In the blink of an eye: Three Years

I awoke this morning with my husband nuzzling my neck and wishing me, "Happy Surgiversary, baby."

Ever the literalist, I bit my lip and kept myself from saying, "oh that was YESTERDAY, babe." But I held off on saying it. The sentiment is still true and still sweet, that he remembered. Such affection!

One of the many improvements in my life the surgery brought forth, I never thought in a million years that it would improve the state of my marriage. Turns out my recovery and life post-op has been a joint project for both of us to work on. 

There's no place I'd rather be. 

Current Listing of Supplements

I'm forever tweaking and refining which supplements (as well as dosing) I take, to find the best possible combination of things that work for my body's needs.

So, the current line up is thus:

First thing in the a.m.:

2 Gummy VitaFusion Prenatal Multivitamins 2 Gummy VitaFusion Sugar Free Fiber Chews, 5 gm, 1x 
Omega-3 1400 mg (1x)  Evening Primrose Oil 1000 mg (1x)  Colace 200 mg (1x) 
Vitamin C, 400 mg
Feosol 325 (2 tablets)  *I boost to 3 tabs during menses
Alpha Lipoic Acid 250 mg
Then throughout the day I manage to get these in:

Boron, 3 mg, 1x daily Magnesium 400 mg, 1x daily *I boost to 2x daily during menses D3 2000 IU (1x) Calcium Citrate, 250 mg (4x) Zinc (dosage I cannot recall at the moment)  CoQ10 (50 mg, though I'm thinking of boosting this)  Hyaluronic Acid capsule 1x (100 mg) Vitamin C, 400 mg KAL brand B12 spray (1-2 blasts under the tongue)
Standardized turmeric in capsule form

Then in the evening along with my blood pressure Rx, I take:

Alpha Lipoic Acid 250 mg 

I am heartbroken that Hero Nutritionals has discontinued manufacturing the lovely dark chocolate calcium citrate I had been relying upon for the last three years, and I'm looking for alternative calcium citrate chewables, whether chocolate or chewy-gummy type chewables. NP at the surgeon's office knows I am in the habit of taking 50% of my calcium in citrate form, in a chewable as it's more convenient (and pleasurable), as I can take it without water. She said perhaps I could try out the tricalcium phosphate gummies that are on the market. I get my calcium checked every three months, so we'll know nearly immediately if there's an issue with it. I'm acidifying it with Vitamin C, and hoping for the best. 

ETA: It's been 8-9 months of using tricalcium phosphate alternately as my solitary source of calcium supplement, or occasionally one day I'll do chewable TSC for one dose and then do calcium citrate for the second dose, and have done so without any deleterious results to my overall calcium figures in my blood chemistry.

New Year, New Post

I'm hoping the horrible-ness of last year stays in last year. Forging ahead, and hoping that I'll be able to get some things on my TO DO LIST addressed right up front at the beginning of the year before any new dramas arise.

From start to finish I was on Wellbutrin precisely one month. Given the fact that it gave me horrendous dry mouth, made me RAGE LIKE A MANIAC, and added one NEW headache type to my panapoly of pain issues, I weaned myself off it. Haven't discussed it with my internist. But to be honest, one of the things for this year I'd like to do is see a psychiatrist to see about what's cooking chemically. I have no doubt that the cortisol and DHEA issues are playing into my fluctuations in mood, and are possibly even distorting my perspective on things.

Things on the to do list I'd like to address up front:

1. Follow up sleep study to get my CPAP levels tweaked. I've stopped using the machine as I didn't feel it was making an impact. And given the weight loss, no doubt the levels need adjusting.

2. Follow up w/neurologist re: the migraines and migraine medication. And also see if he might be able to help better manage my other pain issues re: crippling adenomyosis pain, and pain from the herniations in my neck. If he can't help me, I need to check out both, a psychiatrist and a physiatrist.

3. I need to make it a priority to see about getting more active, so in addition to getting the pain addressed, I need to actually GO and check out a pilates class.

