomever will become my replacement--something which was not done prior to me landing this job nearly 18 years ago. 

So, I think while I have a wee bit of a lag today, I'm going to do a quick search for NDs, and I'm also going to set up my reference page, in anticipation of a face-to-face interview.  

Mondays are my least favorite day of the week--and I'm trying to change that.

I hope you're having a good day.

One Full Month Sans Therapist

For the first time in close to ten years, I am without a therapist. From January until the end of September, I was in CBT, and I believe made some progress. 

CBT deals with problems I have currently; however, I believe I would have been better served undergoing Schema therapy for all the old stuff that's been programmed and entrenched in me from childhood, as I am very triggered by familiar behaviors--and at the moment, I've come to the conclusion that I have more issues with women than men, and for the most part, women who are older than I am, either old enough to be an older sister, a young aunt, or old enough to be my mother. 

Thanks to my shitty childhood programming, I am sure I have a combination of schemas programmed into me, but I'd say my primary ones are fear of failure, abandonment, and rejection.  Additionally, I'm generally distrustful of those who I SHOULD trust (parents, family, and some close friends), and I believe my attachment style is anxious-avoidant.

I've been listening to all sorts of podcasts regarding rejection schemas, and CBT, and recovery from narcissistic abuse, as well as podcasts that might help inspire or motive me to leave this shitty job. 

Given the fact Maharajah's medical insurance will be changing come January, I don't know at this point whether it will cover counseling services/therapy. So I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it in two months. 

Meanwhile, I am still keeping up a brisk schedule of twice weekly acupuncture appointments, twice monthly chiropractic appointments, and trying to minimize what suffering I can. 

Next Monday I will be in NYC for appointments: routine six month follow up with kidney guy for my blood pressure; follow up w/internist where I'll get my 2nd shingles shot as well as a flu shot; and a 2 year follow up appt with a neuro ophthalmologist. 

Meanwhile, there's a thing going on with the ball of my foot, which has been brewing since the injury six months ago in Mexico, and the chiropractor palpated it and speculates something is going on at the insertion point for the tendon. There very clearly is a cyst forming under my callous (not a blister). So ONE MORE appointment either with the physiatrist or foot specialist.

December already has an EMG of the lower extremities and yet another consult with a rheumatologist to see what's going on. I'm ready for the fibromyalgia diagnosis, if that is what is lurking on the periphery for me. I just need to know that something IS going on, and it's not my imagination, and perhaps I'll stop this negative inner narrative I have with myself wherein I think I'm lazy or complacent or whatever, because I cannot seem to do what I need or want to do. 

All this is a lot to process, and is a full time job unto itself. I think I'm doing "good enough," but wish I were doing better. 

Three Months + 15 Days After The Mexico Debacle

The fact that I am even walking amazes me. I am by no means 100% back to how I was before Mexico, but all things considered I am appreciative of every day I am walking without a cane, crutch, or walker. When I get up in the morning, there's a twinge or two, but beyond this, I am moving. Going up and down stairs is still problematic, but I can do stairs if I am left without an alternative.

I followed up with my foot specialist on 8/19, and she released me from her care, and informed me that the ligaments are still in the process of healing up, but what further benefit to be gained once healing is complete will be marginal moving forward, and looks like the range of motion will not be restored completely. 

So yeah, disappointing! But I'm moving. Turns out I have a bunch of accessory or sesamoid bones in my feet, at the back of the heel and around each metatarsal head. When I hyperflexed my ankle during the injury, the spare bones injured the deep interior of my ankle mechanics. 

I'm continuing with my twice weekly acupuncture appointments, that is, until the end of the plan year--turns out the Maharajah's employer is changing the medical insurance YET AGAIN, this time to a plan where it covers 10 visits annually--FULL STOP. Acupuncture has been the only thing to help me. I'm just going to continue to ride it out as long as I can--and of course, hope that her office fees aren't too excessive, as I'd like to continue this as part of my care. 

Also on 8/19, I found my new internist, who is a DO, and of course, thanks to the Maharajah's employer changing medical plans--this DO is not in the network. I am hoping for the best, that we can "invite" him to the new plan, and hope he accepts. It took me two long years to find him. I am not starting over again with someone else, as this doc speaks my language and isn't intimidated by a patient who is actually engaged and involved in their own care plan.

