Giving the Status Quo a Kick in the Pants

So yes. I suck. I cancelled tonight's physical therapy session, though I have every intention of going to next week's. Sadly that appointment is not with my preferred physical therapist. Oh well. I needed more time go actually do my home work and apply myself. I've been tired and starting to slip a bit into depressed mode. So I need a bit more time to work on a few of the exercises, so when I have my next appointment, my slacking won't be so evident. At least I cancelled it yesterday and won't be hit with a $100 cancellation fee.

So one bad thing I did yesterday (cancel PT) is off-set by one good thing I did yesterday.

I got a message from a friend, "Quick, send me your resume. They're hiring admins at my job." Brilliant, no? :) Well I made a couple minor tweaks to my resume, and quickly zapped it off with the warning, "Hey, it's a three page antique. I haven't gotten around to having a professional resume writer have at it yet." That aside, within the hour, I got this message back:

“So just an FYI, they LOVE your resume! You will probably get a call in a week or so from a guy named Lee who will let you know a little more about the specific position and to ask if you'd like to come in for an interview.”

Looks promising, doesn't it? 

I do not know if this is my coping mechanism, by protecting myself, I talk myself out of HOPE. But I know the reality is, given the economy, they no doubt will not afford to hire me at my current rate of pay.  And that, at a minimum is what keeps me from hoping that it will self-manifest and blossom into the ideal job opportunity.

I am nothing, if not an unconventional person. And while, yes, I *am* hoping that Lee will call me, I am also hoping to have the audacity and opportunity to take the bull by the balls and invite Lee out for a lunch date, where we can discuss both abstracts, of what the job itself entails, as well as what direction I hope my life and career will take in the next (at current writing) 4 years, 2 months, and 27 days.  

Spoiler alert: I'd love more money, but will take a lateral move, salary wise if it means a shorter work week and opportunity for career growth. And of course, I'd want to become part of a team. I figure what's not to like about lunch, we both have to eat, and I'd gladly pay to discuss things, so then at the end of the "interview," neither of us feels like the time was wasted, because at a minimum our bellies were filled. And hopefully my suggestion of a lunch date might be either something memorable (for them) or something ultimately worthwhile (for me), and might actually work to my advantage.  I have found in the past that when I cared entirely too much about a particular outcome, I cannot contain my disappointment when a less than desired outcome happens. At this juncture, while I do CARE to a degree about changing jobs, I am a bit ambivalent about the outcome. Rather than worry if I will fit THEIR expectations, I worry if they will fit MINE.

Working Towards A New Normal

After last visit with the endocrinologist, he insisted I step down my calcium and perhaps change the formulation from the citrate to TCP. My norm was 1500-2000 mg cal citrate daily. Now I'm taking 1000 mg TCP. 

I might need to adjust other things (such as decreasing or eliminating my daily Colace) as a result, to keep things middle-of-the-road manageable. I don't want to go from one extreme (constipation/impaction) to the other (sudden onset liquefied shame). 

But so far, so good. I think.

The goal is to have me on the lowest amount of supplementation as necessary, as there's drawbacks to too much calcium (kidney stones, thyroid irregularities, bowel issues).

Riddle Me This

How or why is it...

I can consume 1-2 of these a day...

And eat a lunch like this... (in Paris) with 1-2 dinners nearly FULLY immersed in creamy Perogourdine type sauces, and still manage a TWO POUND WEIGHT LOSS? 

Baffles the mind! Note to self: Of the ten pounds gained while on Cymbalta, I am now 3 pounds away from my pre-Cymbalta weight! :) It's taken a while to shed it, but very glad.

And on another note, both post-vacation doctors visits (one with endocrinologist,

the other with the kidney doctor), all my numbers seem good-to-great.

Blood pressure is normalized for me (roughly 140/80), the proteinuria hasn't

relapsed, and my calcium levels are so good the endocrinologist wants me to

try dosing down from 1200 mg daily to 800.  

Pain is still kicking my ass. To be blunt, it was the perfect storm of combined

pain issues: headaches, migraines, knee pain, IT band pain, sciatica, adenomyosis, plus a bonus slight sprain in my ankle. No real relief in sight, other than the occasional, 

judicious vodka tonic. 

And the pesky-ness in my throat which I thought was related to my 

thyroid nodules? Nope. The prevailing suspicion is that it's reflux. Doc gets halfway

into telling me blah blah blah, and I said, "... and I took an omprezole, and VOILA. Gone." 

Momentary Niggling.

Nothing quite like gearing up for travel & exploits, only for my throat to be bothering me. If I tilt my head just a smidge too far back while swallowing... OUCH. Fortunately I have an appointment scheduled with my endocrinologist for when I return, and I've emailed him, so he'll be on the look out for my thyroid nodule ONCE MORE, when I return. 

In the meantime if I can wrangle it, I want to see my gastro guy and see about scheduling not just a colonoscopy as he wants, but also an endoscopy. So he'll get me comin' and goin' as it were.

It wouldn't be springtime if I didn't have something scoped, prodded or poked.

Better living thru diagnostics, people!

Sad State of Affairs

Still keeping up with the physical therapy, with the best possible intentions.

Last night, before I could even get around to doing my "home work," I had to add more air to my exercise ball. And well, fuck! I went into muscle fatigue just manually pumping air into the ball. 

My focus for now will be to continue to work on my low back and lower abdomen, hoping to strengthen myself, in preparation for a hysterectomy at some point in the not-too-distant future.  So, I'm using that to stay on track for goals. To make myself strong enough to join a pilates class without fear of injuring myself, and to physically prepare for surgery.  

There are worse goals to have, I think!

Maintaining

Nothing new to report. Or so I think.

The weight I gained while on the Cymbalta hasn't really seemed to come off, but no NEW weight gain, so I guess there's THAT. I just wish I could jump start the weight loss again. I'm trying to eat 1/2 a grapefruit a day, so hoping it helps burn fat, or boost metabolism or whatever.

I'm now about a month into the experiment known as physical therapy. I've been going once a week every week, though two weeks ago I had to skip a session and next week skip a session due to scheduling constraints. But for as little as I've done thus far, I feel different, physically. Perhaps in a few weeks I can explore a pilates class without harming myself in the process. 

Blood work drawn on Monday; accoutrements acquired for a 24 hour urine collection (good times). Perhaps sometime before my grand vacance I'll get around to doing the actual collection.

So, no new antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. Been cold turkey off everything with the exception of an occasional cocktail for medicinal purposes.

And about that cocktail... 

Last Friday I hit my tipping point. I brought booze to my office, as I knew Friday would be a particularly horrible pain day (and it was, and it was also followed up by an even worse Saturday, which rendered me bed bound with a migraine). 

I think I'm ready to start thinking about a hysterectomy. According to my rough math, I'm losing 14-28 days a year due to the migraines, menses mess, and overall agonizing pain. Life is too short for this.

