ER: The morning after

Ever hear of Murphy's Law? Well, there's "Maven's Law" which is kinda like Murphy's Law, but with one tweak at the end:

If anything bad/wrong can happen, it will. At the worst possible time.

So yeah. Yesterday I woke up feeling worse for wear. As I posted on Friday it was a two vicodin day, courtesy of my epic menstrual pain due to the (there I go again!) adenomyosis.

And by worse for wear, I mean I woke up with a migraine that just would not quit. First sign of distress is the obvious: I woke up at 7:30 a.m. on a SATURDAY. This is unheard of. Woke up feeling illish. Went to the kitchen to take my blood pressure pill, and get the jump on my vitamins, which I usually start my day with my gummy prenatals, gummy fiber chew, and gummy vitamin c. Those are the first things to hit my stomach, then the blood pressure pill, washed down with a mouthful of coffee.

And then it happened. EPIC NAUSEA. I thought, "BRILLIANT!" usually, after vomiting commences, my migraines usually start to subside. Not in this case. I was the Ever Ready Bunny of Puke. Only, there's nothing to puke up. I last ate at 9:30 the night before, and other than the vitamins, nothing else came up. Being without a gall bladder also means, no bile comes up, which is a great thing, puke wise, because you don't get any of that acrid nasty stuff to deal with, but the downside is, you have nothing of substance to heave up.

And heave, I did. All day. I laid down thinking I'd try to sleep off the bulk of the unpleasantness, tossing and turning in the bed, uncomfortable. Every time I'd get up to urinate, the disturbance to my head and neck was enough to elicit more waves of heaving-loveliness.

Mind you, I'm 16 months out from my gastric bypass. I still worry about possible damage to the pouch when dealing with violent heaving like this. I also wonder and worry if the epic heaving will be enough to damage the repair to the hiatal hernia, too.

Head was pounding as if the Mario Brothers were in there, pounding away with sledge hammers. Unrelentingly.

And so this went until about 3 p.m., when I just couldn't stand life one more moment, I woke the husband from his nap and said, "It's time. I need to go to the hospital."

By the time he got washed and dressed, we arrived at the hospital (which is only a scant 3 minutes from our house), by 4 p.m., I went into a quasi-nap trying to zone out the ER lobby din. They bring me inside and for the next four hours or so, I'm in the ER, hooked up to an IV for fluids, Dilaudid and something else for pain, something for nausea, Zofran under the tongue. Mercifully I have ear plugs (but no eye patch) to blot out what I can of what's going on around me. Puke bag at the ready by my side.

I'm now thinking I should just give up the notion of even trying to conceive. I'm too old and frail and just not up to an endeavor such as that. Physically, emotionally, etc. I cannot imagine going thru this or other health set backs, with just my husband, and then have to deal with what to do with a small child or infant during something like this, when we have ZERO support system nearby.  It's not fair to me, the husband or the child.

I'm seriously contemplating going in for the ablation. Biting the bullet. Get the ablation. Maybe get my tubes tied. And call it a day. I'm certain the migraine is related to the adenomyosis, as yesterday was the second full on day of my menses.

I've reached the point... the "Come to Jesus" moment of accepting the fact that having a child of my own is not in my cards. That perhaps I wasted my prime baby making years, ten of them, with someone who threw me away 14 years ago. And there he is, with two kids, one of them named the name we picked for our hypothetical son. And here I am, battling with this nonsense. Doesn't really seem all that fair.

But it's come down to it's either me/my health/my sanity or go on a reproductive wild goose chase with no viable end in sight. 

All I know is that while I was in the ER, I was having a conversation with the Universal Power that guides us, whatever that power is... not God... but something is driving the universe, yanno? And the conversation went like this, "Look, if you're going to take me. Take me now. Just quit pussyfooting around, because death itself? It can't possibly be worse than this shit. I'm ready to go. I'm showered up. Take me, damnit."