I'm acutely aware that the majority of my activity online, whether here, or on Twitter, or MeWe, pretty much is me screaming into the void. A part of me feels that kinship with that Nietzsche quote, "Sometimes when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back." Perhaps, eventually, someone will scream back from the void. Perhaps not.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Regarding Monday's Appointment With Physiatrist 4.0
[Some friends wonder how I manage to keep track of everything I need to do in order to get to the necessary appointments etc. Well. I blog herein as a matter of accountability and record keeping (especially for tracking progress!), I have reminders on my phone, virtual post-it notes on my desk top at work, and have a calendar that Maharajah and I both share and add appointments to, to keep track (and also involve each other, when necessary in appointments and plan-making).]
Monday's appointment with my current (now fourth) physiatrist (hereinafter dubbed P4.0) went much better than I anticipated. I actually managed to walk out of there with some hope and a preliminary plan of attack for the collection of issues I have.
Xrays were done at 8:00 and by 8:35, I was taken into the exam room for my vitals to be taken. By the time P4.0 was done with me, it was roughly 10:10 by the time I got out of the appointment. Very pleased with the professionalism of everyone, and even more appreciative of the timing of everything, from how long I waited in the lobby until I was in the exam room, and thoroughly pleased with the level of detail the doctor went into during the examination.
Newest diagnosis: Greater trochanteric pain syndrome (plus a side dish of Morton's Neuroma).
Also worth noting: Apparently my ass is weak. Like, at this moment in time, if I were to twerk, I'd probably hurt myself. Luckily, I live a life where twerking is outside of the realm of possibilities.
THE PRELIMINARY PLAN AS IT STANDS CURRENTLY:
Immediately:
1. RUMP/HIPS: An Rx for PT was given. I contacted the office of my preferred physical therapist, and I'm getting the same run around I got in AUGUST, where he's booked solid. Well, I don't want to wait to start working at something which will hopefully lead to me FEELING and BEING better. So I contacted my secondary place, and scheduled the consultation for 2/18, and also scheduled my next two appointments, to ensure I got the days and times conducive to MY schedule;
2. FEET: I scheduled an appointment with the P4.0's associate in NYC, who specializes in feet, so that doctor will tend to whatever is going on in my feet. Surprisingly, the Xray was not chock full of arthritis--this actually surprised me, because I have a lot of crepidation/granulation (or at least that's what it sounds like) when I walk or when I make circles with my feet. I have symptoms of a Morton's Neuroma, and on the Xray you can see bone spurs, and a weirdness where my bones are growing at an odd-ish angle. Also, my arches have fallen, and I no doubt have plantars fasciitis still.
Not sure what to expect or anticipate from this appointment, but set it, as my theory is, my foot pain is causing instability in my gait, and as a consequence everything else (knees, hips, low back) is over-compensating as a result.
Also worthwhile noting, I just got notification that the shoes I ordered from Orthofeet are out for delivery today, so I cannot wait to try them on and hope that my feet won't hurt so damned much when I walk in the interim;
3. KNEES: P4.0's office will contact insurance company regarding authorization for visco-supplementation injections (though, I am convinced it won't go through, because LAST year, they denied me, and even after going through a lengthy appeals process, they refused to cover it, despite the fact that we were assured when Maharajah's insurance changed, we were assured that the coverage was "identical," when clearly, IT IS NOT;
Rainy Day Projects/TBD at a Later Date:
4. LOW BACK: At some other point in time down the line, we are going to explore ablating the nerves in my low back, to manage the chronic, moderate/severe arthritis pain. P4.0 assures me that during her fellowship she learned a special way to do the ablation, which will slow down the rate of nerve regrowth. The mere idea of being able to go long lengths of time without pain, is almost unbelievable to me. Though I do have one friend who has had nerve ablation (granted, in her foot, I believe) and her results weren't so favorable;
5. ELBOW: This is a rainy day project at some point further out. I might actually bite the bullet and have PRP injection in my elbow. P4.0 mentioned how she could probably do it with just one injection (rather than multiple, pricier injections which my previous physiatrist was trying to convince me to commit to in 2017.
So that's the plan so far!
The next three weeks (well, 2.5) of appointments line up thusly (which includes other self-care appts):
2/15: Weekly CBT
2/16: Chiro
2/18: Consultation with physical therapist
2/19: Weekly CBT
2/20: 1st appt w/physical therapist
2/22: Cardiologist & Foot specialist
2/23: 2nd appt w/physical therapist
2/26: Weekly CBT
As a direct consequence of the thoroughness of the examination and the capability of P4.0, I have cancelled my appointment with a neuro in NYC. There was a neuro portion of my examination, and I am sure that if I require to be referred out to a neuro, P4.0 has someone located conveniently within her office. So, brilliant! It actually helped me eliminate a redundant appointment!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a session on Headspace to listen to.
PS: I'm especially mindful that as shitty as I think the medical coverage is, I am very very glad for the coverage we have at all, which is enabling me to get as much medical attention as necessary. I wish and hope for those Synvisc injections--but even if I cannot get them this year, if I can tackle some of my other issues, I'll be happy just to eliminate whatever aspects of my pain issues I can.
Monday's appointment with my current (now fourth) physiatrist (hereinafter dubbed P4.0) went much better than I anticipated. I actually managed to walk out of there with some hope and a preliminary plan of attack for the collection of issues I have.
Xrays were done at 8:00 and by 8:35, I was taken into the exam room for my vitals to be taken. By the time P4.0 was done with me, it was roughly 10:10 by the time I got out of the appointment. Very pleased with the professionalism of everyone, and even more appreciative of the timing of everything, from how long I waited in the lobby until I was in the exam room, and thoroughly pleased with the level of detail the doctor went into during the examination.
Newest diagnosis: Greater trochanteric pain syndrome (plus a side dish of Morton's Neuroma).
Also worth noting: Apparently my ass is weak. Like, at this moment in time, if I were to twerk, I'd probably hurt myself. Luckily, I live a life where twerking is outside of the realm of possibilities.
THE PRELIMINARY PLAN AS IT STANDS CURRENTLY:
Immediately:
1. RUMP/HIPS: An Rx for PT was given. I contacted the office of my preferred physical therapist, and I'm getting the same run around I got in AUGUST, where he's booked solid. Well, I don't want to wait to start working at something which will hopefully lead to me FEELING and BEING better. So I contacted my secondary place, and scheduled the consultation for 2/18, and also scheduled my next two appointments, to ensure I got the days and times conducive to MY schedule;
2. FEET: I scheduled an appointment with the P4.0's associate in NYC, who specializes in feet, so that doctor will tend to whatever is going on in my feet. Surprisingly, the Xray was not chock full of arthritis--this actually surprised me, because I have a lot of crepidation/granulation (or at least that's what it sounds like) when I walk or when I make circles with my feet. I have symptoms of a Morton's Neuroma, and on the Xray you can see bone spurs, and a weirdness where my bones are growing at an odd-ish angle. Also, my arches have fallen, and I no doubt have plantars fasciitis still.
Not sure what to expect or anticipate from this appointment, but set it, as my theory is, my foot pain is causing instability in my gait, and as a consequence everything else (knees, hips, low back) is over-compensating as a result.