Of course, my mother is the poster child of ILL HEALTH, so I won't be using her as my case study for post-op hysterectomy progress. My mother-in-law, in stark contrast, is nothing short of awesome. Good overall health and lifestyle and mindset. So I'm hoping her recovery is a speedy one, and I hope she dispenses plenty of first hand knowledge of what her experience has been.

Bottom line is, pain sucks, life is short, and I don't want to be a burden to my husband or friends.

ETA: Six months later, and I am no closer to actually thinking about or considering a hysterectomy. And glad for it. I started taking B1 supplements, and it's helped quell some of the agonizing pain. Let's wait and see if it continues to diminish the pain over the long haul.

Tipping Point & Colonoscopies

(Cross posted from my dysfunction blog.)

Had a goodish session with the psychotherapist this a.m., talked about everything that's been cookin' the last two weeks: Physical therapy, work shit, Audrey, my sister's mass in her lung, pain, fear, depression, all my talking points.

It is hard work trying to go from a fixed mindset to a growth oriented mindset. By and large, at the moment, I find the hardest part just to be consistent. For me to consistently show up at my appointments, be focused, do my homework (for the physical therapy), keeping focus that this is a means to an end, working towards the goal of taking pilates (without seriously hurting myself in the process). 

My first instinct of course is to whine, "It's not fun. It is unpleasant. I hurt afterwards. I'm bored." My first instinct is just to recoil, or as Audrey would do, put the ol' head in the sand. And you'd think that with the seething disgust I have towards her and the train wreck her life has become, you'd THINK the last thing I'd want to do is the very same thing she did (or didn't do). It's easy to take the easy way out. 

As I said to my therapist, the hard part right now isn't the physical. It's the mental heavy lifting. Being present of mind, having some mental fortitude, working towards a goal, having a plan, starting something I finish. Trust me when I say, these are not qualities I inherited from either of my parents. My first impulse is to run away from conflict. Run away from things that are unpleasant. Run away from the possibility of failure. Right now, I'm trying to stay grounded, and take each session of PT on its own merit, on its own day. And as long as I can just SHOW UP, the rest will take care of itself. A good lot of life is just like that.

I make promises to people and work hard at keeping my word. It destroys me, in fact, when I fall short of my word. And yet, for myself, I think nothing of breaking promises I've made. How am I less important than others to whom I give my word? My mantra right now is JUST SHOW UP.

I made a promise to myself that I would go visit my mother tomorrow. She's been in the nursing home for 2.5 months, and I haven't laid eyes on her since before her surgery in January. Snow, sinus infections, adenomyosis pain, migraines, menses, you name it. The valid excuses kept creeping up and here we are, the weekend before Easter. And I need to go. No man's an island and all that crap. 

The older I get, the smaller my family becomes, and as less-than-ideal as my family IS, time is a bitch. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. Opportunities are finite. It'd be lovely to make a silk purse out of this sow's ear that my family has become. It simply is what it is, and that's just damaged. 

Mom's in the nursing home. Doubtful she'll come home at all at this point. Sis had a mass on her lung (which I believe was removed yesterday). Unsure if it's bronchial carcinoma or not. One aunt has stage four breast cancer with mets to the bone and liver. One aunt is so damaged from my grandfather's death, here it is nearly 2 years later, and she can't get her head out of her ass to just settle the estate (as if that will bring him back), and of course she's mentally checked out of the family and is uncharacteristically unreliable at this point. Brother still clueless and detached (said totally without judgment). His wife and my mother have made amends somewhat, yet my sis and brother's wife have not. So the whole thing is fractured into these little fragments. 

I told my therapist that I am mentally preparing to visit my mother as if I were mentally preparing to go for a colonoscopy--as both are a pain in the ass. It's a thankless thing. But as unpleasant as a colonoscopy is, there IS an endpoint. With my mother, that endpoint is not so clearly defined. 

So about that promise I made to myself, that THIS WEEKEND IS "THE" WEEKEND I'll go to Jersey to visit family, and get it over with. Of course, I'm about 12 hours out from menses and the distinct possibility of a migraine. Couple that up with just the overall crap at work, tipping point has been met. Today is the day I packed a travel flask of vodka with elderflower liquer in it and a can of sprite. I shall quaff it liberally before eating my lunch today... purely for medicinal purposes.

No New Reportables

Started physical therapy last week. Haven't built up to doing anything that actually works up a sweat. I've been given a small series of exercises to focus on at home in between sessions. Next session usually has expansions on those exercises. 

Been off the cymbalta for a few weeks now, and still too afraid to hop on the scale.

The Post-Meltdown Journaling

Perhaps it was a Perfect Storm of too much bullshit coinciding at the same time. Perhaps. I cannot blame it on just one thing, but an amalgamation of shit. The meltdown was spectacular and has been an act which had been brewing for quite some time.

Before I go into the breakdown, perhaps detailed in a subsequent blog post to this one. it's best to inventory what no doubt contributed to the breakdown. In no particular order, other than "stream of consciousness," which is pretty much word vomit as it courses its way from the frontal lobe, vomitting forth out my fingertips):

• Drama with my mother. Granted at the moment, we're coasting along as she's in a nursing facility--though doubtful she'll ever go home again. She's been there a full month and is still unable to stand or walk on her own. However, from January until current writing (close to three months) it's been a non-stop fuckfest of resentment, drama, anger, etc. She's barely civil when I call, and isn't interested in anything going on with me, and the nastiness makes me less inclined to make that thankless trip to Jersey to visit--which I was planning on doing this weekend, then started to feel shitty, back achey, and thought hey she wasn't even really pleasant to me on the phone, fuck it, maybe NEXT weekend, perhaps;
• The weather. It's been a particularly snowy winter, which has kept me indoors, I haven't done my daily constitutional as a result and have seen a 7 lb uptick in the last month alone--though a good lot of that is no doubt related to the Cymbalta I was on.
• I was on Cymbalta for about a month, and over the last two weeks had gradually weaned myself off it. Today is effectively day six of cold turkey, not even a single solitary pellet of the stuff is in my system.
• I've been under a lot of stress at work given our relocation to a new office. So there's been a nonstop flurry of activity preparing for the move. Friday was our last day in the office, and in keeping with the baseline of constantly being everyone's afterthought, not one single person let me know in a timely manner, "Hey, the phones and computers are down--go home." I sat around until someone from the relocation team came thru and they were the ones to tell me to scoot. I sat around for nearly an hour or two waiting, looking like a fool.
• I also managed to lose track of when my menses was due this month.
• I also may not have taken my blood pressure pills the night before.

Yesterday started out oddly enough. My ritual of sitting in my car, windows up, shrieking at the top of my lungs a Tourrettes like string of expletives peppered with sentiments of not wanting to go into the office, which I pretty much call a Primal Scream... sadly did not issue forth.  I sat in my car, mute.

I busied myself with some last minute details and running about. Even managed to growl at a co-worker again, as I said, "I'm issuing a pre-emptive GRRRR!" In person it's less cute than in the written form, trust me. I felt off and depressed and angry all morning.