Additionally, I found out last night that my therapist will be moving on to greener pastures towards the end of the month. Coincidentally, she's not in network for the new insurance either, so I would have had to part ways eventually. I'm not heart broken about it, but have a couple more weeks, and we have work to do, and I'm not even sure how to go about doing it--we're going to be focusing on effective communication, minimizing emotionally charged communication. At this point, I'd just assume ditch the next three weeks of sessions. My heart isn't in it, and this was designed to come to a conclusion at some point. 

Lots going on here, trying to continue to make sustainable changes, physically and psychologically, and of course, professionally. 

Life Continues to be a Cha-Cha

The day after I uttered, "Hey, I might be feeling better. I'm walking better. My hip bursitis feels like it's improving," I injured myself while out of the country, rendering me into a wheelchair for a full week, hobbling along to work with the Maharajah dropping me off every day, and me pretty much doing a whole lotta-nada.

We went away again (I know how very lucky I am to be living this kind of life), and Monday was another one of my patented, "trifecta" days where I have up to 3 (or sometimes more) appointments scheduled. All are medical in nature, and all are follow up visits, hopefully helping me achieve my goals of lowering my bp, improving my pain or mobility, and improving my sleep quality--which, will hopefully improve my overall sense of well being.

First appointment was a set back. It was with my kidney guy, who I see 2x annually, who is monitoring and treating my hypertension. Despite my improved numbers ELSEWHERE (pain doc, rheumatologist, even Sam's Club pharmacy!), my numbers refuse to budge at the kidney guy. The time has come for me to take yet another medication, to try to battle yet another invisible dragon--my bp. I've been given a beta blocker to work along with my pre-existing ACE-i and aldactazide. It's a lot. 

I view this as a set back, as I've always measured my progress or success after my bypass by things OTHER than my weight: blood chemistry, how many medications I'm taking, as well as resolved medical issues I used to have. Before my bypass I was on 6-7 meds, which I managed to reduce to 2. Now it's 3. And I'm not happy. 

Additionally, the beta blocker works with the sympathetic nervous system--and if I'm right, that means the medication might help my anxiety--which I now translate to me doing the very thing I did NOT want, to go on an anti-anxiety medication--as I do not want to take medication just to manage going to a shitty job where I am neither fulfilled nor my efforts acknowledged. So I'm disappointed that all my tweaking with Taurine and N-acetylcysteine did not pan out the way I hoped at his office. I suspect I have white coat syndrome. That aside, we're going to try out the new medication for a month. 

This all is a huge hassle, as it involves me searching out interactions for every single supplement I currently take, and involves me jockeying around when I take my current Rxs. And then there's the issue of quality of life--leg swelling? Dry mouth? Am I going to be able to have a cocktail if I want?

Okay--yeah, I know. It'll help minimize risks for stroke. It'll also help me minimize my risks for left ventricle hypertrophy.

Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Second appointment was with my foot doc--and of course I injured myself in the interim between my last appointment and this one. So it was good to see her, get MORE xrays, get a proper air cast to stabilize the ankle further, and get yet another diagnosis: "ankle impingement." I've got spare bones in my feet, and apparently when I hyperflexed my foot during my injury, my spare bones bruised the soft tissue deep in the posterior of my ankle. FUN. 

Third appointment was with the ENT to follow up on my CPAP compliance. Seemed straight forward. And I am getting some benefit out of it, albeit my snoring has reduced when I use it--though I have yet to feel any improvement as far as feeling refreshed. 

All in all these are necessary appointments, which I view as tools to help me achieve all of my goals. 

Here it is, the middle of June, and I *DID* have hope (and the GOAL) of getting myself out of my shitty job, but I'm working on that, too. I know that my mood and stress will change for the better once I am out of here. I just have to be patient and also employ some effective goal setting. 

My CBT homework is to start some lists, of what I want, what type of job, what type of workplace, and of course start researching different job requirements, and computer certification courses. 

Last night was CBT. Tonight is acupuncture. Tomorrow is a dental appointment before work and chiropractic after work.

All this could be overwhelming, I guess. I have everything so organized, I'm pretty much operating on muscle memory and forward momentum. 

Surely something's gotta give, right? 

Life Is Like A Cha-Cha (2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back)

Remind me the next time I want to verbally articulate that I might possibly be feeling better to just keep it to myself.

I am now ten days out from a pretty bad fall which I sustained in Mexico last week. The fall was 100% preventable and due to negligence, and unfortunately whatever legal recourse available to me would be so limited, it wouldn't be worth the time, sweat, tears, and money to pursue it.