4. Which really should be #1, as I've already started using it, I started incorporating Boron supplements in my daily intake. 3 mg daily, and it should help w/bone loss prevention and also help with osteo arthritis. 

In the midst of all this, I've got appointments set up with the endo and the renal guy for 2/12; and on a personal note, I'm in the process of repainting the interior of my condo (everything except for the three bedrooms and bath. The living, dining and kitchen are all on an open floor plan, so I'm entering a unique circle of Dante-esque hell, where I'm painting everything. I am doing it a quadrant at a time, and hope to have everything finished by Easter or Spring thaw, whichever comes first.

No resolutions. I don't believe in them, especially considering I am a good list maker and try to tick off things as needed.

Wellbutrin Chronicles, Day 14: EPIC Anxiety Attack

Holy shit. I got worked up into a frothing rage at my mother's house, which left me with such anxiety and a hard knot like feeling in my chest, I thought I was having a heart attack.

Not sure how much of this was the Wellbutrin (I think A LOT--given my neurologist thinks it's very stimulating--his words, mind you) or how much of the attack was my mom and her effects on me. Either way, I decided after this episode to start weaning myself off the medication. Made me very hostile, agitated, headachey, dry mouthed, ragey, and did zero to help my depression.

Wellbutrin: Day 11

No real marked change or improvement, save for the over-riding desire to sit and cry at my desk at work? Yeah, that's no longer as pronounced. But I'm still fueled with righteous anger about how my job as it is as of this moment, is no longer the job for which I was hired nearly 12 years ago.

Dry mouth. No change in sleep patterns. Hands have a little bit of a tremble to them. Overall, I still have that horrid sense of dread or foreboding.

Wellbutrin: Day 6

Today will be the 6th dose. No real marked change in outlook or demeanor. The over-riding desire to cry at my desk at work has been blunted/stunted, but I'm still miserable here.

Bad News:

Been suffering from some, to put it politely, "gastric distress." At first I thought it might be the Wellbutrin as diarrhea is one of a myriad of side effects one might encounter while on the Rx. Then I thought it was the shrimp I ate the other day. This then became the prevailing theory, given my husband is somewhat affected too. And we are now well beyond 24 hours of "distress," and we both are still affected, despite taking Imodium, and now we think it's some sort of bug. And of course, I'm at work to spread my own brand of joy, and hopefully a few pathogens, too. Given how many times people have come to work sick, or brought their SICK KIDS to the office, I'd say I'm just doing my part in the petri dish that is our office.

We're giving it one more day w/Imodium, and if it doesn't turn things around in the next 24 hours, we're heading to the doc on Saturday. Which, of course, puts a total crimp in everything I needed/wanted/expected to accomplish on Saturday.

On an upnote, I'm hoping this distress will help me break this weight loss plateau I've been on for longer than I care to admit!

Good News: 

Got an email from my nephrologist with the results of my urinalysis and blood work from Tuesday. I guess 2013 will NOT be the year of "ZOMG BIOPSY ALL THE THINGS!" There has been some improvement in the proteinuria. He thinks the previous tests might have been "a variant," however, I've had proteinuria for too long, and the only thing that's been done different in the near 2 months since bumping the Quinipril to 80 mg 1x daily is the fact that I took it upon myself to bump my Alpha Lipoic Acid supplement from 250 mg to 500 mg daily. It's the only thing I can think of that's out of the ordinary. Regardless of its genesis, I'm glad for the news, for a multitude of reasons.

Dose Three

Poised to go down the hatch, shortly.

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

Regarding that unrelenting headache for over two weeks and sleep interruptions/disturbance:

It might be premature to acknowledge, or perhaps risking jinxing myself, but got to bed IDK, maybe by midnight? Slept in my bed (versus sleeping on the chaise or recliner--the latter of which almost always ensures a shitty sleep experience, WTF LazyBoy... WTF indeed!). 

I forced myself to stay in bed, even though I was wired and mind racing. Even the slightest bit of light can be enough to keep me awake. I pulled the covers up over my head, and lay flat on my back.

Somehow I managed to get asleep and stay asleep, and so far, the headache is rating about a 0.5 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst.