Then the oversight of not being included in the conversation of "hey go home."

So I decided to head off and get a deep tissue massage. Surely THAT would be enough to set things right for me. And sadly, it didn't.

I then thought, perhaps I was still edgey because I hadn't eaten lunch. So I went for a sit down at a nice Chinese restaurant for salt and pepper pork chop (my fave) and some garlicky sauteed spinach. Then Kenny G came on, much to my chagrin (dad used to listen to this on an endless loop during his nap times as a white noise--and I was brought right back to the fact that there I was, on a Friday, yet another Friday since he died). Lunch did nothing to improve my mood.

I then decided to set about to scope out the two block radius of the new office for alternatives to the parking garage they have lined up for us, and allegedly scored a "limited time" fee of $75 a month for parking. I go to the garage. Park the car, and go inside the desolate mall to attempt to find the parking management office. The world's slowest elevator is in this mall, mind you. So I go up to 3, then get informed it might be back down on 1... and the elevator took so damned long, and I'm about to jump out of my skin with hostility, that I walk out into the garage on the third level and walk around and around until I get back down to one, get to the car, and as I approach the toll booth to pay my parking ticket, EXASPERATEDLY, I ask the attendant where the parking office is, and she gets her manager over to the booth, and he can pretty much tell just by looking at me that I am unhinged. He talks me down a bit, and I'll go on Monday to attempt, yet again, to get my parking permit, which I insist on renewing each month, in person, paying cash, because FUCK I don't want these people having my credit card info, drivers LICENSE info, etc. WTF?  HELLO? IDENTITY THEFT ANYONE?

I then decide to go to the grocery store to use the rest room and buy a replacement jar of peanut butter, as the husband absconded with the new jar I JUST BOUGHT, and as I was approaching the door, a taxi cab decided right then and there, without looking, they were going to put their car in reverse, without looking, narrowly avoiding hitting MY PERSON, which then of course, made me erupt a VOLCANIC SHIT TON OF EXPLETIVES for all to hear about what shit bags the taxicab drivers are in White Plains.

While inside, once I procured my items and sauntered up to the self check out aisle, a man standing there with 2 gift cards to buy, CHIVALROUSLY offered to let me go ahead of him. I even remarked to him directly (after thanking him), "I must have quite a facial expression right about now." He remained kind and helpful. I could tell he was having quite a day too.

At this point I decided to cut my losses, and head over to City Center, to both, inquire at the parking garage about parking permit costs, as well as head to Barnes and Noble for some crochet magazines, then off to Atlanta Bread Company for coffee, and wasting time crocheting while I waited for the husband to arrive at the train station.

I managed to keep my shit together until I picked up the husband, who had our household's traditional "Friday Night Take Out" in tow. And I know he's been having a hard time at work lately, so no, I couldn't unload on him. But by the time I picked him up, I was so upset I just go inwards, almost like a borderline fugue state. Where I hear people, but I'm locked in and locked up and just cannot respond. I drove in complete silence as the husband repeated several times about the turkish pizza he got for dinner, and I remained entirely mute, but tears still streamed down my cheeks in silence.

Once I got into our parking lot at home, I dropped him off at the ideal spot so he had less walking to do to our entrance, and I continued to drive in the lot to find a spot, and once in it, I broke down into sobs.

I ate some pizza and promptly fell asleep in front of the tube. I awoke about 11, and he was already in bed. I stayed up a bit and vegetated, then fell asleep on our lounge chair.

My back aches. My period is due any moment now (just in time for my first day in the new office on Monday).

I'm miserable, and feel helpless to change it.

Good News/Progress

I've been accused in the past (by a sociopath, no doubt), that all I do is bitch and whine about my lot in life, or all I do is post a never ending stream of disorder-after-disorder. What-evs. 

Stick this in your pipe and smoke it:

Kidney update: Apparently boosting my intake of alpha lipoic acid from 250 mg to 500 mg daily has positively impacted my proteinuria to the point where it's reversed itself. So no more kidney problem.

Blammo! Obstacle, overcome. 

Also, the last six months of 2013 really derailed my best intentions to get to my rainy day projects, and in a fit of serendipity, when researching physical medicine and rehab, I just-so-happened to make an appointment with a physiatrist, which was on my to do list last year. Appointment set for two days from now.

Onward, and upward!

An Experiment

So what am I to do about that 7-10 lb uptick?

Every once in a while, I revise my eating habits to keep things interesting for me mentally, and hopefully to tweak things back in the direction to re-ignite my weight loss, which has pretty much been stalled for two years (the bulk of my weight I lost post-op was within the first 11 months post-op).

Even after the pitiful bowel movement I had this a.m., I hopped on the scale hoping against hope that it would read what it did at the nephrologist's office last week. No such luck: 4 lb uptick since then (on a completely empty body!). 

Today's reading, ego and efforts be damned: 203. (This is also going to be my "starting weight" to monitor progress from/once I start physical therapy.)

So, between going off Cymbalta, I've decided to forego my usual a.m. "intake" of 2 low fat Baby Bells and about 1.5 oz of Cheez Its (approx: 320-350 calories),  in favor of a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, w/turkey sausage, weighing in at 250 cal and 17 gm of protein). I toasted the English muffin, nuked the filling to the sandwich, reassembled, then reheated right before leaving the house. I ate it while I waited (in my car) for the clock to strike 9:30 as I don't enter my office until the very last possible moment. 

# Calories reduced by substituting breakfast sammie for the cheese/crackers: 100

Current typing: 10:53 a.m., and I'm  not peckish, actually I still feel full.

In the feedbag today and timings of intake:

11ish: Protein shake blended w/iced coffee 23 gm protein thereabouts
1 p.m.:  1 can Campbells low fat/low cal Light Chicken noodle soup (140 cal and 12 gm protein for the whole can)*
3 pm.:  Small salad of arugala, sliced beets, red onion, blue cheese, 1/2 HB egg, and a few oz of last night's steak (this will be tomorrow's 3 p..m., too)--to be drizzled at the last minute with some low fat/low cal dressing
5 p.m.: Baby carrots and low fat/low cal dressing (for something crunchy instead of my standby pork rinds)
Banana in case I need it while I wait for the husband this evening at the train station.  

# Calories reduced by substituting Campbells soup for the Chinese take out egg-drop/wonton hybrid (I'm rounding up to about 200 calories for a pint of this soup, entirely possible, the soup is more calories), approximately:  60

# Calories reduced by substituting  3-4 oz baby carrots + low cal dressing for the pork rinds, approximately:  140   

Note: It's entirely possible I won't even eat the carrots, there are some days I forego the snack. 

*Now back to the soup in question... Every work day, it is almost imperative I have soup for my 1 p.m. intake. Usually it's egg drop or egg drop wonton mixed. And SURELY, that's gotta weigh in at more calories than the 140 for the can of Campbells, with an undetermined amount of protein and nutrition, too. At least with the canned soup, I know exactly what I am consuming. Let's see if I can get into this habit, and save my egg drop/wonton hybrid for something like Fridays-Only, or if I can eliminate the egg drop entirely from my weekday repertoire, I could just relegate it to the days I pick up/drop off my laundry.  

