This past weekend I went for my first pedicure since my surgery. My feet were pretty messed up, and I wanted my feet in better shape because I had a Reiki session the next day, after which, I came home and dropped off into a 3 hour nap.
So far I have lined up a therapist who allegedly has a focus in trauma based therapy. And a couple days ago I found a psychiatric NP who I hope will be able to find a Rx that might help me manage my C-PTSD. Therapy is scheduled for Monday 10/3/22 and the NP is 10/7/22. A plan will be devised to help me manage my symptoms.
Plenty more to transpire before I return to the office on 10/17/22, more PT, a visit with my kidney doc, an EMG/nerve root conduction test on my shoulder & elbow, and yet another follow up with my surgeon to see how I am doing.
I am still anxious, angry, and sobbing every day, and I am acutely aware how unprepared my husband and friends are, and how unable they are to help me. I feel like I am sinking further into the abyss, and all I am getting is “I’m sorry,” or “don’t say that” or worse, toxic positivity. Trauma doesn’t respond to any of this.
Two things can exist simultaneously. I miss my mom, and my mom was the source of a lot of my trauma.
Her death & the isolation I still am doing (within reason, after all I did say I went for a pedicure—just me and the shop owners and we were all wearing masks) makes me feel more alone than I am, and it is breaking my spirit. Pretty much my siblings have forsaken me, and mom’s sister too. I CBT the hell out of this and remind myself it is just as well as they all are continuing to catch and transmit this virus that killed mom. And I wonder if I am already a ghost. How easy it is for my family to continue on, and I am barely even an after thought.
I am sobbing again.
No comments:
Post a Comment