Also worthwhile noting, I just got notification that the shoes I ordered from Orthofeet are out for delivery today, so I cannot wait to try them on and hope that my feet won't hurt so damned much when I walk in the interim;
3. KNEES: P4.0's office will contact insurance company regarding authorization for visco-supplementation injections (though, I am convinced it won't go through, because LAST year, they denied me, and even after going through a lengthy appeals process, they refused to cover it, despite the fact that we were assured when Maharajah's insurance changed, we were assured that the coverage was "identical," when clearly, IT IS NOT;
Rainy Day Projects/TBD at a Later Date:
4. LOW BACK: At some other point in time down the line, we are going to explore ablating the nerves in my low back, to manage the chronic, moderate/severe arthritis pain. P4.0 assures me that during her fellowship she learned a special way to do the ablation, which will slow down the rate of nerve regrowth. The mere idea of being able to go long lengths of time without pain, is almost unbelievable to me. Though I do have one friend who has had nerve ablation (granted, in her foot, I believe) and her results weren't so favorable;
5. ELBOW: This is a rainy day project at some point further out. I might actually bite the bullet and have PRP injection in my elbow. P4.0 mentioned how she could probably do it with just one injection (rather than multiple, pricier injections which my previous physiatrist was trying to convince me to commit to in 2017.
So that's the plan so far!
The next three weeks (well, 2.5) of appointments line up thusly (which includes other self-care appts):
2/15: Weekly CBT
2/16: Chiro
2/18: Consultation with physical therapist
2/19: Weekly CBT
2/20: 1st appt w/physical therapist
2/22: Cardiologist & Foot specialist
2/23: 2nd appt w/physical therapist
2/26: Weekly CBT
As a direct consequence of the thoroughness of the examination and the capability of P4.0, I have cancelled my appointment with a neuro in NYC. There was a neuro portion of my examination, and I am sure that if I require to be referred out to a neuro, P4.0 has someone located conveniently within her office. So, brilliant! It actually helped me eliminate a redundant appointment!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a session on Headspace to listen to.
PS: I'm especially mindful that as shitty as I think the medical coverage is, I am very very glad for the coverage we have at all, which is enabling me to get as much medical attention as necessary. I wish and hope for those Synvisc injections--but even if I cannot get them this year, if I can tackle some of my other issues, I'll be happy just to eliminate whatever aspects of my pain issues I can.
Friday, February 08, 2019
Still Chipping Away At Possible Solutions
What's being actively done?
I have my bag packed for Monday's appointment loaded with my folio including all the hard copies of my reports and MRI/Xray CDs; a thumb drive with all the reports, my supplement schedule, and of course all the filled out new patient forms (in case they didn't receive them on their portal), as well as scanned copies of my most recent lab reports. Waze is pre-programmed with the address and appointment time. So I'm about as prepared as possible for this, and hope it won't make me too late on Monday morning.
I guess this is where I shine, when I'm not actively engaging in Eyeore-like behavior: I have a problem and rather than wallow, I handle things best when I come up with a plan, and well, for the last few months I haven't had one, and I've been just STUCK.
Hopefully between the new therapist (and therapy--CBT), and a new physiatrist, there is a possibility I'll turn this around. At a minimum, it's all a distraction that takes my intense focus off what I call the futility loop and focuses more on solutions.
- I have gone through three sessions with my new therapist--so far the first three sessions have been to unpack and inventory all my issues; hopefully next week's session will be some active work/therapy; in the meantime--
- The therapist recommended I download Headspace, an app for my phone, that seems like it could be a useful tool towards reducing stress with guided meditation, and possibly help me establish better sleep hygiene and exercise routine. Maharajah says he'll help me with downloading and navigating it;
- Yesterday, I ordered a pair of shoes from Orthofeet, and look forward to the day they arrive, as regardless of which pair of shoes (and which orthodics) I wear, my feet are in moderate pain;
- Today I rescheduled my eye exam for next month as I am not eligible for new eyeglasses until then;
- Monday is a consultation with yet another physiatrist (she will be the FOURTH one since 2013). Hopefully she can put some fresh eyes on my collection of issues, and hopefully help figure out whatever might be going on in my feet--as I think that's the missing link, which is exacerbating my knee, hip, and low back pain;
- Next on my to do list will be to schedule both, a pedicure and a deep tissue massage on Sunday--pedicure is a preparation for the physiatrist, as I literally want to put my best foot forward, considering that's what's going to be examined on Monday.
I have my bag packed for Monday's appointment loaded with my folio including all the hard copies of my reports and MRI/Xray CDs; a thumb drive with all the reports, my supplement schedule, and of course all the filled out new patient forms (in case they didn't receive them on their portal), as well as scanned copies of my most recent lab reports. Waze is pre-programmed with the address and appointment time. So I'm about as prepared as possible for this, and hope it won't make me too late on Monday morning.
I guess this is where I shine, when I'm not actively engaging in Eyeore-like behavior: I have a problem and rather than wallow, I handle things best when I come up with a plan, and well, for the last few months I haven't had one, and I've been just STUCK.
Hopefully between the new therapist (and therapy--CBT), and a new physiatrist, there is a possibility I'll turn this around. At a minimum, it's all a distraction that takes my intense focus off what I call the futility loop and focuses more on solutions.
Monday, February 04, 2019
Reading Is Fundamental
This morning, I was in my car with a half hour to spare before my workday started, and I decided to try to thumb through my copy of "Face Your Fear," by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. I don't know if I cannot focus on the words on the page because I have an issue or avoidance of the words, or if I need a new Rx in my glasses or something else is at play.
Admittedly, I am forever distracted.
So, I went to YouTube, in search of lectures and speeches by the rabbi, and I found this one in regards to honoring bad parents: https://youtu.be/HBTPPNYXCdQ, which I also shared with my sister.
Spoiler alert: even without watching this, I'm already doing pretty much what he suggests.
Tomorrow is another session with the new therapist, and I hope we are able to finish unpacking my issues with enough time to spare to actually start to "get to work" on things.
Still no movement on improving my sleep hygiene or getting back on the bike. Insurance approved the new CPAP, so there IS some microscopic movement going on. Progress. And still no movement on reading the "Feeling Good" book.
Perhaps I should schedule an appointment today for an eye exam.
Other than all this, things are status quo.
Admittedly, I am forever distracted.
So, I went to YouTube, in search of lectures and speeches by the rabbi, and I found this one in regards to honoring bad parents: https://youtu.be/HBTPPNYXCdQ, which I also shared with my sister.
Spoiler alert: even without watching this, I'm already doing pretty much what he suggests.
Tomorrow is another session with the new therapist, and I hope we are able to finish unpacking my issues with enough time to spare to actually start to "get to work" on things.
Still no movement on improving my sleep hygiene or getting back on the bike. Insurance approved the new CPAP, so there IS some microscopic movement going on. Progress. And still no movement on reading the "Feeling Good" book.
Perhaps I should schedule an appointment today for an eye exam.
Other than all this, things are status quo.
Friday, February 01, 2019
New Layout & More Updates Ahead
So I've been doing a bit of Kon-Marie to my blog, tidying things up, and letting go (mostly of emotional shit) that doesn't foster joy.
Sometime in the next week, I'll be updating my side panel with books I have found useful, and some useful links/resources.
Sometime in the next week, I'll be updating my side panel with books I have found useful, and some useful links/resources.
Light Reading: Advanced Glycation End Products
(Some notes from stuff I've read regarding advanced glycation end products.)
I've come to realize that pretty much all the food we eat is designed to not just sustain us, but also contribute to our ultimate demise via AGEs (things like homocysteine, or protein in our urine, for instance). Cooked foods where the Maillard reaction takes place, even more so. It's overwhelming if you fall into the same rabbit hole I have.
See also: The post I did on methylation, homocysteine etc. It's pretty useful, I think. And overwhelming, but more useful than overwhelming. YMMV.