Weather shitty, roads icy, and the Slacker calls out sick, leaving me as the only secretary on staff today. I couldn't care less (I really DO care the absolute LEAST at the moment). Tomorrow I'll be the one who's out.

Wellbutrin Chronicles: Day Two

Day 2:  No marked difference. I feel strung out and weird.

Interestingly enough for the last two solid weeks, I have woken up with a horrendous headache, and nothing I do or ingest breaks it up.  Not a migraine. Been told my BP isn't high enough to bring on headaches. Not sinusy--breathing clear and free. Perhaps it's barometric or perhaps a cluster headache. All I know is it's grinding on me.  Tuesday I see the kidney doc, so I don't plan on going to another doctor in the meantime (not that I'd be able to score an appointment for Monday at this rate anyway). 

No relief in sight, yet plodding on and trying to not let it sideline me more than it already has.

Down The Hatch

1:30 First dose of Wellbutrin ingested.

Post-Therapy Session To Do List

1. Shop around for a psychiatrist for a consult re: the chemical shit going on (i.e. cortisol, dhea, etc), and determine if Wellbutrin is the optimal thing for my particular stripe of melancholy;
2. Actually start taking the Wellbutrin my internist prescribed;
3. Work up the motivation to explore the pilates studio in a neighboring town.

No Gin Involved

Gin hasn't touched my lips since roughly 1998 or 1999, when I made the distinct connection that it makes me feel NOTABLY melancholy.

And it's only today that, at age 45 that I start thinking about melancholy ITSELF. And yes. I am melancholy to one degree or another, every single day.

The more I read, the more I am convinced that my health issues are impacting my melancholy-ness. The issue at hand that I think that's driving it more and more as of late is the hypercortisolemia. And yet, I haven't taken the first dose of Wellbutrin because at least on an intellectual level, I see it as nothing more than a futile bandaid being adhered to treat a sucking chest wound (otherwise, ineffective).

Tomorrow: phone session with therapist, as scheduled.

Progress Stalled. For Now.

Though I’m biting the bullet and considering going back on antidepressants, as I just can’t fight this (depression) dragon by myself anymore. 

My internist prescribed Wellbutrin; however, I haven’t started taking it. Been second guessing myself about: 
1. Perhaps having a psychiatrist determine which Rx is best? Or 
2. Wondering about the interplay of the hypercortisolimia on my mood/emotional well being. 

Though the internist did say Wellbutrin was good, in so far it won’t cause weight gain or some of the other unpleasant side effects of other anti-depressants, I would like to see if there’s something ELSE out there that will actually help address the underlying cortisol issue. 

Reading up and found this article, and this blurb I found particularly interesting, and look forward to my endocrinologist's input on how to proceed: 

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/role-cortisol-and-depression-exploring-new-opportunities 

[…] Antidepressant drugs that have the ability to regulate GR expression and binding may, however, have greater therapeutic efficacy in patients who have hypercortisolemia. […] 

Also worth mentioning: My sleep is so screwed up, I haven't been to bed before 3 a.m. for the last SIX DAYS, and it's draining on me. Seriously draining on me. I'm just wondering how much longer I can go on like this before I finally just have a break down.

Well, At Least There's That...

While away on vacation, I got a call from my cardiologist with ACTUAL GOOD NEWS. Echocardiogram results were very good, and showed no blockages or any signs of left ventricular hypertrophy. Don't need to see him again for another year. Bravo!

Follow up w/nephrologist on 12/5. Here's hoping there's an Rx for a urinalysis in my inbox tomorrow when I hit the office. Otherwise, I feel my trip to NYC for this appt might be pretty much fruitless.

Return to the office tomorrow after a week away. I've had a horrible case of the Mondays, and hell, it's 3:41 a.m. and I haven't even gone to bed yet. I hesitate to go to bed, because I know the next moment I wake up, GAH. Make it stop. It'll be Monday.

Tired of feeling this way

Feel like crap. About to go on vacation tomorrow and all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and die.

Wellbutrin Rx filled, so I'll start it first opportunity I can when I get back.