If anyone reading this is interested in the exact soup I am eating and wants to try my experiment (of just purely cutting calories, that's it. Simple math, cutting down calories), here is the exact soup:

I'm just hoping dropping the Cymbalta will take the edge off my hunger.

7-10 lb Uptick

So, about the Cymbalta...

I have been taking about a half dose each day for the last almost two weeks, and I'm still seeing no real merit to staying on it. No diminishment of my pain, I'm still pretty blunted and ambivalent to the point of not wanting to do anything, bathroom habits are a bit better than they've been (though, still nothing to write home about), and I've noticed roughly a 7-10 lbs uptick in weight and an increase in appetite.

Today I've decided to forego my dose, and perhaps tomorrow take a dose with even more pellets knocked out of the capsule, to finish tapering off. 

If I weren't depressed and anxious enough, the thought of stalling and sabotaging my weight loss is enough to make me downright despondent.

In two days, I see a physiatrist, and I'm hoping that will help turn things around, mentally and physically.

I hope.... famous last words.

Appointment Made!

At the recommendation of a friend, I've decided to explore going to a doctor that specializes in physical medicine and rehab, to help battle my pain issues, and hopefully get me more active so I can lose some more weight.

Appointment set: 3/13 6:30 p.m.! 

I go for a consultation, and hopefully they can get me started on physical therapy. Granted it will be for a set period of time, but it will be supervised and hopefully I can get active enough where it will make an impact on my mental and physical health.

So About That Weaning...

Well, I made it through Friday all day without a dose, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought I should really try to lower the dose, stay on that until the neuro is back from vacation. He comes back on the 10th and my next appt with him is on the 25th, so I think I can tough it out in the meantime.

So I open the capsule and dump out an approximation of half the pellets. No. I don't count the pellets. It's imprecise, imperfect, but it's better than not taking any of the medication.

I seriously think that I'm suffering such strong side effects to the medication because my physiology has changed since my gastric bypass, and the Cymbalta formulation is a time release capsule. I'm just not managing well on it at all. The constipation issue was really a quality of life concern for me, uncomfortable, plus the epic ambivalence wasn't helping me do anything.  

Tomorrow I follow up with my kidney doctor, and later on in the afternoon I have an appointment with my therapist. Full day planned, assuming nothing gets cancelled due to snow.

Cymbalta: The Weaning Off

So far, one hour past my usual dose time. So far, so good.

Cymbalta: Day 9

It's not helping my pain, and it's blunted my anxiety to the point where I'm ambivalent to the point where I don't want to do anything, even things I enjoy. So while my pain and depression were limiting me, now the ambivalence is limiting me. Plus constipation (this is on top of the baseline of bathroom issues due to the bypass).

I can't tell. Is there merit in continuing to take it? I'm too ambivalent to tell. Perhaps that should tell me something right there, but still... ambivalent.

I am nauseated a good lot of my work day, and feel FULL (even when I'm hungry). Weird. Should I stop it? Should I wait until I see my neuro at the end of the month of March? IDK what to do, honestly.

Called the neuro, and he's on vacation until March 10th. My appt is March 25th. I can't go nearly a full month without stopping this.

Going to start weaning myself off it tomorrow. Going to step down dosing every other day, and just hope for the best. Going to take melatonin to help me sleep, get into better sleep hygeine as I do this, and hope for the best.

I'm convinced there is no medication that is going to help me, my pain, my anxiety. Convinced.

Cymbalta: Day 8

Perhaps it would have been useful for me to know up front, prior to taking the first dose, that Cymbalta would have constipating effects. Knowing I have had bathroom issues for three years since my gastric bypass, this would have been useful information.

So instead of having general anxiety and depression, I now have ambivalence (which just exacerbates my ennui) and a perpetual case of performance anxiety in the bathroom. Anxiety when I don't go, thinking I'm surely going to have an impaction issue eventually. Anxiety that since I'm not having (shall we say) "productive" activity, it will equate to an uptick in weight. And just a general sense of unwell "down there." 

Is it worth it? I mean. I'm not crippled by it. There *is* some activity each day (though Saturday was worrisome, as my poop was MIA). But it's not "satisfying." 

My colon is already "loaded for bear" each day (Colace, fiber, probiotics, magnesium supplements, hot coffee galore, and on Saturday it was all that PLUS Miralax--and still nothing). I'm adding prune juice to the mix, thinking I need to up the ante as it were. And of course, trying to keep myself adequately hydrated.

A normal person doesn't think about their poop this much. Do they?

Note to self: Milk Thistle

Day 1: Start taking.

Cymbalta:: Day 7

Cymbalta, day 7: 
Blunted. Ambivalent. Like so ambivalent I just sneezed so hard I had an eruption down below. Not sure which form of matter was involved. Is it time to go home yet? I need a nap.

Cymbalta: Day Four

Really no complaints, thus far.

Took my fourth dose this a.m., and so far I'm managing well enough, I think!

Positive observations:  

• It's blunted my anxiety considerably. Not sure if I'm any less depressed as a result. Color me: AMBIVALENT.
• Additionally, it's blunted my interest or passion for food. Everything tastes fine enough, though I do have a horrid after taste in my mouth. No excessive dry mouth either as I've experienced with other, similar meds. I'm just disinterested in it. I notice I'm not eating everything I pack for work, either.
• Also worth noting, I'm sleeping pretty soundly. To my knowledge, I'm experiencing neither night terrors nor sleep walking. 
• Weird note: Onset for menses was Tuesday, same day I started Cymbalta. Usually days 1-2 are heaviest,with about 4-5 days of it tapering off. Seems that it's tapered off in half the time. But then again, with the adenomyosis, I might burst a little pocket of whatever-it-is, and spot a few days from now--but such is life with this disorder:(

Negative observations:

• I feel I'm running a little on the warm side (I'm almost always too cold);
• I experience nausea within an hour of dosing and usually it lasts about 2-3 hours;
• I have a weird numb/tingle/twitchy thing happening, occasionally, from my knee to my ankle in the evenings.
• I don't notice any change in the overall pain issues: herniation in neck, diminished disk space/pinched nerve in low back, arthritis, adenomyosis, etc. 

Cymbalta: Day Three

Still muddling through. Still nauseated, though it is most intense about an hour after ingesting the capsule and lasts roughly 2-3 hours.

Sleeping pretty soundly, which is nice, and a rarity. Husband hasn't complained of my snoring, so who knows if he's sleeping sounder than I am. 

Later in the day I get a slight headache, though that could be from hunger, though I have noticed my hunger sensations have abated somewhat. My eating is "off," and I'm a bit indifferent to food.

Only negative thing I can say so far is this weird chill type tingle that runs down my right leg on the outside lateral, from the knee to the ankle. Not painful, it's just a very weird sensation. 