Advanced Glycation End Products in Foods and a Practical Guide to Their Reduction in the Diet
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3704564/
Special note: Because a low or acidic pH arrests AGE development, new AGE formation in cooked meat was tested following exposure to acidic solutions (marinades) of lemon juice and vinegar.
Advanced glycation end-products: modifiable environmental factors profoundly mediate insulin resistance
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4512899/
I've come to realize that pretty much all the food we eat is designed to not just sustain us, but also contribute to our ultimate demise via AGEs (things like homocysteine, or protein in our urine, for instance). Cooked foods where the Maillard reaction takes place, even more so. It's overwhelming if you fall into the same rabbit hole I have.
See also: The post I did on methylation, homocysteine etc. It's pretty useful, I think. And overwhelming, but more useful than overwhelming. YMMV.
Advanced Glycation End Products in Foods and a Practical Guide to Their Reduction in the Diet
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3704564/
Special note: Because a low or acidic pH arrests AGE development, new AGE formation in cooked meat was tested following exposure to acidic solutions (marinades) of lemon juice and vinegar.
Advanced glycation end-products: modifiable environmental factors profoundly mediate insulin resistance
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4512899/
Trying to Make Some Sense of This
Let's face it, I journal on this blog pretty much for my own record keeping, and perhaps to share my experiences with friends who might have some of the same or similar issues etc.
So, pretty much, if you're here, you're considered a friend; and if you're here, it's because I pointed you in the direction of this blog. I invited you here.
So this blog is pretty personal--even if I am using a nom de plume.
I want to make the analogy of it being a virtual cocktail party where I've invited you; however, in reality, I have unlocked my diary, and allowed you to read my inner-most thoughts.
I feel oddly in a position to explain the title of the blog, which comes full circle back to me explaining myself. Which, is--in a word, off-putting.
I'm not going to change the name of my blog to suit a particular audience, by the way. Why? Because it would negate my experiences. My experiences of being judged or seen as invisible because I am fat or now in my 50s, or because I have valid complaints and known issues (of which I'm seeking out solutions). Additionally, as a child of a mother with borderline personality disorder, I've gone my entire life simply not being heard. Me, my thoughts, my needs, etc, have never been deemed as having value.
I could expand on this, but why should I when someone (who obviously), without reading the content of my blog posts, decides to critique the name and tone of my blog title?
Little did this person realize that they are participating in the very thing which I have fought my entire life against. It is about as ridiculous as me screaming "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater, and having someone critique the T-shirt I'm wearing that says "I'm with stupid."
This is where I remind myself that not everyone who is "friendly" is an actual friend. Sure--some are friendly acquaintances--if that--but most are passers-by. And if you've read far enough into my blog and its archives, I have a flow chart of sorts in my head--and beneath each person's name are two potential options: 1. Twinkie? 2. Dairy product?
All I know is a friend wouldn't (or shouldn't) start with criticisms, when someone has trusted you enough to share their inner-most personal thoughts and struggles.
I doubt the critic will revisit my blog, knowing what a negative vibe they got just from the title--and that's okay; however, if they do revisit, and they decide to read this post, they are cordially invited to think critically for a hot second and realize that not every opinion needs to be elucidated. This, I think, is a by-product of social media, that sense of narcissism of "Omg! I need to express all of my opinions, all the time, even on the FB walls, Twitter feeds, or blog posts of everyone I know!"
Yes yes, your grandmother was right: "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." I'll expand on that further with a chestnut I crafted myself, "If you have nothing loving or supportive to say--I'll gladly accept your silence."
This is my blog, my prerogative; just like I have censored myself countless times elsewhere on the internet because, quite frankly, I know my thoughts and opinions aren't welcome 100% of the time with 100% of audiences. But see? Right there? It's called awareness.
Here endeth the sermon.
So, pretty much, if you're here, you're considered a friend; and if you're here, it's because I pointed you in the direction of this blog. I invited you here.
So this blog is pretty personal--even if I am using a nom de plume.
I want to make the analogy of it being a virtual cocktail party where I've invited you; however, in reality, I have unlocked my diary, and allowed you to read my inner-most thoughts.
I feel oddly in a position to explain the title of the blog, which comes full circle back to me explaining myself. Which, is--in a word, off-putting.
I'm not going to change the name of my blog to suit a particular audience, by the way. Why? Because it would negate my experiences. My experiences of being judged or seen as invisible because I am fat or now in my 50s, or because I have valid complaints and known issues (of which I'm seeking out solutions). Additionally, as a child of a mother with borderline personality disorder, I've gone my entire life simply not being heard. Me, my thoughts, my needs, etc, have never been deemed as having value.
I could expand on this, but why should I when someone (who obviously), without reading the content of my blog posts, decides to critique the name and tone of my blog title?
Little did this person realize that they are participating in the very thing which I have fought my entire life against. It is about as ridiculous as me screaming "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater, and having someone critique the T-shirt I'm wearing that says "I'm with stupid."
This is where I remind myself that not everyone who is "friendly" is an actual friend. Sure--some are friendly acquaintances--if that--but most are passers-by. And if you've read far enough into my blog and its archives, I have a flow chart of sorts in my head--and beneath each person's name are two potential options: 1. Twinkie? 2. Dairy product?
All I know is a friend wouldn't (or shouldn't) start with criticisms, when someone has trusted you enough to share their inner-most personal thoughts and struggles.
I doubt the critic will revisit my blog, knowing what a negative vibe they got just from the title--and that's okay; however, if they do revisit, and they decide to read this post, they are cordially invited to think critically for a hot second and realize that not every opinion needs to be elucidated. This, I think, is a by-product of social media, that sense of narcissism of "Omg! I need to express all of my opinions, all the time, even on the FB walls, Twitter feeds, or blog posts of everyone I know!"
Yes yes, your grandmother was right: "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." I'll expand on that further with a chestnut I crafted myself, "If you have nothing loving or supportive to say--I'll gladly accept your silence."
This is my blog, my prerogative; just like I have censored myself countless times elsewhere on the internet because, quite frankly, I know my thoughts and opinions aren't welcome 100% of the time with 100% of audiences. But see? Right there? It's called awareness.
Here endeth the sermon.
Monday, January 28, 2019
What's In a Name?
So. I found out today when I did a search on Twitter, APPARENTLY! there is an alternative meaning behind CBT. I was doing a search to see if folks tweeted about cognitive behavioral therapy--and turns out CBT is also shorthand for cock and ball torture.
Here endeth today's lesson.
Here endeth today's lesson.
My Reading List (Are you sensing a theme?)
Here is an inventory of books I have read on my self-help journey.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
The Sociopath Next Door
The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again
Face Your Fear: Living with Courage in an Age of Caution **
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy **
Anyone who knows me, knows the theme to this particular reading list. I view each book suggested to me as a life-line friends have given me along my path. I have derived a lot of benefit out of all of these books--some books more so than others, but there's something useful to be found in all of these books.
Regarding the two books at the end of the list, and why do they have asterisks?
The book, Face Your Fear, has been on my bookshelf for years, and this weekend in the course of doing an annual culling, I have spared this book from this year's culling. I opened up the book to where my bookmark was where I left it, and I immediately was hooked (again). I think enough time has elapsed from when I last started reading it, and I think I am more receptive to actually facing my fears. Rabbi Boteach is a great writer, so it will no doubt be a wise investment of time.
The last book on the list--well, there's a bit of a back story regarding this book--and a TWIST, an interesting development.