There were several things for which I am thankful surrounding or involving the fall: 

1. That it happened in a controlled environment where I got immediate medical attention;
2. That the resort at a minimum (truly, the bare minimum they actually did for my physical welfare) was to provide me a wheel chair, of which I remained in the entire duration of my visit so at least I wasn't a prisoner in my hotel room;
3. That the injury wasn't more severe or catastrophic.

It happened before we even checked in at the resort, and it resulted in me neither going to the beach, pool, nor spa for my short stint. 

Fortunately for me, I have been in CBT since February and I am nearly done with an online psychology course, both of which have been instrumental in helping me not catastrophize what happened.

Unfortunately, I had a very long wait ahead of me before I'd know with any certainty the extent of my injuries. So there was that sense of dread that what little progress I was making would not just be dashed by this injury, but that it might have been more severe.

I was injured on 5/20, and we arrived back home on 5/23. The moment Uber dropped us off, we loaded our luggage in our car and we headed to urgent care to get an xray. Urgent care provided me a useless air cast and equally useless crutches, and a preliminary interpretation of the xrays of my ankle and my knee. No fractures in either, but some concern of a torn meniscus in the knee.

The next day I called P4.0 to see if she could fit me in, and sadly she works in NJ on Thursdays and Friday she was booked solid. She doesn't have office hours on the weekend, and Monday was Memorial Day. Tuesdays she's in NYC, so the earliest I could get in to see her was yesterday, 5/29, which was already prescheduled, as it was the date of my third and final series of shots in my knees.

She allayed any concerns regarding my achilles tendon and calf muscle, both of which I was concerned with a possible tear. 

I'm pretty fortunate that we travel so much. This wasn't a trip of a lifetime. Mexico is a manageable destination (as is Florida), so if I want to go, we'll go again. It was neither the first nor last time I'll visit either. 

Everyone that knew the Maharajah at the work conference remarked at how composed I was, despite the obvious physical pain and limitation of a wheel chair. And I recounted how lucky I was, regarding the circumstances. Also, what wasn't conveyed was, if your baseline of pain normally is a 4-5, to go from that to say a 7-8 (or even possibly a ten on day 1), makes the additional pain bearable. If I went from 0-1 daily to 7-8, I think psychologically I'd be worse off. So, as my therapist would say to me, my pain is actually serving me (and possibly making me more resilient). 

So my job is to stay the course, continue taking care of myself, and try to rally as much as possible, as the trip to Mexico was not a full vacation, but the intent was for me to rest up and physically prepare myself for another trip coming up. 

On a related note, I feel quite strongly that my new acupuncturist has helped me more in such a relatively short amount of time compared to the years of physical therapy and years of regular chiropractic care.

Onward and Upward

My blood pressure continues to maintain good numbers. Yesterday was 110/70. SWEET. Let's see if it will hold thereabouts when I see my kidney guy next month.

I am now up to my second round of injections in my knee, with the third to happen in 15 days.

I'm continuing to keep a tight schedule, all in the hopes of improving my mobility and pain issues--which reminds me, I need to call the orthotist to find out a status on my orthodics which were being revised.

Appointments in the mornings before work for injections or MRI or xrays, and appointments in the evenings after work for acupuncture (2 days a week, Monday and Friday), cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as physical therapy on Wednesdays and Saturdays with chiropractic on alternating Saturdays immediately following physical therapy. Dental stuff. Eye glasses. 

Then there's the issue of household stuff like groceries and pharmacy runs and laundry drop off/pick ups, and somehow getting all that done. But things are so precariously tight, that if I miss groceries or laundry, it can be problematic trying to find the time to do so. I've tried to get the household into a schedule of running the garbage to the dumpster before work on Mondays and Fridays, and laundry drop off/pick ups after work on Mondays and Fridays. I consider it a win if we manage to do this on a Sunday, which lessens our demands for time on Mondays at least.

While we were away three weeks ago, I saw an acupuncturist twice, and decided to get back into the swing of things with more regular acupuncture appointments. I managed to find a very capable and caring acupuncturist close to home and have been seeing her for the last 3 weeks or so, and have noticed a change in my hip bursitis as well as some improvement with my walking. Perhaps I can delay getting nerve ablation in my back. Only time will tell. But she's very helpful, and I see each session building on the work and benefits of the previous session. I even feel some sense of psychological benefit to the sessions too--even validation in some regards. 

She's such a good acupuncturist, even the Maharajah has decided to seek out treatment from her. And I've recommended her to at least one co-worker. 