Beyond that, and the fact that it's done zilch for my adenomyosis or herniation pain, nothing else to report. Though, to be honest, it has blunted my anxiety a lot (which also might be feeding into the ability to get some sound sleep).

Stay tuned.

Cymbalta: Day Two

Took my second dose today. Still feel that foggy-headedness, and later on, the nausea presents itself. I'd say roughly 1-2 hours after taking it, the nausea kicks in.

I can't seem to locate my Zofran, which is possibly in my travel gear pain kit; so I've been sipping Coca Cola Zero to stave off the waves of unpleasantness. So far, I haven't heaved at work. SCORE.

Observations thus far:

1. It's curbed my interest in food. I don't know if I'm truly not hungry or if the nausea makes me indifferent to food or what, but I'm just "meh" about food right about now. 

2. I was starting to nod off a wee bit in front of the tube last night, so I got up around 11 to turn the lights out and head to bed. Before bed, I did manage to pop a melatonin (3 mg.) though I don't know if I should do that given the Cymbalta. I'll have to get a ruling on that. I just wanted to ensure I went to bed and stayed asleep. Which I did. And given the husband is away on business and not here to be my human alarm clock, when the alarm went off, I woke up, hit snooze, woke up and hit snooze, and woke up finally with no problem or any additional grogginess. 

3. While walking out to the car, and looking at all the snow that abounds, and I have been miserably depressed being indoors (I think I'm finally suffering from SAD from all this indoor nonsense), I actually said to myself, "Well, I guess this beats the alternative" (with the "alternative" I suppose being death).

I did have a chiropractic adjustment last night, and ate pretty light when I got home (I had crackers and cheese while I waited for my steak to cook, and once it was done cooking, I was indifferent to it). I slept pretty good. I think. Though without the husband here I have no knowledge if I woke up, if so, how many times, or if I had a night terror.

My adenomyosis pain is pretty sharp. Onset day was yesterday, and everything from my navel to my knees was nothing but a bundle of angry nerves. Can't tell if the Cymbalta is helping that at all. But the anxiety and anger and hostility seems a bit diminished today. Though, how much diminished? I don't know. I feel like the edge is blunted. Somewhat.

The chiro knows about the nonsense going on in Jersey with my family, and especially the negativity and the expectation that somehow I should be there more, despite the obviousness of snow storm after snow storm, and now with my assorted pain issues. Even the chiropractor said it's actually not helping my own pain issues. Again, obvious. But nice to get validation from someone else that insulating myself as much as I can from what I can is the only response I have at this point.

Side Note: The Closer

I've been bingeing on The Closer, as it's available on Amazon Prime videos. 

I found it fascinating they worked PCOS into her story line, despite the fact she doesn't appear to have any of the other symptoms of the disorder. No acanthiosis nigricans, no hair loss, no facial hair, no fat accumulating around her middle (despite the obviousness of this character's addiction to sugar). But fabulous to have a show that finally presents a character with this, as well as "premature menopause."

Though to be honest, and not to be hating (as I do love her as an actress) a more believable character with PCOS would be Melissa McCarthy's Molly from Mike and Molly. 

Cymbalta: Day One

Interesting choice of words in that warning.

"Fear?" Really?

FWIW, I'm taking this Rx for pretty much everything else listed,

save for the "fear."

Conversational Nugget

Endocrinologist to me: "You? Depressed? Srsly, I don't see it."
Me: "I'm high functioning and keep my shit to myself. I wish I were dead inside."

Frova Coupon

So I'll always be able to find it.

Post Therapist To Do List

Start Cymbalta.
Maintain boundaries with my family.
Consider finding a source for weed.

Medical Updates & Supplementation Tweaking

Two days ago I had appointments: First with my neuro who is local to me; and secondly with the endocrinologist who is in NYC. 

The appointment with the neuro was a bit more involved than it normally is. Normally, I just go for follow ups, he gives me my refills for my Frova for my migraines and we bid each other adieu for another six months. 

Thanks to the last six months of 2013 being so chock-a-block with unexpected medical wild goose chases (thyroid nodules, lung granuloma, etc etc), I hadn't had time to address all my "rainy day projects" (pain  management, follow up sleep study, colonoscopy, to name a few items), so I figured I'd start with the most pressing: PAIN.

Given I was going to explore pain management with a "pain specialist," and given that the particular specialist in question was a neuro, and given I ALREADY have a neuro, I figured I'd unload on him everything, to see if HE can address and treat those issues:

• Migraines
• Headache from herniation at my C4
• Adenomyosis/endometriosis pain
• Anxiety/Depression

I told him I was on Wellbutrin from November to the end of December, and it gave me horrid dry mouth, a persistent baseline headache, increased my predisposition to anxiety attacks, and brought me to a full on feral, frothing rage, and due to this, I stepped myself off it, as it truly wasn't value added. Also? Taking Frova (my migraine Rx) with Wellbutrin is contraindicated, so yeah, there's that.

He considered other things, the tramadol, my use of an occasional vodka tonic, and realizing nothing's really helping the pain, which is debilitating, and sometimes the migraines and adenomyosis pain are not running immediately in tandem with one another, so I'm losing between 2-4 days a month due to this, and really it's unacceptable.

In addition to the myriad of things going on with me, the latest Dx: Chronic Pain Syndrome.

His recommendation: Cymbalta. 

I'm pinning some hope on it that it will help me, even get my pain managed a smidge better, to allow me to be more predisposed to getting more active, which I am convinced will make me feel better for an assortment of reasons. I just hope it doesn't make me add weight.

Then it was off to the endocrinologist for my four month, standard appointment with him. Pretty standard fare. Nothing too alarming. A slight, 4 lb uptick in weight (perhaps due to an ineffective poop that a.m., and perhaps water weight due to my period due any moment now, or perhaps due to total inertia, thanks to the fucking weather we've been having (Mother Nature: A snow storm every week, really?).

We discussed my right lower quadrant pain and spitballed ideas about if it were related to the adenomyosis, or if it were related to something else. And he did a manual exam of the abdomen, and quipped about that pesky fatty liver syndrome, which I thought was managed or thwarted by the gastric bypass I had three years earlier. My triglycerides and overall cholesterol are great; however, either my good cholesterol is low or my bad cholesterol level is high (I don't know specifics at this very moment and I'm too lazy to pull out the blood work to verify, not that it matters herein, does it? really?) 

And again, the topic of my occasional cocktail came up. One a week (maybe one more if I'm at a function?) doesn't seem too outlandish, but given the concerns of fatty liver syndrome morphing its way into NASH (essentially non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver), it IS a concern. Ideally I shouldn't drink, but if I want (because hey, life is meant to be lived), to try to limit it to one cocktail a week. So I guess moving forward, I should be very particular about the deliciousness of my weekly potable.