About five years ago (+/-), I sought out a consultation with a psychiatrist to see if they could test my brain chemistry. I was hitting rock bottom again, and before I entertained going back on antidepressants** again, I wanted to find out which particular neuro-chemical was out of whack. My thinking was that I didn't want to waste more time on a seratonin reuptake inhibitor, if let's say, my dopamine was the real culprit.
I was up front when I made the appointment about the nature of my consultation. They wasted my time. I sat there and was assessed, and wasted an hour (or more, if you factor in the time to go into NYC and back home again), only to be informed "we don't do that." The doctor then handed off a free copy of the book Feeling Good, and I was on my way.
At the time, I thumbed through the book, and scoffed at the idea of THINKING my way out of depression. I'm a smart woman. Surely, if it were possible, I would have figured it out by now, so why am I still struggling?
So, five years ago, in my annual culling, I got rid of Feeling Good. And in the course of a conversation recently (within the last 2-3 months) did I mention and suggest this book to a friend (a friend who had recommended at least two books on the above-mentioned reading list). So I re-read the editorial reviews and the customer reviews on Amazon, and decided I was too hasty in culling the book, and I ended up buying another copy.
Right around the same time frame when I was suggesting the book to my friend**, I had a pretty horrible thing happen to me professionally and personally, and I realized I needed to dump my therapist of nine years, of which, I've posted about and alluded to within this blog as well as the blog devoted to my mom and other dysfunctional relatives.
January 3rd I did the deed, anddumped FIRED my therapist, and started a quest to find a new one. It took me two straight weeks of making calls and refining my search several times until I found the person who I hope will decide to continue on as my therapist.
Now for the twist: The type of CBT she utilizes is the one the book Feeling Good is based upon.
So, while I am frustrated at the idea of my previous therapist holding me back for nine years, and I have nothing to show for all that time, no progress, no new job or an improved emotional or physical state; I *DID* have the POTENTIAL solution in my hot little hands FIVE YEARS AGO.
Confession: One of the many problems I have is my inability to finish things I start. Several of the books listed above I started and read 75-90% of the way through and got distracted or lost interest or or or... well, I am the queen of excuses. I think ultimately, my problem is that I have not made myself a big enough priority.
**It bears sharing, that I have gotten more therapeutic benefit out of my friendship with "S" than I got out of nine years with a professional therapist & social worker. I only hope that I have been as big of a support to him as he's been to me. Between his support, and the Maharajah--I honestly don't know where I'd be, and for whatever amount of wallowing I allow myself to do, it's a splinter's worth of what it'd be without these two valuable supports in my life.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
The Sociopath Next Door
The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again
Face Your Fear: Living with Courage in an Age of Caution **
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy **
Anyone who knows me, knows the theme to this particular reading list. I view each book suggested to me as a life-line friends have given me along my path. I have derived a lot of benefit out of all of these books--some books more so than others, but there's something useful to be found in all of these books.
Regarding the two books at the end of the list, and why do they have asterisks?
The book, Face Your Fear, has been on my bookshelf for years, and this weekend in the course of doing an annual culling, I have spared this book from this year's culling. I opened up the book to where my bookmark was where I left it, and I immediately was hooked (again). I think enough time has elapsed from when I last started reading it, and I think I am more receptive to actually facing my fears. Rabbi Boteach is a great writer, so it will no doubt be a wise investment of time.
The last book on the list--well, there's a bit of a back story regarding this book--and a TWIST, an interesting development.
About five years ago (+/-), I sought out a consultation with a psychiatrist to see if they could test my brain chemistry. I was hitting rock bottom again, and before I entertained going back on antidepressants** again, I wanted to find out which particular neuro-chemical was out of whack. My thinking was that I didn't want to waste more time on a seratonin reuptake inhibitor, if let's say, my dopamine was the real culprit.
I was up front when I made the appointment about the nature of my consultation. They wasted my time. I sat there and was assessed, and wasted an hour (or more, if you factor in the time to go into NYC and back home again), only to be informed "we don't do that." The doctor then handed off a free copy of the book Feeling Good, and I was on my way.
At the time, I thumbed through the book, and scoffed at the idea of THINKING my way out of depression. I'm a smart woman. Surely, if it were possible, I would have figured it out by now, so why am I still struggling?
So, five years ago, in my annual culling, I got rid of Feeling Good. And in the course of a conversation recently (within the last 2-3 months) did I mention and suggest this book to a friend (a friend who had recommended at least two books on the above-mentioned reading list). So I re-read the editorial reviews and the customer reviews on Amazon, and decided I was too hasty in culling the book, and I ended up buying another copy.
Right around the same time frame when I was suggesting the book to my friend**, I had a pretty horrible thing happen to me professionally and personally, and I realized I needed to dump my therapist of nine years, of which, I've posted about and alluded to within this blog as well as the blog devoted to my mom and other dysfunctional relatives.
January 3rd I did the deed, and
Now for the twist: The type of CBT she utilizes is the one the book Feeling Good is based upon.
So, while I am frustrated at the idea of my previous therapist holding me back for nine years, and I have nothing to show for all that time, no progress, no new job or an improved emotional or physical state; I *DID* have the POTENTIAL solution in my hot little hands FIVE YEARS AGO.
Confession: One of the many problems I have is my inability to finish things I start. Several of the books listed above I started and read 75-90% of the way through and got distracted or lost interest or or or... well, I am the queen of excuses. I think ultimately, my problem is that I have not made myself a big enough priority.
**It bears sharing, that I have gotten more therapeutic benefit out of my friendship with "S" than I got out of nine years with a professional therapist & social worker. I only hope that I have been as big of a support to him as he's been to me. Between his support, and the Maharajah--I honestly don't know where I'd be, and for whatever amount of wallowing I allow myself to do, it's a splinter's worth of what it'd be without these two valuable supports in my life.
Kaizen 2019: Day One
I had hopes on January 1, to get back into the swing of things THEN; however, it's taken me 27 additional days before I got back on my bike.
I knocked out 30 minutes this morning.
Tomorrow is my 2nd (of 2) assessments regarding CBT in the morning, so no bike until Wednesday.
Stay tuned to see if I get back on it on Weds--if that happens, hopefully, I'll be able to kickstart my habit again, but all I know is TODAY I managed to make myself a priority first thing in the morning.
Perhaps I'll start drinking more water, too.
PERHAPS.
I knocked out 30 minutes this morning.
Tomorrow is my 2nd (of 2) assessments regarding CBT in the morning, so no bike until Wednesday.
Stay tuned to see if I get back on it on Weds--if that happens, hopefully, I'll be able to kickstart my habit again, but all I know is TODAY I managed to make myself a priority first thing in the morning.
Perhaps I'll start drinking more water, too.
PERHAPS.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
This Year's Project: CBT
Today was the first of two appointments, which are assessments for CBT, which I hope will help me move forward.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Just Burn It All To The Ground
Just divorce me.
Just fire me.
Just put a bullet in the base of my skull directly into my brain stem to shut everything down ASAP.
I am in the abyss and I cannot extricate myself.
Fuck you for your silence.
Just fire me.
Just put a bullet in the base of my skull directly into my brain stem to shut everything down ASAP.
I am in the abyss and I cannot extricate myself.
Fuck you for your silence.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Intermittent Wallowing
Still wallowing and feeling sorry for myself and HOLY SHIT AM I DEPRESSED!
Yet, I still managed to continue my search for my next therapist. I called a psychology group where two therapists on my list are located. So now I hurry up and wait for them to give a call back. If I get no traction with either candidate, next week I will reorganize my efforts and contact the insurance company and see about preferred and participating practitioners nearby.
Eleven days into the new year (eight of which have been since I fired my previous therapist), and I feel like I am stuck at square one.