Physical therapy is making me stronger but not improving my pain issues. And perhaps once I discontinue PT, whenever that might be, I'll consider joining the YWCA and start going there on Mon-Wed-Fri. Perhaps. 

I've also been taking an online psychology course which has been helpful. It's a 10 week course, and I am up to week 7, and from now until the end of the course, I have to try to entrench new neural pathways by establishing a new habit for me, in this case, improving my sleep.

So I'm chipping away at things, making some improvements, and trying to forgive myself by not achieving my goal faster, but to focus on making incremental progress. Last night I got six hours of sleep, so I just have to start tweaking what time I actually get to bed until I finally arrive at 7 hours of sleep a night.

I have to remind myself, I AM WORTH IT. 

Another Day, Another Trifecta: One Detail I Neglected to Mention

During the first appointment, which was with P4.0, they were taking my vitals, and I had them do my BP manually (as I feel it's more accurate than the robots), and my number was:

110/64 

This pleases me immensely. I have many goals, some crazy to some, but trying to get my BP lowered further (when quinipril and aldactazide wasn't cutting it, sufficiently, for my goals), has been like trying to slay an invisible dragon.

 

Another Day, Another Trifecta

Yesterday was a day off from the office, but I kept up a pretty brisk pace and scheduled things pretty tight. Luckily, all three appointments run like a Swiss timepiece, and I was able to deftly move from one to the next, and so on.

First appointment was the follow-up with P4.0. Things went well, and there is some improvement, so the last six weeks haven't been a complete act of futility. She wrote me an Rx for more muscle relaxants so I have them on hand if I need them, and an MRI is scheduled for Friday, and the stage is being set for the hyaluronate injections for both knees (a total of six appointments total--to be repeated again six months from now), and the MRI is in preparations for the nerve ablation in my back to be done 2-3 injections each side (if I remember correctly). 

Second appointment was physical therapy, and while wrapping up my assigned exercises, I asked my physical therapist about the possibility of putting me on the leg press, as surely there is benefit in building up strength in my quadriceps. I didn't go into detail how I know my knee caps aren't "tracking right," and the machine would further enhance my physical therapy. As I said, "I don't want to just go through the motions of staying in a holding pattern--I actually want to improve." He put me on the leg press and I managed to knock out a couple more repetitions than he suggested. This appointment was to replace Saturday's appointment which was rescheduled due to some in house training for their staff, and I am looking forward to my normally scheduled appointment tomorrow, so I can continue to build on whatever progress I started on Monday's appointment.

Third appointment was my annual ultrasound of my thyroid. Looks like one of the nodules has gotten bigger--won't know for sure until I get the radiology report. I am set to see my endocrinologist in June--so depending on how much bigger it's gotten, I'll no doubt get a call from her or a message on the patient portal, instructing me on what is to come next (if anything at all). 

The day was mostly self-care, so that's a win in my opinion. 

Tonight is my weekly CBT appointment. Tomorrow is physical therapy. Friday is the MRI.

Additionally, I am feeling the effects (I think!) from the 5HTP, which I was taking before I started the muscle relaxants (and resumed once I was off them). Given that it has been so long since I've woken up feeling actually refreshed when I wake up, it is hard for me to articulate how I feel; however, I don't feel that sense of foreboding and dread, and I'm not groggy--so I'll take that as a minor improvement, and I hope to build on that.

Adding Reinjury to Insult... Thereabouts

It's a bit of a TL; DR. Cliffnotes: I hurt myself, and might be in an existential crisis.

On Sunday I re-injured my shoulder. The same shoulder I injured 5+ years ago, which sent me down the rabbit hole of trying to find a physiatrist, after physiatrist, and physical therapy after physical therapy. Recently, I finally got to the point of realizing no amount of therapy was going to help things, and the issues died down a bit, though I still have had persistent golfers and tennis elbow in both elbows for 5+ years, and the shoulder tendinopathy has persisted, but manageable. And Sunday I fucked that all up by trying to do too much and not rest or acknowledge to myself that I have limits.

If I don't rest, my body will find a way to just shut down, and it did, in spectacularly painful fashion. While, yes, it was me and my neediness and my damned ego and pride to blame. But beyond this, YES, I'll blame this on my mom. I've connected the dots quite effectively, and did so in Tuesday's session, and Tuesday's session was all talk because I couldn't write and participate in this week's exercise.