This is of particular interest to me, of which I find hilarious and ironic, given my mother's lecturing of me in December about my latent alcoholism, citing dad's family's predisposition to drink. One cocktail does not make one an alcholic. Funny thing here is, it's not dad's family's predisposition which is hindering me taking a nose dive into a vat of limoncello, but MOM's fucked up gene pool, given the fatty liver syndrome is from the obesity and insulin resistance issues on mom's side of the family. Hilarious, and of course, pointless to point that out to her, given she won't listen anyway.

Doc hooked me up with some samples of Lovaza, given that I am already on Omega 3 capsules. And lo-and-behold, my insurance will pick this up! So I'm happy about that, though I'm not sure of the merits this will have.

I had to laugh at the doc, as he told me some insurance doesn't pay for the Rx, but he's got a bunch of samples he can give me. I compared him to a heroin dealer, saying, "The first hit's always free." 

Part of my personal make up is that I like to try to find work arounds for life's problems. Kind of like puzzle solving. Well, I would like to keep having my weekly beverage. So, I have decided to dump off one supplement out of my daily routine (evening primrose oil) and bring a new player up at bat: a liver tonic with milk thistle.  Additionally,  I'd like to try to cut my carbs down, even though my intake is not carb-intensive, I need to try to find a way to wring out the fat out of my liver.

One more talking point was about calcium supplementation, and apparently there's a bit of conflict/controversy over how much is too much calcium. Doc suggested I read this article, and I found it interesting enough to warrant that I get a 24 hour urine collect done now, go 1-2 months taking a lower dose of calcium daily (dropping down to 1500 mg daily instead of 2000 mg which my bariatric surgeon recommends), then do another 24 hour urine collect right before my appointment in May. And at the May appointment, we will numbers crunch and see if by dropping my calcium intake if there's any negative impact. I don't want to overdo things, as too much calcium can mask other issues and adversely impact the thyroid.

So, the current supplement line up moving forward will be thus:
First thing in the a.m.:

Cymbalta 30 mg, 1x
2 Gummy VitaFusion Prenatal Multivitamins
2 Gummy VitaFusion Sugar Free Fiber Chews, 5 gm, 1x
Lovaza 1x
Colace 200 mg (1x)
Vitamin C, 400 mg
Feosol 325 (2 tablets)  *I boost to 3 tabs during menses
Alpha Lipoic Acid 250 mg
KAL Brand B12 spray (1-2 spritzes under the tongue)

Right before leaving the house, I take a zinc losenge, and then throughout the day I manage to get these in:

Standardized turmeric in capsule form
Boron, 3 mg, 1x daily 
Magnesium 400 mg, 1x daily *I boost to 2x daily during menses 
D3 2000 IU (1x) 
Calcium Citrate, 250 mg (3x) 
CoQ10 (50 mg, though I'm thinking of boosting this) 
Vitamin C, 400 mg

Then in the evening, I take:

Quinipril, 80 mg
Alpha Lipoic Acid 250 mg
Milk thistle 

Items highlighted in red are new additions to my line up. Note: The Lovaza was just an experiment, as my endo gave me some samples. I'm back to taking my regular Omega-3 fish oil supplement, as I did not see any marked change in my blood chemistry (and the doc never prescribed an Rx).

In the blink of an eye: Three Years

I awoke this morning with my husband nuzzling my neck and wishing me, "Happy Surgiversary, baby."

Ever the literalist, I bit my lip and kept myself from saying, "oh that was YESTERDAY, babe." But I held off on saying it. The sentiment is still true and still sweet, that he remembered. Such affection!

One of the many improvements in my life the surgery brought forth, I never thought in a million years that it would improve the state of my marriage. Turns out my recovery and life post-op has been a joint project for both of us to work on. 

There's no place I'd rather be. 

Current Listing of Supplements

I'm forever tweaking and refining which supplements (as well as dosing) I take, to find the best possible combination of things that work for my body's needs.

So, the current line up is thus:

First thing in the a.m.:

2 Gummy VitaFusion Prenatal Multivitamins 2 Gummy VitaFusion Sugar Free Fiber Chews, 5 gm, 1x 
Omega-3 1400 mg (1x)  Evening Primrose Oil 1000 mg (1x)  Colace 200 mg (1x) 
Vitamin C, 400 mg
Feosol 325 (2 tablets)  *I boost to 3 tabs during menses
Alpha Lipoic Acid 250 mg
Then throughout the day I manage to get these in:

Boron, 3 mg, 1x daily Magnesium 400 mg, 1x daily *I boost to 2x daily during menses D3 2000 IU (1x) Calcium Citrate, 250 mg (4x) Zinc (dosage I cannot recall at the moment)  CoQ10 (50 mg, though I'm thinking of boosting this)  Hyaluronic Acid capsule 1x (100 mg) Vitamin C, 400 mg KAL brand B12 spray (1-2 blasts under the tongue)
Standardized turmeric in capsule form

Then in the evening along with my blood pressure Rx, I take:

Alpha Lipoic Acid 250 mg 

I am heartbroken that Hero Nutritionals has discontinued manufacturing the lovely dark chocolate calcium citrate I had been relying upon for the last three years, and I'm looking for alternative calcium citrate chewables, whether chocolate or chewy-gummy type chewables. NP at the surgeon's office knows I am in the habit of taking 50% of my calcium in citrate form, in a chewable as it's more convenient (and pleasurable), as I can take it without water. She said perhaps I could try out the tricalcium phosphate gummies that are on the market. I get my calcium checked every three months, so we'll know nearly immediately if there's an issue with it. I'm acidifying it with Vitamin C, and hoping for the best. 

ETA: It's been 8-9 months of using tricalcium phosphate alternately as my solitary source of calcium supplement, or occasionally one day I'll do chewable TSC for one dose and then do calcium citrate for the second dose, and have done so without any deleterious results to my overall calcium figures in my blood chemistry.

New Year, New Post

I'm hoping the horrible-ness of last year stays in last year. Forging ahead, and hoping that I'll be able to get some things on my TO DO LIST addressed right up front at the beginning of the year before any new dramas arise.

From start to finish I was on Wellbutrin precisely one month. Given the fact that it gave me horrendous dry mouth, made me RAGE LIKE A MANIAC, and added one NEW headache type to my panapoly of pain issues, I weaned myself off it. Haven't discussed it with my internist. But to be honest, one of the things for this year I'd like to do is see a psychiatrist to see about what's cooking chemically. I have no doubt that the cortisol and DHEA issues are playing into my fluctuations in mood, and are possibly even distorting my perspective on things.

Things on the to do list I'd like to address up front:

1. Follow up sleep study to get my CPAP levels tweaked. I've stopped using the machine as I didn't feel it was making an impact. And given the weight loss, no doubt the levels need adjusting.

2. Follow up w/neurologist re: the migraines and migraine medication. And also see if he might be able to help better manage my other pain issues re: crippling adenomyosis pain, and pain from the herniations in my neck. If he can't help me, I need to check out both, a psychiatrist and a physiatrist.

3. I need to make it a priority to see about getting more active, so in addition to getting the pain addressed, I need to actually GO and check out a pilates class.