In addition to contacting today's candidates, I also managed to schedule an appointment with a neurologist for a consultation in my on-going quest to find out what is at the root of all the pain.
Living in pain, anxiety, depression is no way to live. The more pain I have, the more depressed I am, and the more depressed and anxious I am, the more I am stuck in my cycle of pain.
Also worthwhile mentioning, the Maharajah got a bottle of CBD oil, and I used some on my knee, elbow and low back, and I don't know how long I should use it before I start to notice any results. But at least it's one more thing to tick off my list of things that we tried.
I guess.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to lunch and self-medicate with some fried chicken.
Yet, I still managed to continue my search for my next therapist. I called a psychology group where two therapists on my list are located. So now I hurry up and wait for them to give a call back. If I get no traction with either candidate, next week I will reorganize my efforts and contact the insurance company and see about preferred and participating practitioners nearby.
Eleven days into the new year (eight of which have been since I fired my previous therapist), and I feel like I am stuck at square one.
In addition to contacting today's candidates, I also managed to schedule an appointment with a neurologist for a consultation in my on-going quest to find out what is at the root of all the pain.
Living in pain, anxiety, depression is no way to live. The more pain I have, the more depressed I am, and the more depressed and anxious I am, the more I am stuck in my cycle of pain.
Also worthwhile mentioning, the Maharajah got a bottle of CBD oil, and I used some on my knee, elbow and low back, and I don't know how long I should use it before I start to notice any results. But at least it's one more thing to tick off my list of things that we tried.
I guess.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to lunch and self-medicate with some fried chicken.
Monday, January 07, 2019
New Year--Same Old Me
To say I am struggling is an understatement.
I have backslid on my bike routine to zero. I made an attempt on New Year's Day to reinvigorate my bike habit and managed to get in the saddle precisely once in the new year.
My trip to India decimated me physically. The trip was arduous, though surrounded by loving people. And then there was the lingering question of whether I was infected with Swine Flu or not, and here I am. Wallowing, and depressed, and (SURPRISE SURPRISE) still in pain.
My mom is still up to her usual routine, so I've tucked her away in the box in my mind, and I'm choosing not to deal with her unless absolutely necessary as there is zero return on that investment--and I have not allocated even one solitary SPARE fuck with which to dispense on that charity case.
Additionally, I did the deed on 1/3, and my first official act of 2019 was dismissing the therapist with whom I have had sessions since 2009. Periodically throughout the 9 years, I'd reassess about every 18-24 months (so roughly five times) whether I have gone as far as I can with our therapy sessions, was I meeting my goals?
To be honest, I've gotten far more tangible benefit out of my interactions with a friend of mine in Northern Ireland, who is on a similar journey. He and I check in periodically (sometimes multiple times daily, to sometimes less often) and he's been a great sounding board and a wonderful support for me. Additionally, he's recommended several books to me, and I've bought several and derived a lot of benefit out of them--so much benefit, I've decided to try to find a new therapist, one who specializes in schema or EMDR (or both) therapy. Sad to say, but I feel my prior therapist was keeping me stuck.
By the time of our last session (December 26th), my mind was made up that I needed to make a change. It was time for him to "cut bait," and I'm ready to go fish. I've wanted and needed far more structure in our sessions. Instead, for nine years it was pretty much me doing word vomit until we find something interesting, and we chew on it a little bit and before I knew it, our time was up. I was always the one to remind him, or circle back to what we talked about in our previous session. I always used our sessions as a way of organizing thoughts and I'd always come away from our sessions with a "to do list" which I created myself. The next session would involve me ticking off which items were done.
The "October Discussion" at work was enough for me to realize my coping mechanisms are failing me. I need more substantive coping mechanisms and conflict resolution skills. I need to address the underlying issues and schemas which shape me, and my actions/reactions in the world. I am tired of ME holding ME back. But really it's not ME, it's the garbage and abuse I suffered, but it's really MY RESPONSE to all those past experiences which is holding me back today.
The short list of things I want to accomplish with my new therapist, in no particular order:
1. Somehow heal from the stuff done to me (or at least the stuff I am AWARE that was done to me);
2. Stop negative self-talk;
3. Stop being risk-averse;
4. Change my fixed mindset to a growth-oriented mindset;
5. Establish and maintain healthier habits regarding sleep & exercise.
One thing I have become super aware of as of late is how all my life I had been given "crumbs" in life, people closest to me giving me scant attention or love or support (or or or...fill in the blank), and with the abandonment schema being a big thing for me--I have been cultivated to have a disproportionate amount of appreciation for those crumbs--the tiniest of gestures get over-inflated in my mind, and interpreted far more intensely and with more importance than I should.
All my life, I've been fed crumbs, and have been led to act as if it were a fucking feast served to me. I am officially tired of being Oliver Twist--and I won't be imploring, "Please---I want some more" from anyone anymore.
My work-life and interior life are out of harmony. My depression and anxiety and pain are the ones in control now. I am on cruise-control and not sure how or when this will change. If there were a way for me to will myself to cease existing, it would have happened by now.
I have long held the opinion that some friendships are like Twinkies, and others are like dairy products.
Surely, a glass of cold milk and a Twinkie make a pleasant snack, and we need a mix of these friendship types in our tribes/herds/circles of friends.
Twinkies are durable, reliable, and long-standing. They will be ready for you when you want or need them. They literally stand the test of time.
Dairy products, on the other hand, have a much shorter shelf life--you're lucky if a gallon of milk lasts a week after opening it.
So before you reply--if you reply--ask yourself on question: Are YOU a Twinkie?
Seems like a supercilious question; however, let's just say, I've built up a "lactose intolerance" of sorts.
I'm done "paying it forward." I'm done making deposits into the bank account of good will. I'm tired of takers taking without reciprocating.
And if any of this angers you--I'll revert back to one of my dad's sayings, "Don't go away mad, just go away."
If you're not actively helping or playing a supporting role in things, you are part of my collection of problems. So, in short, I won't be chasing after anyone anymore. I will be in what I call "the power position." I'm going to work pretty hard at being able to identify and NOT insert myself in situations, unnecessarily.
I have backslid on my bike routine to zero. I made an attempt on New Year's Day to reinvigorate my bike habit and managed to get in the saddle precisely once in the new year.
My trip to India decimated me physically. The trip was arduous, though surrounded by loving people. And then there was the lingering question of whether I was infected with Swine Flu or not, and here I am. Wallowing, and depressed, and (SURPRISE SURPRISE) still in pain.
My mom is still up to her usual routine, so I've tucked her away in the box in my mind, and I'm choosing not to deal with her unless absolutely necessary as there is zero return on that investment--and I have not allocated even one solitary SPARE fuck with which to dispense on that charity case.
Additionally, I did the deed on 1/3, and my first official act of 2019 was dismissing the therapist with whom I have had sessions since 2009. Periodically throughout the 9 years, I'd reassess about every 18-24 months (so roughly five times) whether I have gone as far as I can with our therapy sessions, was I meeting my goals?
To be honest, I've gotten far more tangible benefit out of my interactions with a friend of mine in Northern Ireland, who is on a similar journey. He and I check in periodically (sometimes multiple times daily, to sometimes less often) and he's been a great sounding board and a wonderful support for me. Additionally, he's recommended several books to me, and I've bought several and derived a lot of benefit out of them--so much benefit, I've decided to try to find a new therapist, one who specializes in schema or EMDR (or both) therapy. Sad to say, but I feel my prior therapist was keeping me stuck.