The topic involved my shoulder injury, actually. I told my therapist two distinct stories involving my mom:

1. On my wedding day she showed up at the wedding location and announced to everyone present (including M’s family members and college buddies) how M was marrying me "for the green card." I told my therapist the subtext from this is: I am not valuable enough to marry a man younger than me, handsome, educated, and upwardly mobile WITHOUT him having ulterior motives.

2. (At a time well before I put up boundaries of what I'd tell my mom) When I was applying for a job at a Court Clerk's Office, she informed me, "Whatever you do, don't tell them how much you love giving head!" (she then commenced laughing like a lunatic). The subtext from this is: I am not valuable enough to land a job of that status and standing on my own merits and capabilities WITHOUT debasing myself.

Only recently have I become aware that I have a hole in my being or my psyche, a hole that should have been filled with self-esteem, the seeds of which SHOULD have been planted by my mother, and here I am, age 50, trying to figure out how to fill that hole myself--and realizing I lack the tools to do so.

Messages I have been sent my entire life involve how I only have value as long as I am doing something for someone else--all external sources--nothing from within. And as much as I do not consider myself a “people pleaser,” yet it was that very thing which led me to injuring my shoulder.

So how does my injury play into this faulty logic or dynamic?

I foolishly thought that I got fulfillment (or something thereabouts) by taking care of M by way of providing him nourishment. Yet, I’m realizing now, 18 years into this marriage he's not filling that hole in my psyche by nourishing ME with feedback. What little feedback he gives (if at all), falls into this deep hole, an abyss, and just evaporates--his feedback will never be enough to fill that hole, and I realize how unreasonable it is for me to expect it.

I am realizing my illusion/delusion involving my relationship with food and fulfillment. I am realizing now that if I am not experiencing fulfillment in regards to taking care of M, then I have zero fulfillment in my life. And somehow I can intellectualize this without emotion, without tears. I have too much to do and lack the luxury of time for tears.

TIMELINE OF EVENTS LEADING TO MY INJURY:

Saturday was a flurry of errands: drop off car at Honda, then take an Uber to physical therapy, then an Uber to my chiropractor, then an Uber to get a massage, then walk to Honda to pick up car. At this point, I *SHOULD* have gone home to rest up, yet still managed to continue running every errand still remaining on my list for that day: Vitamin Shoppe (this counts as self-care, IMHO, because it was for tryptophan to help my unyielding sleep problems), then Korean market for groceries, then Trader Joes for some things I can only get there--only to realize one of the vital things were not in stock, then lastly, to Sam's Club to pick up M's Rx.

Sunday, I got up at 9 a.m., and was on my feet in the kitchen cutting vegetables and getting things started for Sunday’s lunch and dinner, as well as lining up the week's worth of meals. I finally sat down for a moment (after 4 hours) to ice down my feet, as my feet were BEYOND hurting, and then I recommenced vegetable cutting and planning and plating things up and getting organized for the week.

2:30 a.m. MONDAY, I woke out of a sound sleep in utter agony. The shoulder tendinopathy pain which has plagued me for about 5-6 years at this point, amped up to an unbearable level. I started to sob in agony; however, I realized couldn't even sob in response, as I realized sobbing only intensified the pain.

By 5 a.m., I forced myself out of bed,  in search of ibuprofen and in search of my TENS unit, which M decided to squirrel away. So in pain, I had to go on a scavenger hunt. I sat in my chair using the TENS, and feeling like a zombie.

Monday, I forced myself to go to work, and as the day went on, I could lift my arm less and less. At one point, I got very worried, and thought for a hot second that I might have had a stroke.

Tuesday was more of the same. Tuesday morning, I emailed P4.0, asking if she could phone in an Rx for muscle relaxants, Tuesday afternoon, I took a late lunch and went to my chiropractor (again), who spent over an hour doing everything he could to alleviate my suffering. I'd be lost without him, by the way. I went back to the office to wrap some things up, and then went to my session with my therapist. I picked up M, and went home and realized I couldn't take my clothing off, as it required to be pulled up over my head. I sat there trembling in agony, and I couldn’t control myself further and sobbed until I snotted myself.

Wednesday I called out sick from work. I managed to drop M off at the train, and then I took myself to get breakfast--driving my car one handed. I then went to the Korean market for a few items I absolutely needed. Then went home to realize M scrubbed the tub (before going to work), so I could take a hot bath and soak. I ran a bath and called my physical therapist to see if I could come in earlier than my 6:40 appointment--they fit me in for 2:40 instead.