4. Which really should be #1, as I've already started using it, I started incorporating Boron supplements in my daily intake. 3 mg daily, and it should help w/bone loss prevention and also help with osteo arthritis. 

In the midst of all this, I've got appointments set up with the endo and the renal guy for 2/12; and on a personal note, I'm in the process of repainting the interior of my condo (everything except for the three bedrooms and bath. The living, dining and kitchen are all on an open floor plan, so I'm entering a unique circle of Dante-esque hell, where I'm painting everything. I am doing it a quadrant at a time, and hope to have everything finished by Easter or Spring thaw, whichever comes first.

No resolutions. I don't believe in them, especially considering I am a good list maker and try to tick off things as needed.

Wellbutrin Chronicles, Day 14: EPIC Anxiety Attack

Holy shit. I got worked up into a frothing rage at my mother's house, which left me with such anxiety and a hard knot like feeling in my chest, I thought I was having a heart attack.

Not sure how much of this was the Wellbutrin (I think A LOT--given my neurologist thinks it's very stimulating--his words, mind you) or how much of the attack was my mom and her effects on me. Either way, I decided after this episode to start weaning myself off the medication. Made me very hostile, agitated, headachey, dry mouthed, ragey, and did zero to help my depression.

Wellbutrin: Day 11

No real marked change or improvement, save for the over-riding desire to sit and cry at my desk at work? Yeah, that's no longer as pronounced. But I'm still fueled with righteous anger about how my job as it is as of this moment, is no longer the job for which I was hired nearly 12 years ago.

Dry mouth. No change in sleep patterns. Hands have a little bit of a tremble to them. Overall, I still have that horrid sense of dread or foreboding.

Wellbutrin: Day 6

Today will be the 6th dose. No real marked change in outlook or demeanor. The over-riding desire to cry at my desk at work has been blunted/stunted, but I'm still miserable here.

Bad News:

Been suffering from some, to put it politely, "gastric distress." At first I thought it might be the Wellbutrin as diarrhea is one of a myriad of side effects one might encounter while on the Rx. Then I thought it was the shrimp I ate the other day. This then became the prevailing theory, given my husband is somewhat affected too. And we are now well beyond 24 hours of "distress," and we both are still affected, despite taking Imodium, and now we think it's some sort of bug. And of course, I'm at work to spread my own brand of joy, and hopefully a few pathogens, too. Given how many times people have come to work sick, or brought their SICK KIDS to the office, I'd say I'm just doing my part in the petri dish that is our office.

We're giving it one more day w/Imodium, and if it doesn't turn things around in the next 24 hours, we're heading to the doc on Saturday. Which, of course, puts a total crimp in everything I needed/wanted/expected to accomplish on Saturday.

On an upnote, I'm hoping this distress will help me break this weight loss plateau I've been on for longer than I care to admit!

Good News: 

Got an email from my nephrologist with the results of my urinalysis and blood work from Tuesday. I guess 2013 will NOT be the year of "ZOMG BIOPSY ALL THE THINGS!" There has been some improvement in the proteinuria. He thinks the previous tests might have been "a variant," however, I've had proteinuria for too long, and the only thing that's been done different in the near 2 months since bumping the Quinipril to 80 mg 1x daily is the fact that I took it upon myself to bump my Alpha Lipoic Acid supplement from 250 mg to 500 mg daily. It's the only thing I can think of that's out of the ordinary. Regardless of its genesis, I'm glad for the news, for a multitude of reasons.

Dose Three

Poised to go down the hatch, shortly.

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

Regarding that unrelenting headache for over two weeks and sleep interruptions/disturbance:

It might be premature to acknowledge, or perhaps risking jinxing myself, but got to bed IDK, maybe by midnight? Slept in my bed (versus sleeping on the chaise or recliner--the latter of which almost always ensures a shitty sleep experience, WTF LazyBoy... WTF indeed!). 

I forced myself to stay in bed, even though I was wired and mind racing. Even the slightest bit of light can be enough to keep me awake. I pulled the covers up over my head, and lay flat on my back.

Somehow I managed to get asleep and stay asleep, and so far, the headache is rating about a 0.5 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst.

Weather shitty, roads icy, and the Slacker calls out sick, leaving me as the only secretary on staff today. I couldn't care less (I really DO care the absolute LEAST at the moment). Tomorrow I'll be the one who's out.

Wellbutrin Chronicles: Day Two

Day 2:  No marked difference. I feel strung out and weird.

Interestingly enough for the last two solid weeks, I have woken up with a horrendous headache, and nothing I do or ingest breaks it up.  Not a migraine. Been told my BP isn't high enough to bring on headaches. Not sinusy--breathing clear and free. Perhaps it's barometric or perhaps a cluster headache. All I know is it's grinding on me.  Tuesday I see the kidney doc, so I don't plan on going to another doctor in the meantime (not that I'd be able to score an appointment for Monday at this rate anyway). 

No relief in sight, yet plodding on and trying to not let it sideline me more than it already has.

Down The Hatch

1:30 First dose of Wellbutrin ingested.

Post-Therapy Session To Do List

1. Shop around for a psychiatrist for a consult re: the chemical shit going on (i.e. cortisol, dhea, etc), and determine if Wellbutrin is the optimal thing for my particular stripe of melancholy;
2. Actually start taking the Wellbutrin my internist prescribed;
3. Work up the motivation to explore the pilates studio in a neighboring town.

No Gin Involved

Gin hasn't touched my lips since roughly 1998 or 1999, when I made the distinct connection that it makes me feel NOTABLY melancholy.

And it's only today that, at age 45 that I start thinking about melancholy ITSELF. And yes. I am melancholy to one degree or another, every single day.

The more I read, the more I am convinced that my health issues are impacting my melancholy-ness. The issue at hand that I think that's driving it more and more as of late is the hypercortisolemia. And yet, I haven't taken the first dose of Wellbutrin because at least on an intellectual level, I see it as nothing more than a futile bandaid being adhered to treat a sucking chest wound (otherwise, ineffective).

Tomorrow: phone session with therapist, as scheduled.

Progress Stalled. For Now.

Though I’m biting the bullet and considering going back on antidepressants, as I just can’t fight this (depression) dragon by myself anymore. 

My internist prescribed Wellbutrin; however, I haven’t started taking it. Been second guessing myself about: 
1. Perhaps having a psychiatrist determine which Rx is best? Or 
2. Wondering about the interplay of the hypercortisolimia on my mood/emotional well being. 

Though the internist did say Wellbutrin was good, in so far it won’t cause weight gain or some of the other unpleasant side effects of other anti-depressants, I would like to see if there’s something ELSE out there that will actually help address the underlying cortisol issue. 

Reading up and found this article, and this blurb I found particularly interesting, and look forward to my endocrinologist's input on how to proceed: 

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/role-cortisol-and-depression-exploring-new-opportunities 

[…] Antidepressant drugs that have the ability to regulate GR expression and binding may, however, have greater therapeutic efficacy in patients who have hypercortisolemia. […] 

Also worth mentioning: My sleep is so screwed up, I haven't been to bed before 3 a.m. for the last SIX DAYS, and it's draining on me. Seriously draining on me. I'm just wondering how much longer I can go on like this before I finally just have a break down.