By the time of our last session (December 26th), my mind was made up that I needed to make a change. It was time for him to "cut bait," and I'm ready to go fish. I've wanted and needed far more structure in our sessions. Instead, for nine years it was pretty much me doing word vomit until we find something interesting, and we chew on it a little bit and before I knew it, our time was up. I was always the one to remind him, or circle back to what we talked about in our previous session. I always used our sessions as a way of organizing thoughts and I'd always come away from our sessions with a "to do list" which I created myself. The next session would involve me ticking off which items were done.
The "October Discussion" at work was enough for me to realize my coping mechanisms are failing me. I need more substantive coping mechanisms and conflict resolution skills. I need to address the underlying issues and schemas which shape me, and my actions/reactions in the world. I am tired of ME holding ME back. But really it's not ME, it's the garbage and abuse I suffered, but it's really MY RESPONSE to all those past experiences which is holding me back today.
The short list of things I want to accomplish with my new therapist, in no particular order:
1. Somehow heal from the stuff done to me (or at least the stuff I am AWARE that was done to me);
2. Stop negative self-talk;
3. Stop being risk-averse;
4. Change my fixed mindset to a growth-oriented mindset;
5. Establish and maintain healthier habits regarding sleep & exercise.
One thing I have become super aware of as of late is how all my life I had been given "crumbs" in life, people closest to me giving me scant attention or love or support (or or or...fill in the blank), and with the abandonment schema being a big thing for me--I have been cultivated to have a disproportionate amount of appreciation for those crumbs--the tiniest of gestures get over-inflated in my mind, and interpreted far more intensely and with more importance than I should.
All my life, I've been fed crumbs, and have been led to act as if it were a fucking feast served to me. I am officially tired of being Oliver Twist--and I won't be imploring, "Please---I want some more" from anyone anymore.
My work-life and interior life are out of harmony. My depression and anxiety and pain are the ones in control now. I am on cruise-control and not sure how or when this will change. If there were a way for me to will myself to cease existing, it would have happened by now.
I have long held the opinion that some friendships are like Twinkies, and others are like dairy products.
Surely, a glass of cold milk and a Twinkie make a pleasant snack, and we need a mix of these friendship types in our tribes/herds/circles of friends.
Twinkies are durable, reliable, and long-standing. They will be ready for you when you want or need them. They literally stand the test of time.
Dairy products, on the other hand, have a much shorter shelf life--you're lucky if a gallon of milk lasts a week after opening it.
So before you reply--if you reply--ask yourself on question: Are YOU a Twinkie?
Seems like a supercilious question; however, let's just say, I've built up a "lactose intolerance" of sorts.
I'm done "paying it forward." I'm done making deposits into the bank account of good will. I'm tired of takers taking without reciprocating.
And if any of this angers you--I'll revert back to one of my dad's sayings, "Don't go away mad, just go away."
If you're not actively helping or playing a supporting role in things, you are part of my collection of problems. So, in short, I won't be chasing after anyone anymore. I will be in what I call "the power position." I'm going to work pretty hard at being able to identify and NOT insert myself in situations, unnecessarily.
Tuesday, December 04, 2018
Kaizen: Day 272
Thanks to my travels last month, I have backslid ENTIRELY. I have not been on my bike in about 34 days.
I thought while I was in India, I'd use the exercise room at my in-laws' apartment complex, but that would've involved an escort, and it was too damned hot and humid for me to consider expending any additional energy.
While In India, I did manage to get an aryuvedic massage at the ashram I was staying at in Kumbakonam; and I later went to an aryuvedic doctor in Madras to hopefully get some solution/s to my chronic pains. So there's that--I managed to do SOMETHING towards my goals, but in the meantime I backslid entirely.
Then there was Thanksgiving, and work, and no real amount of downtime for me to recover from everything, and here I am 34 days and no bike.
I've set two alarms: one in the evening with a reminder SLEEP HYGIENE! to hopefully motivate me to get out of my heated zero gravity chair and brush my teeth and take my meds and set up some things for the following day, and hopefully get into bed by a decent time (no such luck--I ignore this alarm every damned night); and one in the morning at 6 a.m., hoping one day I'll just "Five Second Rule" myself out of bed and onto my bike.
Couple all this up with the fact I haven't talked to my therapist since the third week of October, and since he's going through chemo it is doubtful/unlikely/uncertain when (if at all) I will speak with him again before the year is out.
But come January, I will be seeking out a new therapist to hopefully help me work through and manage my schemas, and hopefully help me with my mindset.
That all said, despite not getting out of bed this morning, I did manage to hit the snooze alarm--and I used my resistance bands and started back into THAT routine. Hopefully I'll be motivated tomorrow to do it too. And with any luck, maybe Saturday I'll get back on the bike. Maybe.
I thought while I was in India, I'd use the exercise room at my in-laws' apartment complex, but that would've involved an escort, and it was too damned hot and humid for me to consider expending any additional energy.
While In India, I did manage to get an aryuvedic massage at the ashram I was staying at in Kumbakonam; and I later went to an aryuvedic doctor in Madras to hopefully get some solution/s to my chronic pains. So there's that--I managed to do SOMETHING towards my goals, but in the meantime I backslid entirely.
Then there was Thanksgiving, and work, and no real amount of downtime for me to recover from everything, and here I am 34 days and no bike.
I've set two alarms: one in the evening with a reminder SLEEP HYGIENE! to hopefully motivate me to get out of my heated zero gravity chair and brush my teeth and take my meds and set up some things for the following day, and hopefully get into bed by a decent time (no such luck--I ignore this alarm every damned night); and one in the morning at 6 a.m., hoping one day I'll just "Five Second Rule" myself out of bed and onto my bike.
Couple all this up with the fact I haven't talked to my therapist since the third week of October, and since he's going through chemo it is doubtful/unlikely/uncertain when (if at all) I will speak with him again before the year is out.
But come January, I will be seeking out a new therapist to hopefully help me work through and manage my schemas, and hopefully help me with my mindset.
That all said, despite not getting out of bed this morning, I did manage to hit the snooze alarm--and I used my resistance bands and started back into THAT routine. Hopefully I'll be motivated tomorrow to do it too. And with any luck, maybe Saturday I'll get back on the bike. Maybe.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Kaizen: Day 258
I have backslid 100%.
Prior to our recent trip abroad, I had something horrible/challenging happen to me at work, which ended up depressing me. However, something useful did come of it all, and I've decided to find a person who specializes in schema therapy.
Then our trip abroad effectively gummed up the works and got me 100% off my schedule regarding my bike.
Despite that, while we were away, I did manage to go to both, an aryurvedic ashram, and another aryurvedic clinic while we were away, where I received aryuvedic massages, and at the second place, supplements and exercises to help facilitate some change in my collection of pain issues.
Only time will tell if it will ultimately help.
And Thanksgiving will be here in "one day and a wake up," so there's no chance of getting back in any kind of routine until AFTER the holiday.
Next month, I have three appointments set, and hope to get some good news from my kidney guy--good news in the form of a discussion that goes thusly, "Okay, tell me what you're doing differently." I feel like I'm battling an invisible dragon in regards to my protein levels in my urine.
Anyway, more to report in a couple weeks or so (I hope).
Prior to our recent trip abroad, I had something horrible/challenging happen to me at work, which ended up depressing me. However, something useful did come of it all, and I've decided to find a person who specializes in schema therapy.
Then our trip abroad effectively gummed up the works and got me 100% off my schedule regarding my bike.
Despite that, while we were away, I did manage to go to both, an aryurvedic ashram, and another aryurvedic clinic while we were away, where I received aryuvedic massages, and at the second place, supplements and exercises to help facilitate some change in my collection of pain issues.
