Being in chronic pain just grinds away at you, and can turn you into someone you hardly recognize as your SELF. After the summer I've had of non-stop medical drama, mess, disappointment, existential angst, and outright active, debilitating pain, I'm hoping today's the precipice of the tipping point, and (dare I say) hoping things are going to start to improve (at least until my next menses hits).
Last night I went out to knit night with my friends, even against that inner voice saying not to. Not because I do not enjoy their company (which I do enjoy, immensely), but because I've been ground down to the point where I felt like I had nothing to give and nothing to gain from going, and of course, because I've been (perhaps justifiably so) a whiny bitch lately. So I went. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad because it felt good to be with friends.
Humans are social creatures, even the most antisocial of us need human interaction. We're HUMAN.
We laughed. Exchanged info. And in the course of chatting, I had an epiphany of sorts. And perhaps this epiphany is just enough to keep me from entering a realm I haven't wanted to enter: feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself is an easy enough trap to find myself.
Afterall, I finally did something proactive about losing weight and getting healthy, and get healthy enough to attempt to conceive. And while I liken this process I've gone thru to someone training for a Couch-to-5K, only to realize they overslept or the big race was cancelled.
So I've spent the summer feeling as if all of this effort was pointless, given the nature of the path my life has taken. Like why did I radically alter my body and my life, if the reason I did so isn't a driving force anymore?
For weeks I've been thinking about the Big M (menopause) and how it waits for every woman, and thinking about how I can have a different peri and post-menopausal experience/narrative than my mother.
Hells-bells! Losing a lot of weight goes a long way towards working towards the goal of having as stable or uneventful menopausal experience possible, and hopefully also ensures I'll be a lot happier and healthier and more mobile experience for the second half of my life.
So last night during knit night, I had that a-HA! moment, where I connected those dots, and all that work and effort isn't pointless after all. However, the pointlessness of my very existence is always debatable at this point! At least all my hard work thus far hasn't been for naught.
It's been a tough summer, and very hard for me to make any sense out of what I'm going thru at all. So at least I'm able to see some positivity in this. And I think today is the first day where I can say I see a marked change in the "blood situation." But then again, my uterus has a mind of its own. So who knows if I'll end up having to go home today to change my clothes. Because yes, I felt well enough and dared enough to wear light colored pants today.
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