Well, At Least There's That...

While away on vacation, I got a call from my cardiologist with ACTUAL GOOD NEWS. Echocardiogram results were very good, and showed no blockages or any signs of left ventricular hypertrophy. Don't need to see him again for another year. Bravo!

Follow up w/nephrologist on 12/5. Here's hoping there's an Rx for a urinalysis in my inbox tomorrow when I hit the office. Otherwise, I feel my trip to NYC for this appt might be pretty much fruitless.

Return to the office tomorrow after a week away. I've had a horrible case of the Mondays, and hell, it's 3:41 a.m. and I haven't even gone to bed yet. I hesitate to go to bed, because I know the next moment I wake up, GAH. Make it stop. It'll be Monday.

Tired of feeling this way

Feel like crap. About to go on vacation tomorrow and all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and die.

Wellbutrin Rx filled, so I'll start it first opportunity I can when I get back.

Well, well, well. Wellbutrin.

Cliffnotes: 
Internist wrote the Rx for it. I double checked with the nephrologist, who gave the go-ahead. Today I get the Rx filled, and I'll take it after vacation. No sense in fucking up a well deserved, much needed vacation by starting an antidepressant. So I'll fill the Rx and it'll be ready for me when I return.

The Unabridged Version:

Some folks might view both, my surgically altering myself with the gastric bypass, as well as my decision to now start taking antidepressants, as the easy way out. Life is short. I've tried my best. Time to leave it to the professionals to help me power through, achieve some goals, and make the most of whatever time I've got left here on Planet Earth. Good thing for me is, what other folks think, rarely changes or affects my reality. Opinions are like assholes, and all that rot.

No. I'm not morose. This is a reality for all of us. I just choose not to live in functional denial about my mortality. This is why when someone is cruel to me, or my efforts fall flat, or not getting some reasonable semblance of acknowledgement or appreciation at work truly does affect me negatively. Once my time is spent, I will never be able to recoup that time. Ever. Money? Yes. Time? No. Once it's spent, it's gone. 

Today I'm all out of sorts, as my human alarm clock (the husband) neglected to get me up in time for me to shower up and get out of the house on time, so I can have my phone in session with the therapist in the parking garage before work. Put the cart before the horse as a result, did the phone in session before I left the house, showered and shampooed up and got to the office an hour late as a result. So my day is out of synch entirely. 

Session was good. Not sure what else to say about the matter. Feeling very bleak at the moment, and feeling like the human embodiment of a Ticonderoga #2, sharpened down, used up, until there's nothing but a broken point nubbin' of a pencil w/a worn down eraser, too small to effectively hold and use anymore. Truly feel like I have nothing more to offer anyone or anything.

I don't feel sad. I feel depressed. Physically. Emotionally. And the last six months have been exceedingly taxing on me. One thing after another. One medical wild goose chase after another, all demanding time and attention, time and attention AND ENERGY which could have been more effectively used to address the TO DO items on my rainy day project list: follow up sleep study to get my CPAP levels tweaked; follow up w/a physiatrist, check out either/or/both Feldenkrais or a pilates class. You name it. Only so much time I can take off from work, and only so much energy and fortitude for me to power through to the next action item.

Here it is, December fast on our heels approaching. End of year. And I'm no better off than I was at the beginning of this year.

Wish Me Luck!

In 15 scant minutes, I'll be heading off to the internist to discuss an assortment of shit from possibly going on anti-anxiety meds to scheduling my colonoscopy, or seeing if he can do a CAT with contrast instead of the more invasive pooper-rooter.  

Stay tuned.

Dear Humanity: *You're Welcome*

After three days of wearing the same clothes I went to work in on Friday, and of course, not showering, today I forced myself to shower, shampoo, put fresh clothes on, and get out of the house.

This is my major accomplishment for the day.

I washed my ass. 

*You're welcome.*

Two more days until I see my internist and discuss the possibility of going back on antidepressants.

Mindset: Fixed vs Growth

I wonder if it truly is possible to change my mindset from a fixed to a growth oriented mindset. I wish there were a magic spell someone could cast on me to fix this. 

While trapped in the fixed mindset, it is very easy to fall back on the fact I've been negatively programmed my entire life, by someone else who was also negatively programmed their entire life.  Feels like a cop out, but it's true.

The trap I'm in right now is illustrated thusly:

FIXED: “If I don’t try, I can protect yourself and keep my dignity.”
GROWTH: “If I don’t try, I automatically fail. Where’s the dignity in that?”

And my logic loops back to if I do try and fail, I still fail. 

I like certitudes. Life is too short to waste precious moments on uncertainty. I like to succeed. I do it so rarely. I've never been taught these necessary coping mechanisms:

1. How to succeed.
2. How to handle or manage failure.

FLAILING is like Failing with an extra L tossed in there for LOSER.

I flail because I fail.
I fail because I flail.

All I've Got To Say Today

I'm depressed.

Carry on.

The Follow Up

Blip on the EKG was a "voltage weirdness." In the process of finding out if it's something in the heart or something with the EKG itself. I'm going with the theory it's the heart, as the 3 different EKGs I've had have all been done by different technicians at different locations. What are the odds that those three technicians put the leads on in the exact same spots? Unlikely.

Hurry up and wait. ECG to be done, and hopefully when I see the nephrologist next month, I can schedule a time w/the cardiologist the same day to discuss the ECG findings. 

Purpose of seeing the cardiologist was to find out what is causing the irregularity on the EKG, and to assess any damage my obesity and poorly managed hyptertension may have had on my heart (is it causing a thickening of the muscle?).

Interesting aside, as the cardiologist was manually examining my abdomen, as he pressed down on my right side (the exact spot where I've complained about the RLQ pain), I told him that is exactly where my pain has been.

BP was roughly 130/80, which is finally showing some improvement since doubling the ACE inhibitor.

Hurry up and wait.

Let me hit "publish," so I can then call the diagnostic center to schedule the ECG.

Cue up the Sad Trombone: Best Laid Plans (Again)

Currently procrastinating due to pain issues. Onset day. Just want to stay in fetal position. Made plans and gave my word to dad's sis that "I'd be there" at the juried craft show she's at this weekend. Starts at 10 (current time: 10:26) and runs until 4. I have time. It's only about a half hour's drive from here (roughly). But I'm in pain. 

Popped a Frova as I've got that pre-migraine tingle, and since I'll be driving (and now on that new, doubled dose of the bp Rx, I don't want to drive too far from home with a buzz). Interesting aside: The Frova while it helps my menses related migraines, it ends up jacking my bp up. There's always a trade off. Blargh. 

Hoping a hot shower will humanize me and I can tough it out a bit. Really tired of making plans, and then end up being an unreliable flake because pain sidelines me.