Only time will tell if it will ultimately help.
And Thanksgiving will be here in "one day and a wake up," so there's no chance of getting back in any kind of routine until AFTER the holiday.
Next month, I have three appointments set, and hope to get some good news from my kidney guy--good news in the form of a discussion that goes thusly, "Okay, tell me what you're doing differently." I feel like I'm battling an invisible dragon in regards to my protein levels in my urine.
Anyway, more to report in a couple weeks or so (I hope).
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Not That It Matters
And I doubt it heavily, whether anyone reads this blog, though I DO blog for my own self, purposes and record keeping...
I am becoming increasingly more depressed.
Between the ongoing pain issues that won't resolve themselves fully, and dealing with some family bullshit head on, and everything else I listed in my litany yesterday about how my August has been off-kilter, I'm depressed.
I ditched Facebook finally last month, and that has cut down/damn near eliminated my online socializing completely. So rather than feeling shitty about seeing friends interacting with other people and not responding to message I've sent them, I now am feeling shitty about the void, the abyss, the abject lack of give a fuck by people I considered friends.
I updated my contact list before ditching FB, and I am actually going to identify which people I remain in contact with, and adjust myself and my expectations accordingly.
Surely, I expect too much from people. This is the far better thing to think rather than to think that so many people were just superficial/casual acquaintances (with 1-2 shared common interests) rather than actual friends.
This isn't a boo hoo attempt at attention whoring. I am physically and emotionally drained, so everything else gets analyzed and perhaps exaggerated a bit as a result.
I am becoming increasingly more depressed.
Between the ongoing pain issues that won't resolve themselves fully, and dealing with some family bullshit head on, and everything else I listed in my litany yesterday about how my August has been off-kilter, I'm depressed.
I ditched Facebook finally last month, and that has cut down/damn near eliminated my online socializing completely. So rather than feeling shitty about seeing friends interacting with other people and not responding to message I've sent them, I now am feeling shitty about the void, the abyss, the abject lack of give a fuck by people I considered friends.
I updated my contact list before ditching FB, and I am actually going to identify which people I remain in contact with, and adjust myself and my expectations accordingly.
Surely, I expect too much from people. This is the far better thing to think rather than to think that so many people were just superficial/casual acquaintances (with 1-2 shared common interests) rather than actual friends.
This isn't a boo hoo attempt at attention whoring. I am physically and emotionally drained, so everything else gets analyzed and perhaps exaggerated a bit as a result.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Kaizen: Day 173
Maintaining 30 minutes on the bike daily. Though for a while there, I was setting an alarm to get up by 5:55 every day, and was knocking out an hour a day, Monday-Friday. Then I dropped down to Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
For the last few weeks I've been very flat, perhaps even depressed. Of the litany of reasons why my mood is bottoming out might be:
1. August's heat and humidity.
2. Spending the majority of the month without my co-worker who sits closest to me (who is the first person I see daily and is a very positive person).
3. I have been on Jury duty for the last few weeks.
4. I told off a petty, trouble-making relative.
5. I turned 50 this month.
6. Or it might be a combination of these things.
Also worth mentioning, that for the entire month of August, my physical therapy appointments which normally are on Saturday mornings, had to be moved to Tuesday nights this month, because my physical therapist isn't available--and this really threw a monkey wrench into the structure of my Saturdays, as my physical therapy appointments were the catalyst to get me out of the house, and into motion do do doing things. So my whole routine has been off, and I just feel wiped out.
I haven't done anything towards improving my sleep hygiene, and I'm still struggling to get out of bed in the morning, and by extension, this is impacting how much time I get on the bike. Plus, we've had a few cool evenings, which makes it great sleeping weather, so once I finally DO drop off, the last thing I want to do is get out of bed.
This weekend, I didn't bother getting on the bike at all, so I absolutely had to make an attempt today, otherwise, I was fearful of backsliding completely.
I'm keeping up with all my supplementation and self-care.
Physical therapy tomorrow, and chiropractic on Thursday. Beyond this, nothing new to report.
*Note: Physical therapy never happened. This therapist became increasingly more difficult to schedule appointments with. His unavailability was part of a greater cascade of events which have actually added to my pain, anxiety, and depression issues.
For the last few weeks I've been very flat, perhaps even depressed. Of the litany of reasons why my mood is bottoming out might be:
1. August's heat and humidity.
2. Spending the majority of the month without my co-worker who sits closest to me (who is the first person I see daily and is a very positive person).
3. I have been on Jury duty for the last few weeks.
4. I told off a petty, trouble-making relative.
5. I turned 50 this month.
6. Or it might be a combination of these things.
Also worth mentioning, that for the entire month of August, my physical therapy appointments which normally are on Saturday mornings, had to be moved to Tuesday nights this month, because my physical therapist isn't available--and this really threw a monkey wrench into the structure of my Saturdays, as my physical therapy appointments were the catalyst to get me out of the house, and into motion do do doing things. So my whole routine has been off, and I just feel wiped out.
I haven't done anything towards improving my sleep hygiene, and I'm still struggling to get out of bed in the morning, and by extension, this is impacting how much time I get on the bike. Plus, we've had a few cool evenings, which makes it great sleeping weather, so once I finally DO drop off, the last thing I want to do is get out of bed.
This weekend, I didn't bother getting on the bike at all, so I absolutely had to make an attempt today, otherwise, I was fearful of backsliding completely.
I'm keeping up with all my supplementation and self-care.
Physical therapy tomorrow, and chiropractic on Thursday. Beyond this, nothing new to report.
*Note: Physical therapy never happened. This therapist became increasingly more difficult to schedule appointments with. His unavailability was part of a greater cascade of events which have actually added to my pain, anxiety, and depression issues.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Kaizen: Day 111
Got up at 6 a.m.
I knocked out 30 minutes on the bike, packed my lunch, and managed to make a batch of Beef Burgundy in my pressure cooker, before showering up and heading out for an 8 a.m. orthopedic appointment which was booked spontaneously yesterday.
Not to belabor the point, but I'm in a LOT of pain. The NP has been going through the motions to file an appeal with the insurance company to approve the hyaluronic gel injections for my knee. This has been going on since May, as I was hoping to get the shots on schedule in June. And here it is, June is almost over and no shots.
I called the NP to follow up on a voicemail she left me, and mentioned how much pain I am in, and can I get a cortisone shot in the interim while we wait for the insurance appeal process to conclude.
I got the shot in the knee, plus an Rx for more PT, plus an Rx for meloxicam.
On my to do list today, I need to update my supplement list, and email that PLUS my full radiology packet to the NP.
Perhaps some TEMPORARY relief is in sight.
PERHAPS.
While I am philosophically opposed to cortisone, for what I feel are justifiable reasons, at this point, I'd snort Draino if someone said it would help. I view the cortisone as = to Draino at this point.
Doing nothing, as always, is not an option for me. Even sitting still, appearing inert, I am always thinking.
The only card I can play right now is to do whatever is necessary to keep walking, and at the moment, the cortisone + meloxicam is the only option for me (well, the only option, in addition to my regimen of chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, and physical therapy).
Look how dismissive I am about "the only card." On the surface, I'm so dismissive as if I only had one of a kind; but the reality is, I have either four of a kind, or possibly 1 card shy of a full house. (I need to get better about my playing card analogies.)
I knocked out 30 minutes on the bike, packed my lunch, and managed to make a batch of Beef Burgundy in my pressure cooker, before showering up and heading out for an 8 a.m. orthopedic appointment which was booked spontaneously yesterday.