After the bath, I sat in the chair for several hours, resting, and alternating TENS and EMS on my neck and shoulders. I managed to get myself dressed, and went to Sam's Club as my blood pressure Rx was ready, and I was down to 2 more doses in my existing bottle and needed to pick it up, otherwise I'd have to make a lunchtime run there on Friday when I would be completely OUT of pills, and would have caused a logistical headache to pick up the Rx during lunch.

I managed to go to physical therapy, and then I picked up my new reading glasses, and talked myself out of the impulse to go back to Sam's Club for a rotisserie chicken (mind you, it's 2/10th of a mile from my house, my street literally ends where Sam's is). I did what I needed to do, and just went home to rest for another hour or two before I had to retrieve M from the train station. 

So, even on a day that should have been complete rest, I still managed to do four errands/tasks, not including taking that hot soak.

What people might possibly see on my exterior is someone who is strong or resilient; however, in my interior, I am resentful and angry and exhausted and feel weak with this unending series of painful challenges.

Thursday I felt the tiniest bit better, and went to the office, and the director acknowledged my existence (or specifically, my absence the day before), and asked how I was doing.

My chiropractor texted me to see how I was doing—as he is the only one who really knows to what level I was in crisis. Given his schedule for the next week is going to be demanding, he was able to fit me in for another treatment Thursday night.

Here it is Friday, and I’m able to lift my arm a wee bit more than I could all week—and even manage to pull my pants up with my left arm. I’m not 100% back to where I was before, but there has been some improvement.

And it was a good thing I picked up my Rx on Wednesday—remember what I said about logistical headache? Well, today (Friday), I will be picking up my orthotics during lunch. Had I opted out of doing so on Wednesday, that would have meant going 2.5 more days without the orthotics until Monday’s flurry of appointments and running around.

Six Days Later...

In general, I'm holding my own. No new dramas or traumas. And after using my cane for a week, I'm feeling a feeling that is unfamiliar to me: a diminishment of my pain in my lower extremities. I'm still feeling like shit, but it's not an agonizing 7-8 on the pain scale, and perhaps even a smidge lower than my routine/baseline 5. Something (probably EVERYTHING combined) I'm doing is working.  

Orthotics haven't been received yet. 

I'm staying the course.

More PT tonight.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

10 Days Later...

Dinner party went swimmingly. Everyone left roughly 11 p.m., so no luck on getting on my bike, nor getting that hot bath as I had hoped.

I loaded the dishwasher, and tidied up as best as I could before hitting the hay.

The next day, I had an appointment to get molds of my feet taken for some custom orthotics. So I have one more week to go until they are ready.

I've been "keeping at it" with physical therapy 2x a week, and between the orthopedic shoes and PT 2x a week, I've felt a shift of sorts, until last Wednesday, when the therapists had me do exercises involving me standing full body weight, and balancing on one foot at a time--not something ideal for someone with a Morton's Neuroma. That unleashed more pain, gradually the next day, and that evening the pain was so bad, I could not attain any sleep whatsoever, and Friday I called out sick at work because I was exhausted and in pretty severe pain.

Saturday, I informed my physical therapist for the day of what transpired, and the cool thing about this PT group is, I am seen and treated by a team of therapists, so there's several different perspectives factored into my treatment and care, versus one person treating me throughout (as is/was the case at my previous physical therapy group).

Two nights ago, I had the distinct sensation that I didn't toss and turn as much, and at one point, I may have been aware that I was laying on my right hip longer than I have in a long while.

All this week I have been walking with my cane for assistance, until my orthotics come in, and also because the snow has made it challenging, and also? It's handy to have it on hand to give me a sense of security. ALSO? At work, it is a useful prop to remind some people that HEY! I HAVE LIMITATIONS!

I have continued with my CBT too, and it is really challenging me and my thought processes. I've said it a thousand times and will probably say it a thousand more, that I've spent a lifetime of repressing/suppressing unpleasant, negative, or traumatic things, so it's really a difficult challenge to try to tap into my feelings on a deeper level.

Coming up this weekend is my (now routine) Saturday physical therapy appointment, and an eye exam. 

Tonight, I will rush around to get some grocery shopping done. And tomorrow before work I hope to get my laundry dropped off/picked up, and maintenance check dropped off, so then once my eye exam is over on Saturday, I can run home and relax. 

That's the plan at least.  

Progress is still being made on a molecular level.

Projected date orthotics will be ready on/about 3/12.
Follow up with P4.0 is on 3/25.
Follow up with the foot specialist is 5/1.