Still Chipping Away At Possible Solutions

What's being actively done?

1. I have gone through three sessions with my new therapist--so far the first three sessions have been to unpack and inventory all my issues; hopefully next week's session will be some active work/therapy; in the meantime--
2. The therapist recommended I download Headspace, an app for my phone, that seems like it could be a useful tool towards reducing stress with guided meditation, and possibly help me establish better sleep hygiene and exercise routine. Maharajah says he'll help me with downloading and navigating it;
3. Yesterday, I ordered a pair of shoes from Orthofeet, and look forward to the day they arrive, as regardless of which pair of shoes (and which orthodics) I wear, my feet are in moderate pain; 
4. Today I rescheduled my eye exam for next month as I am not eligible for new eyeglasses until then;
    
5. Monday is a consultation with yet another physiatrist (she will be the FOURTH one since 2013). Hopefully she can put some fresh eyes on my collection of issues, and hopefully help figure out whatever might be going on in my feet--as I think that's the missing link, which is exacerbating my knee, hip, and low back pain;
6. Next on my to do list will be to schedule both, a pedicure and a deep tissue massage on Sunday--pedicure is a preparation for the physiatrist, as I literally want to put my best foot forward, considering that's what's going to be examined on Monday.

Depending on whatever POPS UP on the Xrays on Monday, hopefully, I can cancel my neurologist appointment in NYC--as that seems to be the last modality or discipline that hasn't been explored to get to the root of my problems. Perhaps the new physiatrist can refer me to a neuro and or an ortho right there, and alleviating the need for me to go to NYC for every little thing.

I have my bag packed for Monday's appointment loaded with my folio including all the hard copies of my reports and MRI/Xray CDs; a thumb drive with all the reports, my supplement schedule, and of course all the filled out new patient forms (in case they didn't receive them on their portal), as well as scanned copies of my most recent lab reports. Waze is pre-programmed with the address and appointment time. So I'm about as prepared as possible for this, and hope it won't make me too late on Monday morning. 

I guess this is where I shine, when I'm not actively engaging in Eyeore-like behavior: I have a problem and rather than wallow, I handle things best when I come up with a plan, and well, for the last few months I haven't had one, and I've been just STUCK.

Hopefully between the new therapist (and therapy--CBT), and a new physiatrist, there is a possibility I'll turn this around. At a minimum, it's all a distraction that takes my intense focus off what I call the futility loop and focuses more on solutions.

What's In a Name?

So. I found out today when I did a search on Twitter, APPARENTLY! there is an alternative meaning behind CBT. I was doing a search to see if folks tweeted about cognitive behavioral therapy--and turns out CBT is also shorthand for cock and ball torture.

Here endeth today's lesson.

My Reading List (Are you sensing a theme?)

Here is an inventory of books I have read on my self-help journey.  

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
  
The Sociopath Next Door

The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
  
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again

Face Your Fear: Living with Courage in an Age of Caution ** 
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy **

Anyone who knows me, knows the theme to this particular reading list. I view each book suggested to me as a life-line friends have given me along my path. I have derived a lot of benefit out of all of these books--some books more so than others, but there's something useful to be found in all of these books.

Regarding the two books at the end of the list, and why do they have asterisks?

The book, Face Your Fear, has been on my bookshelf for years, and this weekend in the course of doing an annual culling, I have spared this book from this year's culling. I opened up the book to where my bookmark was where I left it, and I immediately was hooked (again). I think enough time has elapsed from when I last started reading it, and I think I am more receptive to actually facing my fears. Rabbi Boteach is a great writer, so it will no doubt be a wise investment of time.

The last book on the list--well, there's a bit of a back story regarding this book--and a TWIST, an interesting development.

About five years ago (+/-), I sought out a consultation with a psychiatrist to see if they could test my brain chemistry. I was hitting rock bottom again, and before I entertained going back on antidepressants** again, I wanted to find out which particular neuro-chemical was out of whack. My thinking was that I didn't want to waste more time on a seratonin reuptake inhibitor, if let's say, my dopamine was the real culprit.

I was up front when I made the appointment about the nature of my consultation. They wasted my time. I sat there and was assessed, and wasted an hour (or more, if you factor in the time to go into NYC and back home again), only to be informed "we don't do that." The doctor then handed off a free copy of the book Feeling Good, and I was on my way.

At the time, I thumbed through the book, and scoffed at the idea of THINKING my way out of depression. I'm a smart woman. Surely, if it were possible, I would have figured it out by now, so why am I still struggling? 

So, five years ago, in my annual culling, I got rid of Feeling Good. And in the course of a conversation recently (within the last 2-3 months) did I mention and suggest this book to a friend (a friend who had recommended at least two books on the above-mentioned reading list). So I re-read the editorial reviews and the customer reviews on Amazon, and decided I was too hasty in culling the book, and I ended up buying another copy. 

Right around the same time frame when I was suggesting the book to my friend**, I had a pretty horrible thing happen to me professionally and personally, and I realized I needed to dump my therapist of nine years, of which, I've posted about and alluded to within this blog as well as the blog devoted to my mom and other dysfunctional relatives.

January 3rd I did the deed, and dumped FIRED my therapist, and started a quest to find a new one. It took me two straight weeks of making calls and refining my search several times until I found the person who I hope will decide to continue on as my therapist.

Now for the twist: The type of CBT she utilizes is the one the book Feeling Good is based upon. 

So, while I am frustrated at the idea of my previous therapist holding me back for nine years, and I have nothing to show for all that time, no progress, no new job or an improved emotional or physical state; I *DID* have the POTENTIAL solution in my hot little hands FIVE YEARS AGO.

Confession: One of the many problems I have is my inability to finish things I start. Several of the books listed above I started and read 75-90% of the way through and got distracted or lost interest or or or... well, I am the queen of excuses. I think ultimately, my problem is that I have not made myself a big enough priority.

**It bears sharing, that I have gotten more therapeutic benefit out of my friendship with "S" than I got out of nine years with a professional therapist & social worker. I only hope that I have been as big of a support to him as he's been to me. Between his support, and the Maharajah--I honestly don't know where I'd be, and for whatever amount of wallowing I allow myself to do, it's a splinter's worth of what it'd be without these two valuable supports in my life. 

This Year's Project: CBT

Today was the first of two appointments, which are assessments for CBT, which I hope will help me move forward.