Not to belabor the point, but I'm in a LOT of pain. The NP has been going through the motions to file an appeal with the insurance company to approve the hyaluronic gel injections for my knee. This has been going on since May, as I was hoping to get the shots on schedule in June. And here it is, June is almost over and no shots.
I called the NP to follow up on a voicemail she left me, and mentioned how much pain I am in, and can I get a cortisone shot in the interim while we wait for the insurance appeal process to conclude.
I got the shot in the knee, plus an Rx for more PT, plus an Rx for meloxicam.
On my to do list today, I need to update my supplement list, and email that PLUS my full radiology packet to the NP.
Perhaps some TEMPORARY relief is in sight.
PERHAPS.
While I am philosophically opposed to cortisone, for what I feel are justifiable reasons, at this point, I'd snort Draino if someone said it would help. I view the cortisone as = to Draino at this point.
Doing nothing, as always, is not an option for me. Even sitting still, appearing inert, I am always thinking.
The only card I can play right now is to do whatever is necessary to keep walking, and at the moment, the cortisone + meloxicam is the only option for me (well, the only option, in addition to my regimen of chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, and physical therapy).
Look how dismissive I am about "the only card." On the surface, I'm so dismissive as if I only had one of a kind; but the reality is, I have either four of a kind, or possibly 1 card shy of a full house. (I need to get better about my playing card analogies.)
Friday, June 22, 2018
All The News That's Fit To Blog
Oh crap. I thought I had enough stamina and give a fuck to sit here and peck out an update regarding Monday's trinity of appointments. I guess I'll have to do a quick and dirty.
Appt #1: Rheumatologist. Clear bill of health. No auto-immune inflammatory diseases causing my pain. NEWEST DIAGNOSIS: enthesitis. On an upnote, my blood pressure was 110/64, so apparently, the combination of riding my bike 30 minutes each day, PLUS tinkering with my magnesium formulation (I transitioned from magnesium oxide which I was on for years, to magnesium glycinate, and in the last 3 weeks I transitioned to magnesium taurate). My bp was trending lower when I got my bp checked before acupuncture appointments, but this was my lowest reading yet.
Appt #2: Orthopedic surgeon. I went for a consult to see if I could get surgery on my knee. Turns out, despite the degeneration and oseophytes in the knee, I'm not "there yet," and the result of the physical exam was that the bulk of my pain isn't from the degeneration in the knee, but is soft tissue realted. Second diagnosis of the day: enthesitis.
Appt #3: Endocrinologist. I decided to err on the side of being conservative and seek out an endocrinologist. It was 14 long years of going 3-4 times a year to my former endo, and I was hoping I could get away without an endo. Initially I thought my GP could handle things, and then I got it in my head that a possible mover-and-shaker for the pain might be hypothyroid. The appointment was informative and uplifting, and I don't have to go back for another year.
So while yes, the results were good and positive: Yes, my blood pressure is the lowest it's been since I was in my early 20s; and NO, I don't have RA, Psoriatic Arthritis, Fibro, etc; and NO I don't need surgery yet--getting a diagnosis of enthesitis doesn't really help me. I already knew or sensed what this IS (pretty much it's a systemic tendonitis and inflammation of the enthesis, the point where tendons attach to the bone--and possible arthritis related to this too), it doesn't help me eliminate or even minimize my pain.
Hell, even my theory of it being pseudogout was a nonstarter--as my TSH report from the endocrinologist came back well within normal parameters.
The day was beautiful, and appt 1 and appt 3 were both at the same location, with the ortho blowing a hole through my day by not being able to move that appointment later in the afternoon.
Appt #1 and Appt #3 were at E85th, and Appt #2 was at E38th. And well, once Appt #2 was over, I convinced myself to WALK back to E85th. And I did more walking afterwards, and before I knew it, by the time I got home, I realized I overdid things. Here it is, four days later, and I am now walking with my cane. If I have a good day, a good day is as bad as a bad day (or perhaps even WORSE than a bad day), because I end up overdoing things and paying a hefty price for days or weeks after.
Imagine it. Me. In pain. Back, hip, knee, groin, you name it, and I managed to walk this far.
I have no recourse for treatment other than to find YET ANOTHER physiatrist*, start from scratch with them, get more Rx for PT, perhaps get some cortisone shots (yes, plural) and hope that helps get me through the hump. And I've been doing a bit of research regarding buying a cool laser so I can treat myself at home. Pricey! But I am sure it will all even out, if I were to factor in how many appointments I'd need with my chiropractor before I start feeling any relief.
So, I am now bottoming out, mood-wise, I feel like shit, and I'm walking with my cane, and I'm wondering why it's an ALL OR NOTHING thing with me. Why couldn't I just have stopped walking?
*Note: It took me eight more months until I located my fourth physiatrist, aka P4.0.
Appt #1: Rheumatologist. Clear bill of health. No auto-immune inflammatory diseases causing my pain. NEWEST DIAGNOSIS: enthesitis. On an upnote, my blood pressure was 110/64, so apparently, the combination of riding my bike 30 minutes each day, PLUS tinkering with my magnesium formulation (I transitioned from magnesium oxide which I was on for years, to magnesium glycinate, and in the last 3 weeks I transitioned to magnesium taurate). My bp was trending lower when I got my bp checked before acupuncture appointments, but this was my lowest reading yet.
Appt #2: Orthopedic surgeon. I went for a consult to see if I could get surgery on my knee. Turns out, despite the degeneration and oseophytes in the knee, I'm not "there yet," and the result of the physical exam was that the bulk of my pain isn't from the degeneration in the knee, but is soft tissue realted. Second diagnosis of the day: enthesitis.
Appt #3: Endocrinologist. I decided to err on the side of being conservative and seek out an endocrinologist. It was 14 long years of going 3-4 times a year to my former endo, and I was hoping I could get away without an endo. Initially I thought my GP could handle things, and then I got it in my head that a possible mover-and-shaker for the pain might be hypothyroid. The appointment was informative and uplifting, and I don't have to go back for another year.
So while yes, the results were good and positive: Yes, my blood pressure is the lowest it's been since I was in my early 20s; and NO, I don't have RA, Psoriatic Arthritis, Fibro, etc; and NO I don't need surgery yet--getting a diagnosis of enthesitis doesn't really help me. I already knew or sensed what this IS (pretty much it's a systemic tendonitis and inflammation of the enthesis, the point where tendons attach to the bone--and possible arthritis related to this too), it doesn't help me eliminate or even minimize my pain.
Hell, even my theory of it being pseudogout was a nonstarter--as my TSH report from the endocrinologist came back well within normal parameters.
The day was beautiful, and appt 1 and appt 3 were both at the same location, with the ortho blowing a hole through my day by not being able to move that appointment later in the afternoon.
Appt #1 and Appt #3 were at E85th, and Appt #2 was at E38th. And well, once Appt #2 was over, I convinced myself to WALK back to E85th. And I did more walking afterwards, and before I knew it, by the time I got home, I realized I overdid things. Here it is, four days later, and I am now walking with my cane. If I have a good day, a good day is as bad as a bad day (or perhaps even WORSE than a bad day), because I end up overdoing things and paying a hefty price for days or weeks after.
Imagine it. Me. In pain. Back, hip, knee, groin, you name it, and I managed to walk this far.
So, I am now bottoming out, mood-wise, I feel like shit, and I'm walking with my cane, and I'm wondering why it's an ALL OR NOTHING thing with me. Why couldn't I just have stopped walking?
*Note: It took me eight more months until I located my fourth physiatrist, aka P4.0.
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