Well, well, well. Wellbutrin.

Cliffnotes: 
Internist wrote the Rx for it. I double checked with the nephrologist, who gave the go-ahead. Today I get the Rx filled, and I'll take it after vacation. No sense in fucking up a well deserved, much needed vacation by starting an antidepressant. So I'll fill the Rx and it'll be ready for me when I return.

The Unabridged Version:

Some folks might view both, my surgically altering myself with the gastric bypass, as well as my decision to now start taking antidepressants, as the easy way out. Life is short. I've tried my best. Time to leave it to the professionals to help me power through, achieve some goals, and make the most of whatever time I've got left here on Planet Earth. Good thing for me is, what other folks think, rarely changes or affects my reality. Opinions are like assholes, and all that rot.

No. I'm not morose. This is a reality for all of us. I just choose not to live in functional denial about my mortality. This is why when someone is cruel to me, or my efforts fall flat, or not getting some reasonable semblance of acknowledgement or appreciation at work truly does affect me negatively. Once my time is spent, I will never be able to recoup that time. Ever. Money? Yes. Time? No. Once it's spent, it's gone. 

Today I'm all out of sorts, as my human alarm clock (the husband) neglected to get me up in time for me to shower up and get out of the house on time, so I can have my phone in session with the therapist in the parking garage before work. Put the cart before the horse as a result, did the phone in session before I left the house, showered and shampooed up and got to the office an hour late as a result. So my day is out of synch entirely. 

Session was good. Not sure what else to say about the matter. Feeling very bleak at the moment, and feeling like the human embodiment of a Ticonderoga #2, sharpened down, used up, until there's nothing but a broken point nubbin' of a pencil w/a worn down eraser, too small to effectively hold and use anymore. Truly feel like I have nothing more to offer anyone or anything.

I don't feel sad. I feel depressed. Physically. Emotionally. And the last six months have been exceedingly taxing on me. One thing after another. One medical wild goose chase after another, all demanding time and attention, time and attention AND ENERGY which could have been more effectively used to address the TO DO items on my rainy day project list: follow up sleep study to get my CPAP levels tweaked; follow up w/a physiatrist, check out either/or/both Feldenkrais or a pilates class. You name it. Only so much time I can take off from work, and only so much energy and fortitude for me to power through to the next action item.

Here it is, December fast on our heels approaching. End of year. And I'm no better off than I was at the beginning of this year.

Wish Me Luck!

In 15 scant minutes, I'll be heading off to the internist to discuss an assortment of shit from possibly going on anti-anxiety meds to scheduling my colonoscopy, or seeing if he can do a CAT with contrast instead of the more invasive pooper-rooter.  

Stay tuned.

Dear Humanity: *You're Welcome*

After three days of wearing the same clothes I went to work in on Friday, and of course, not showering, today I forced myself to shower, shampoo, put fresh clothes on, and get out of the house.

This is my major accomplishment for the day.

I washed my ass. 

*You're welcome.*

Two more days until I see my internist and discuss the possibility of going back on antidepressants.

Mindset: Fixed vs Growth

I wonder if it truly is possible to change my mindset from a fixed to a growth oriented mindset. I wish there were a magic spell someone could cast on me to fix this. 

While trapped in the fixed mindset, it is very easy to fall back on the fact I've been negatively programmed my entire life, by someone else who was also negatively programmed their entire life.  Feels like a cop out, but it's true.

The trap I'm in right now is illustrated thusly:

FIXED: “If I don’t try, I can protect yourself and keep my dignity.”
GROWTH: “If I don’t try, I automatically fail. Where’s the dignity in that?”

And my logic loops back to if I do try and fail, I still fail. 

I like certitudes. Life is too short to waste precious moments on uncertainty. I like to succeed. I do it so rarely. I've never been taught these necessary coping mechanisms:

1. How to succeed.
2. How to handle or manage failure.

FLAILING is like Failing with an extra L tossed in there for LOSER.

I flail because I fail.
I fail because I flail.

All I've Got To Say Today

I'm depressed.

Carry on.